I would love some advice

Hi everyone, Please be gentle with me as this is my first topic posting..
Now I have been on SL for about 6 months, I have noticed an alarming trend amongst the men...This seems to appear after meeting them over a few weeks, they give me all the sweet talk and we become good friends..Then I get asked, "Have you webcam or mic??" When my response is "no.." I get asked "how do I know you are female then, if you can't webcam or mic, what about a RL pic??"
This has happened to me a lot recently, and I do not like feeling pressured into proving my sexuality...
As there are profiles on SL that know my RL details, and can verify that I am female..I would like to know if I can name and shame the profiles that do not believe what they are told...

Walk away

Best answer I can give, if they push that hard for verification they are not worth dealing with.

Trust is one of the most important aspects of any friendship or relationship. If they won't take you at your word, find another friend.

So much for "friends." Run, do not walk, away from pushy people.

ETA: no naming and shaming here. Try SLUniverse, but really, do we need to see that dirty laundry?

You must be having a run of bad luck. There are plenty of people in SL who hold to "Whatever your AV is in SL, that is who you are."

Hiyas Sylvia and Welcome to Teh Forumz

don't let anyone pressure you into doin something you aren't comfy with. tell them so. and if they aren't satisfied with your answer, move on. naming names is a no no and can get you banned from the forums

Quite.

I don't care if i'm dealing with a guy a as girl or a girl as a guy. To me they're "characters" and so I should be to them (in my mind).

My profile RL page makes it quite clear

Oh and as for the "lets do mic/webcam" thing, just tell them you're deaf and so don't speak too well or that you don't want to let your parents know you're using the computer because you're only 8. That usually closes that one off nicely.

Establish up front when meeting them what your SL boundaries are. If you are not into voice chat and exchanging RL pictures, state it on the first date.

When someone starts pushing that boundary, it's time to cut him off. Avoid him.

Besides, if it's really important to a man that you be "verified" as female, and he cannot do so and suspects that you are not "really female," then he is less likely to stalk you. Let his suspicions lead him away from you. This dynamic works to your advantage.

Here are your two mental hurdles to overcome:

1. You have no obligation to "prove" anything to anyone. It's up to you to decide the limits of your SL socialization. No one has the right to demand anything from you.

2. There's nothing really wrong with residents who want to socialize with people via voice and exchanging RL pictures. They just need to happily find other people with whom to do that. The only wrong act is when they don't respect your boundaries.

Don't spend any more time on a broken relationship than it's worth. Revenge or calling them out is a waste of your time, and really just sets you up to receive more of their attention. Don't spend your time on someone who isn't worth your time. Take control of your own time.

I'm trying to think of a gentle way to say this. If the guys you are meeting are consistently wanting you to get a webcam for them, you may want to hang out in some new areas of SL. If you are meeting people who make you uncomfortable, more to another place and that will change.

Sylvia,

You'll see this a lot. I teach a class in SL relationships (stop sniggering you guys, you all know the old saying about those who can't do, teach.)

In that class, I suggest that there are two types of people in SL. The first one is here for roleplay, and fantasy, and adventure. This type of person wants to keep their RL out of it, and live Second Life as a...second life. On meeting this type of person, the first question they're likely to ask you is, "Where did you get those shoes?"

The second type of person, the ones you're running into, use SL as a kind of Facebook with 3D animations. They are very interested in your RL, and will freely share their own. When you meet this type of person, their first question is, "Where are you from?"

Either approach to SL is fine...but the two do not mix well. The fantasist thinks the realist is prying. The realist thinks the fantasist is reluctant to share because she is Hiding Some Awful Secret.

Never, ever, ever give out any RL information unless YOU want to. Not because someone asks for it.

I agree with the above posters. This is YOUR Second Life, on YOUR terms. Set those terms out to start. Put them in your picks/profile. something like:


"I dont do voice. I don't do webcams. I don't send out r/l pictures of myself. Let's leave R/L in R/L and enjoy our 2nd Life".

You have every right to walk away from anyone who demands anything from you which you don't want to provide.

Personally? I don't care if you're a hermaphrodite martian with 12 toes in real life. I'll be your friend.

I'm wondering why the subject even comes up. I've been here almost five years, and no one has ever asked me to confirm my RL gender. I could count the amount of people who even ever asked about it on one hand.

And I do have to wonder why your friendships with men have to include "sweet talk". Why not just plain old talk?

One thing I like about SL is it's an environment in which gender, race, physical appearance, etc., simply don't matter. All that's relevant is how people behave, and what they say. Nothing else is important.

I do realize, though, that not everyone thinks that way. Some people do come here for online romances, or for cyber-sex, or for any number of other things in which the question of gender could make a difference. I don't pretend to understand that stuff, though. If I want romance and/or sex, that's what real people are for, not pixelated five-inch-tall cartoon characters on my screen. To each his own, though. There's certainly nothing wrong with it if that's what someone's into. I just don't get it, myself, is all. But that's OK. I don't have to.

In any case, what does it matter if someone doesn't believe you are who or what you say you are? How could it possibly affect your life in any way that some faceless stranger from half way across the Internet might think you happen to be a guy, or a girl, or maybe a really clever typing monkey, or a space alien, or whatever? You are still who you are, regardless of what they decide to think, right? So why do you care?



To answer your question as asked, no, you shouldn't "name and shame" anyone. First of all, it's against the rules of SL and of its forums. Second, why would you want to do that anyway? If you're really the better person, then just BE the better person. That's it. If someone gives you cause not to like them, fine, just don't like them. There's no need to publicize it. Be a grownup.

And if doing the right thing just for its own sake isn't enough for you, how about thinking of it from a risk/reward perspective. Exactly what would it gain you to shout from the highest mountain, "I'm a girl, but ________ doesn't believe I really am one! Shame on _____, everyone. Shame on _______!"? I can't imagine that it would benefit you in any way to do that. There is a very real chance it could harm you, though. Of the people who hear you, I'd assume their reaction would be any or all of the following:

1. OK, and I should care why? Please shut up now. Thank you.

2. _______ is my friend, and I don't appreciate you badmouthing him. Get lost.

3. I'm ______, and I'd like to take this opportunity to say I told you so. That person is a whack job and a half, whether she's a he or not.

4. What did you say? I'm a tad deaf in this ear.

5. Got it. You're a girl. Congratulations and good for you. You've managed to accomplish the same feat ast 3 billion other people, happen to get born female. Do you feel special?

6. Ew, girls are icky. I'm gonna go play kickball with my buddies.

7. Fantastic! I'm a serial killer, and I love girls. Where do you live?

8. You are? I thought you were just pretending. I'm gay, and I'm so not into you anymore. Goodbye.

9. I'm a Linden Lab employee, and I'm here to tell you that your account is about to be suspended for launching personal attacks against another resident.

10. Got a webcam?

Is any of that really the kind of attention you want?

Actually, the ones that blindside me are the presumably middle-aged guys. After a small unexpected 'confession' when it turns out that your presumably male friend you've known for ages is some stunningly attractive 20-something female.

Talk about un-nerving... to put it in perspective, imagine if we suddenly discovered Figtree or Trout turned out to have the looks of a young female supermodel...

How about that. Men aren't the only ones doing online gender-switching. Who'd've thunk it?

As opposed to Chosen turning out to look like a supermodel, which wouldn't surprise anyone, right?

If I had boobs, I'd never leave the mirror long enough to post here.

Funny, Sassy, but never say anything about being under age if you want to keep playing in SL


I'll second that one.
If you are going to the meat markets trying to find someone special you will likely find a lot of shallow people. Try more relaxing hangouts or groups. There are many more men than women here and sadly most men are only looking for a flavor of the week. Hell, I've ben known to chase a skirt or two myself. It took a little time but I have learned to take things at face value. It's the heart that maters and once we seperate that from the meat shell we are born with, the real person within shines through. NEVER let ANYONE pressure you into changing your stance. Be it values, RL details or the music you listen to. If they can not accept that, they are not your friends.

Damn. So close. I only have 11 toes ...

I fall into the "roleplayer" category. My First Life is private, and has nothing to do with my Second Life. I make it VERY clear from the first mention of intimacy that any 'relationship' is strictly between the fictional characters on the screen, and that it does not extend to the real people at the keyboards. Player to player, I never offer more than platonic friendship - not even to my SL Partner who I have been with for close to three years!

If I encounter anyone who wants me to "prove I'm a girl" by using Voice or a webcam, I tell them that if my RL gender, race, weight, or anything else about my RL player matters to them, they should look elsewhere. For Petes sake, do they think my real self has three tails and red fur? They either accept Ceera, as I present her on screen, or they can look elsewhere. I never date in RL anyone I play with on-line, so if they start prying about my RL self, that is a HUGE red flag for me that I don't want to encourage them anyway. There are plenty of people in SL who ARE willing to let it go no further than the screen, and for me, that is far more desirable.

whew, you didn't mention me. My secet is safe ...

You mean you don't? I'm so not gonna be your friend anymore.

Funny thing, I sometimes say a similar thing about if I had a penis. The grass is always greener on the other side, isn't it?

I do currently spend a lot of time naked in front of magnification mirrors...

Just because someone has to say it, would you like to sit next to me while I type?

I do. I keep her wrapped up in a freezer in my basement.

Oh, wait...you meant if it was ME that looked like the young female model, not that I possesed someone with the looks of...

hifty eyes:

Never mind. Carry on. Nothing to see here.

Pics, please.