Jokes

I see so many jokes posted (and I enjoy them very much!), I would love for everyone to post a joke here and there in this thread, not just for me, but for everyone else who has to wade through a long tiring day of work. Keep smiling everyone!


This made me giggle:

It's a bummer to be an egg because...

1) You only get laid once.
2) You only get eaten once.
3) It takes 7 minutes to get hard.
4) You have to come in a box with 11 others.
5) The only one who'll sit on your face is your mother.

I was born.

What do you do when your dishwasher is broken?








Slap her.

This made me giggle

I just got this one in email.

A teenage girl comes home from school
and asks her mother, Is it true; what Rita just told me?

Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?

Yes, dear, replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

But then when I have a baby, the teenager pondered, won't it knock all my teeth out?

Lecktor and Urusula were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Lecktor suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Urusula promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Lecktor out.

When the director of Nursing became aware of Urusula's heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Urusula the news she said, "Urusula, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is that Lecktor, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead."

Urusula replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Two pirates are standing on the bridge of a ship. Oddly enough, one of them is wearing a steering wheel on his groin. So the other pirate asks what it's there for and the one with the wheel responds, "Arr, it's drivin' me nuts."

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton.

Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: Doberman pinscher.

Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.

Person 1: so there's this pimp right. he's collecting money from his three ho's, he goes to the first ho and asks for his $100. she says, "But I only owe you $50!", he slaps her and says, "don't correct me, bitch!", he asks the next ho for $150. she says, "But I only owe you $100!"
he slaps her and says, "don't correct me, bitch!", now he goes to his third ho, he asks for $200. "but I only owe you $150!", he slaps her and says, "don't correct me, bitch!", next he visits the fourth ho, he asks her for his $250.

Person 2:hold on, wait a sec

Person 1: what?

Person 2: you said three ho's, not four. idioth.

Person 1 Slaps Person 2

Person 1: Don't correct me, bitch.

Three ducks walked into a bar...




"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.


"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So,
you must be Louie?"



"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."

LMAO

This spinster was really lonely so she went to the pet shop to get a pet. The owner convinced her to buy a parrot. She buys the parrot, goes home and tries to teach him to talk with no success.

On Sunday she goes to church with the parrot on her shoulder. As soon as the minister begins the sermon, the parrot pipes up "Damn cold in here." The spinster is mortified and immediately goes home with the parrot.

Next Sunday, same thing, minister starts sermon, parrot says "Damn cold in here." Well this is just too much for the spinster. She takes the parrot back to the pet shop and says I can't keep him, he swears in church. The pet show owner says, Look I know how to cure him of that. Next time he swears, grab him by his ankles, spin him around quickly 3 times and put him back on your shoulder. That should cure him.

So next Sunday, off she goes to church with the parrot on her shoulder. The minister starts the sermon and the parrot says "Damn cold in here." The spinster grabs him by his ankles, spins him around 3 times and puts him back on her shoulder.

And the parrot then says "And It's fucking windy too."

hehe, that made me laugh out loud, Sue

A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with big tits
who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Amen.

Simply hiliarious Lecktor!


Said a wretched old lecher of yore,
"My soirees just aren't fun anymore.

With the women in slacks,
It's a waste of good wax

To polish the drawing room floor."

That's what I pray for every night

You might be a Redneck Jedi if...

-You have used your light saber to open and cook a can of pork and beans.
-At least one wing of your X-Wing fighter is primer-colored.
-You can easily describe the taste of Ewok.
-You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
-You have had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
-You have used The Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

Oh there's more:

-You think ol' Jabba has a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
-You have ever uttered the phrase: 'May the Force be with y'all.'
-You have ever used that electrical gimmick on your R2 unit to light up the grill.
-You have ever heard spoken to you: 'Well shoot, son, come on over to the Dark Side. It'll be a hoot!' followed by: "Luke, I am your father...and your uncle.'

Soooooo. .... It's Milk and cookie time at the Nursery school. The teacher calls the kiddies to line up to go to the cafeteria. Little Petey the biker's kid refuses to get up. The teacher asks 'What's the matter Little Petey don't you want any milk and cookies?' Little Petey replies; 'Fuck that shit, I don't fucking like cookies, and milk makes me shit alot.' Well Ms. Teachie is taken aback but decides the best method of dealing with this horrendous language from a 5 year old is to let it slide and ignore it.

Next day... Cue SL Sunrise ....
It's Milk and cookie time at the Nursery school. The teacher calls the kiddies to line up to go to the cafeteria. Little Petey the biker's kid refuses to get up. The teacher asks 'What's the matter Little Petey don't you want any milk and cookies?' Little Petey replies; 'Fuck that shit, I don't fucking like cookies, and milk makes me shit alot.' Well Ms. Teachie is taken aback but decides the best method of dealing with this horrendous language from a 5 year old is to let it slide and ignore it. But she decides to call Little Petey's mother and ask her to come in the next day and observe this behaviour from her precocious little guy.

Next day ... Cue SL Sunrise ....
Biker mom comes in and hides in the coat closet to observe.
It's Milk and cookie time at the Nursery school. The teacher calls the kiddies to line up to go to the cafeteria. Little Petey the biker's kid refuses to get up. The teacher asks 'What's the matter Little Petey don't you want any milk and cookies?' Little Petey replies; 'Fuck that shit, I don't fucking like cookies, and milk makes me shit alot.'
Ms. Teachie looks over to the closet at Biker Mom and asks 'So what do you think about this ?' To which Biker Mom replies: "Fuck his little ass. If he don't want no goddamn milk and cookies don't fuckin give him none.

Birthday Present
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

In the mid 60's, a US Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

Dear Captain,

Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's coming of age party. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No Jews please."

Sure enough, at 8:00 PM on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door which she opened to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered, smiling BLACK officers. Her jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she stammered, "there must be some mistake!"

"No ma'am," said the first officer, "Captain Cohen doesn't make mistakes!"

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.

He gave her that "who are you look", and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.

Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one
of my children," and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! "

Then he got a little panicky."I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"

"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!"

This business man checked into a hotel on a business trip and he was a bit
lonely so he thought he would get one of those girls he saw advertised in yellow pages under massage.
He got one called Erogeonique, lovely girl, bending over in the photo, beautiful.

So he picked up the phone and called the number.
"Hello?" the woman says.

"Hi, I hear you do massage and I'd like you to come to my
room and give me a massage. No, wait, I want sex.
I want it hard, fast and now! I'm talking kinky, the
whole night, you name it we'll do it. Bring implements,
bring toys, do the lot, all night, tie me up, wear a strap
on, cover me in anything. Now how does that sound."

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside
line you need to press 9."