Well Kris since you're offline I'll do it!
And I'll start too..
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˜Cause, "Cake or death?" That's a pretty easy question. Anyone could answer that.
"Cake or death?"
"Eh, cake please."
"Very well! Give him cake!"
"Oh, thanks very much. It's very nice."
"You! Cake or death?"
"Uh, cake for me, too, please."
"Very well! Give him cake, too! We're gonna run out of cake at this rate. You! Cake or death?"
"Uh, death, please. No, cake! Cake! Cake, sorry. Sorry..."
"You said death first, uh-uh, death first!"
"Well, I meant cake!"
"Oh, all right. You're lucky I'm Church of England!" Cake or death?""
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"Performing enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. Ok, we can
swing with that. But performance debilitating drugs should not be
banned. Smoke a joint and win the hundred meters, fair play to you.
That's pretty damn good. Unless someone's dangling a Mars bar off in
the distance."
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"And the National Rifle Association says that, "Guns don't kill people, people do,” but I think the gun helps, you know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, "Bang!" That's not going to kill too many people, is it? You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that…"
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Eddie Izzard, Quotes, Sketches and MORE! |
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Zapoteth Zaius
Is back
Join date: 14 Feb 2004
Posts: 5,634
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11-07-2005 05:38
_____________________
I have the right to remain silent. Anything I say will be misquoted and used against me.
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Kris Ritter
paradoxical embolism
Join date: 31 Oct 2003
Posts: 6,627
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11-07-2005 05:46
lol.
Well, firstly, I'm not offline. I just appear that way  Secondly... yay you! Another Eddie freak! <3! I can't tell you my favorites as such, because everything the man says cracks me up. So I'll just quote them randomly as I think of them  "So in Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain and Turkey! The Ottoman Empire, full of furniture for some reason. And the Austro-Hungarian Empire, famous for fuck all! Yes, all they did was slowly collapse like a flan in a cupboard." --- "I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup." --- "Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the opposite sex: "Girls girls, oooh". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!"" |
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DogSpot Boxer
vortex thruster
Join date: 23 Aug 2005
Posts: 671
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11-07-2005 05:52
I saw EI on his "Circle" tour. He was brilliant.
"needle death" "I'm an executive transvestite" _____________________
Dogspot Boxer
Charter Member Of The Socially Inept Club Our Motto: We may be inept, but at least we're social |
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Willow Zander
Having Blahgasms
Join date: 22 May 2004
Posts: 9,935
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11-07-2005 05:57
YAY OMG!
 Never put a sock in a toaster. PiAno,piAno - It's not a bloody piano, its a clarenARt...you weird talking person. But with dogs, we do have “bad dog.” Bad dog exists. “Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!” The dog is saying, “Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!” Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry. _____________________
*I'm not ready for the world outside...I keep pretending, but I just can't hide...* <3 Giddeon's <3 |
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Cid Jacobs
Theoretical Meteorologist
Join date: 18 Jul 2004
Posts: 4,304
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11-07-2005 05:59
“I’ve dreamed the European Dream. I dreamt that every country in Europe spoke a different language and they hated each other… Oh, that’s true, isn’t it? Yes.”
That was the dream, but now, maybe now, the dream is to be in the South of Europe – to be in Greece, in Italy, in Spain, and to be on a moped with no helmet on, riding along, going, “ciao!” That’s a pretty cool dream; it’s not much of a dream, but it’s as good as we’ve got so far, and it’s pretty funky, ‘cause when you die… you look a mess, but I don’t know, I just like it. ( mimics riding on a Vespa ) ‘Cause you’re in a fucking hairdryer. There’s dogs walking faster than you! It’s just pretty damn cool for me. That’s the European Dream, thank you very much. Good night. _____________________
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Kris Ritter
paradoxical embolism
Join date: 31 Oct 2003
Posts: 6,627
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11-07-2005 06:04
...we built up empires - we stole countries! That's what you do, that's how you build an empire. We stole countries with the cunning use of flags! Yeah, just sail around the world and stick a flag in.
"I claim India for Britain!" They go, "You can't claim us, we live here! 500 million of us!" "Do you have a flag?" "We don't need a bloody flag! It's our country, you bastards!" "No flag, no country, you can't have one! That's the rules that I've just made up, and I'm backing it up with this gun that was lent from the National Rifle Association." That was it, you know? |
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Zapoteth Zaius
Is back
Join date: 14 Feb 2004
Posts: 5,634
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11-07-2005 06:11
lol. Well, firstly, I'm not offline. I just appear that way My Mistake! Secondly... yay you! Another Eddie freak! <3! Thats ME! l I can't tell you my favorites as such, because everything the man says cracks me up. So I'll just quote them randomly as I think of them Ditto.. buuut.. "I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over. Cause if a woman falls over wearing heels, that’s embarrassing. But if a bloke falls over wearing heels, you have to kill yourself. It’s the end of your life." ----- "You say, "Do you want a cup of coffee?" and she says, "Yeah, okay." Then sex is on, yes? Doesn't always work, though. If the President of Barundi says do you want a cup of coffee..." ----- "What shall we call our son so he does not get the shit kicked out of him at school? We shall call him Englebert Humperdink! Yes, that'll work." ----- "And Henry VIII, a big hairy king, went up to the Pope and said, "Mr. Pope! I'm gonna marry my first wife, then I'm gonna divorce her. Now, I know what you're gonna say, but stick with me. My story gets better. Second wife, I'm gonna kill her! Cut her head off. Ah, not expecting that, are we? Third wife gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her in a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a rotissamat. Seventh wife, made out of jam..." and the Pope is saying, "You crazy bugger! You can't do all this, what are you a Mormon? It's illegal. What have you been reading? The gospel according to St. Bastard?" And Henry who was Sean Connary for this film said "*Sean Connary Voice* Well then I shall start my own religion! The psychotic bastard religion!" And an adviser says "Why not call it church of england my lord?" Henry: "Church of england!! Even though I am scottish myself..."" _____________________
I have the right to remain silent. Anything I say will be misquoted and used against me.
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Zapoteth Zaius
Is back
Join date: 14 Feb 2004
Posts: 5,634
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11-07-2005 06:13
"We have toasters in this country...and they lie to us! Because it has numbers from one to six and it lies to us! Put it on four and it comes up 5, all burn, no good, scrape scrape scrape, bin.. Put it in three it comes up 2, no good at all hardly done!!"
_____________________
I have the right to remain silent. Anything I say will be misquoted and used against me.
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Beclamide Neurocam
3.14159265
Join date: 8 Oct 2005
Posts: 70
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11-07-2005 06:27
"I grew up in Europe. Where the history comes from."
As a friend of mine once said, "Izzards a guy who's funnier than you and has nicer shoes than your girlfriend." |
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Kris Ritter
paradoxical embolism
Join date: 31 Oct 2003
Posts: 6,627
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11-07-2005 06:35
So after World War II, the whole world was going,
"Come on, Europe, give these countries back. Come on, we just had a bloody war; let's give 'em back. Britain?" "Wha'?" "What's that behind your back?" "Oh, it's India and a number of other countries." "Give 'em back." "Oh, all right. There's that one there, and there's that one…” "Falkland Islands?” "Oh, we need the Falkland Islands... for strategic sheep purposes!" |
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Zapoteth Zaius
Is back
Join date: 14 Feb 2004
Posts: 5,634
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11-07-2005 07:06
"Me and this other chief scout went on an outing as chaperones for these younger girls. Ten girls, two boys. Good odds for a shy kid. We go to an activity center where you climb a tree and eat a sausage. It builds your character so you know about sausages. We go swimming and I'm doing splashy-splashy with a girl I fancy. She's doing splashy-splashy. l'm going, "Fucking hell, splashy back!" Coz Splashy-splashy is the aquatic equivalent of "Do you want a cup of coffee?" and I think, "I'll do swimmy-swimmy and maybe she'll do swimmy-swimmy in a kind of chase me-chase me way. Then we'll do catchy-catchy and underwater sexy-sexy. But I was so elated that splashy-splashy was working that I swam like a boy chased by sharky-sharky. I swam and I swam and I swam and I was in Egypt when they caught up with me!"
_____________________
I have the right to remain silent. Anything I say will be misquoted and used against me.
--------------- Zapoteth Designs, Temotu (100,50) --------------- |
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Zapoteth Zaius
Is back
Join date: 14 Feb 2004
Posts: 5,634
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11-07-2005 07:12
"I'm sorry - but we're gonna have to be bilingual. English speakers hate this. "Two languages in one head? No one can live at that speed." "Good Lord, man! You're asking the impossible." "But the Dutch speak four languages and smoke marijuana." "Yes, but they're cheating. Everyone knows marijuana's a drug enhancement that can help you on track and field to come last in a team of eight million... ..eight million other runners who are all dead.""
_____________________
I have the right to remain silent. Anything I say will be misquoted and used against me.
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Beclamide Neurocam
3.14159265
Join date: 8 Oct 2005
Posts: 70
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11-07-2005 08:30
"I am an evil giraffe, and I shall eat more leaves from this tree then prehaps I should, so that other giraffes may die"
-- "I saw something in a program on something in Miami, and they were saying, "We've redecorated this building to how it looked over 50 years ago!" And people were going, "No, surely not, no. No one was alive then!"" |
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Beclamide Neurocam
3.14159265
Join date: 8 Oct 2005
Posts: 70
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11-07-2005 11:10
lol one more
"‘Cause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the Nelson Mandela-type area, you know, relaxed and groovy; and the Romans thought, "Relaxed and groovy?! No, no, no, no, no!" So they murdered him. And kids eat chocolate eggs, because of the color of the chocolate, and the color of the... wood on the cross. Well, you tell me! It's got nothing to do with it, has it?" |
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Ilianexsi Sojourner
Chick with Horns
Join date: 11 Jul 2004
Posts: 1,707
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11-07-2005 11:21
Eddie rocks. I have to watch his special every time it comes on HBO. Without going and looking them up to be exact, I love the bit about the early space program, and how Britain couldn't afford to put a guy in a track suit up a ladder... also when he said, I can't do Kennedy, so this is James Mason doing Kennedy.
'Cake or death' is one of the best._____________________
Everything's impossible,'till it ain't. --Ben Hawkins, Carnivale
Help build a Utopian Playland-- www.doctorsteel.com. Music, robots, fun times! |
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Neehai Zapata
Unofficial Parent
Join date: 8 Apr 2004
Posts: 1,970
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11-07-2005 13:18
Oh I love Eddie Izzard. Let me go find some.
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Unofficial moderator and proud dysfunctional parent to over 1000 bastard children.
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Tiara Montale
Crabby Pants Founder
Join date: 26 Oct 2005
Posts: 40
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11-07-2005 13:21
"Building a henge, are we? That's a fantastic idea. It's a marvelous religion the druids have got, yes. A lot of white clothing, I like that." They'd smash out a huge stone and then they'd put tree trunks down to roll it along on...."Help you push 'em along, all right? It's not far, is it?" And the druids going, "Heave, everyone, heave, well done everyone. You're doing very well. You'll love it when you see it, I've seen some of the drawings already, it's very special." After 200 miles, "You fucking bastard! You never told us 200 miles! Two hundred miles in this day and age? I don't even know where I live now!... And they set all the stones up and the druids are still tinkering around. "Ok, that stone and this one, can we swap them round?"
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[left]"Fairytales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten." ~G. K. Chesterton [/left] |
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ReallyRick Metropolitan
Yes it's really me.
Join date: 4 Jun 2005
Posts: 691
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11-07-2005 13:43
Hehe funny I saw this thread:
Eddie Izzard - "Dress to Kill" @ Schmooze Date: Thursday, November 10, 2005 Time: 6:00PM - 8:00PM (120 minutes) Location: Pixel Dreams (14,191) Host: ReallyRick Metropolitan Category: Miscellaneous Cover Charge? No Event description: Schmooze Entertainment and Pixel Dreams is proud to present - Eddie Izzard "Dress to Kill." Executive transvestite Eddie Izzard takes his show to San Francisco to give a brief history of pagan and Christian religions, the building of Stonehenge, the birth of the Church of England and of Western empires, and the need for a European dream. Along the way, he dramatizes Dr. Heimlich's search for a maneuver, the naming of Engelbert Humperdinck, Scooby and Shaggy as archetypes, Neil Armstrong on the moon, society's tolerance of mass murderers, how we sing anthems and carols, Hollywood adapting British films, JFK's trip to Berlin, thoughts on puberty, and working school-book-French phrases into Paris conversation. Close-ups catch the glint in his eye and show his carefully-applied make-up. *THIS IS AN AUDIO EVENT* *For Mature Audiences Only* IM ReallyRick Metropolitan for a TP! _____________________
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Zapoteth Zaius
Is back
Join date: 14 Feb 2004
Posts: 5,634
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11-09-2005 07:37
"No smoking in bars now and soon no drinking and no talking! Be careful California you're supposed to be the crazy state, out there, the wild ones. Soon every body will be saying, "Let's all go down the library we'll have a wild time!" --- "'Danger' could be my middle name... but it's 'John'" --- "I am two lesbians in a man's body." --- And we had the Druids- long white robes, long white beards, early transvestities, didn't get their shaving together. And they built Stonehenge, one of the biggest henges in the world! No one's built a henge like that ever since! No one knows what the fuck a henge is. Before Stonehenge there was Woodhenge and Strawhenge, but a big bad wolf came and blew them down and three little piggies were relocated to the projects. But they built Stonehenge, and it's built in an area in the south of England and the area where they built it is very "ahhhhhaaa, ahhhhaaaaahhh oooohahahhhhh". Because that's good, it's a mystical thing built in a mystical area. You don't want to build it in an area that's "yadadadada da boo boo doo dee dee dee". No, you build Trump Tower. Yeah, so they built it there and the stones aree fifty feet high, thirty feet long, twenty feet deep and other measurements as well. And the stones are not from around there, that's the amazing thing. And remember, this is B.C. *mumble mumble*...this is before the B.C.-A.D. changeover. You didn't have to wind your watch back, you had to get a new bloody watch! "Oh, it's A.D. is it, now? Fucking 'ell...." And the Muslim people going, "A.D., who's he?" So, yeah, the stones are from 200 miles away in Wales, so these guys in Wales were carving the rocks out of a mountain... "Fantastic, building a henge, are we? That's a fantastic idea! It's a marvelous religion, the Druids have got, they've got a lot of white clothing...I like that." So they smash out a huge stone and then they put tree trunks down to roll it along on. "All right, walk it along, here we go, here we go. It's not far, is it?" And the Druids going, "Heave, everyone, heave! Well done, everyone, you're doing very well. You'll love it when you see it, I've seen some of the drawing already, it's very special." After 200 miles, "You fucking bastards! You never told us it was 200 miles! 200 miles in this day and age? I don't even know where I live now! I wish the Christians would hurry up and get here!" _____________________
I have the right to remain silent. Anything I say will be misquoted and used against me.
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Rick Deckard
Cogito, ergo doleo.
Join date: 1 Apr 2005
Posts: 159
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11-09-2005 10:04
Ok, a couple more…
Neil said, "One small step for man, a giant leap for mankind." Good line, but not his line. I bet that was given to him. He was coming down the steps going, “A small step for man, a giant leap for mankind. Don't get it wrong. Don't fuck it up. Here we go.” "I'm a small man with a giant...Shit. One man small giant to...to men's...What was it?" You gotta say something. You can't get out onto the moon and go, "Oh, it's all sticky. It's covered in jam.” You can't go, "Fucking hell, l've been in that spacecraft...Right, I need a piss." You can't wind down the window - "Is this the Sea of Tranquility?” There is no one around. "Hey lady, you’re speeding." "Get lost, I’m the Queen." (in a French jungle) "Bonjour!" "Eh, bonjour." "Qu'est-ce qui se passe?" "Bonjour, je suis Anglais, je suis ici en vacances." "C'est très belle ici, les couleurs, les bras, très belle." "Ouais, ouais." (lnhaling) "Ouais, ouais." "Tu es un travesti?" "Ouais, je suis un travesti, mais pas un travesti typical. Je suis un travesti executif. Un travesti d'action." "Très bien." |
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Lecktor Hannibal
YOUR MOM
Join date: 1 Jul 2004
Posts: 6,734
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02-06-2006 13:00
la bump
_____________________
YOUR MOM says, 'Come visit us at SC MKII http://secondcitizen.net '
Oh, Lecktor, you're terrible. Bikers have more fun than people ! |
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Zapoteth Zaius
Is back
Join date: 14 Feb 2004
Posts: 5,634
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02-06-2006 13:01
la bump Haha! Read my mind Leck, I was just gonna do this after I got through todays Off Topic.. _____________________
I have the right to remain silent. Anything I say will be misquoted and used against me.
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Zapoteth Zaius
Is back
Join date: 14 Feb 2004
Posts: 5,634
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02-06-2006 13:58
La cocoratcha the pig!
_____________________
I have the right to remain silent. Anything I say will be misquoted and used against me.
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Zapoteth Zaius
Is back
Join date: 14 Feb 2004
Posts: 5,634
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02-06-2006 14:02
Oh I love Eddie Izzard. Let me go find some. YOU NEVER FOUND ANY NEEHAI! COME BACK! _____________________
I have the right to remain silent. Anything I say will be misquoted and used against me.
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Marcos Fonzarelli
You are not Marcos
Join date: 26 Feb 2004
Posts: 748
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02-06-2006 14:30
RRRMRRMMMMMMMMMMMM
Ciaooooo. Edit: Damn you people, I just had to go order Dress to Kill on DVD. *shakes fist* |