Nine Words Women Use

Why come and take the "J" out of the JOY in a thread people were enJOYing?

I do not understand 2 posts in this thread and why they interjected into a perfectly happy atmosphere.

Ah well... I look forward to the next one Taylor!

Thanks hun, Just tried to make a fun lil thread for us to play in to pass the time of the daily work grind.. One sourpuss won't change my posting habits..

Who was bein' a sourpuss?

LMFAO! you seriously have to ask that?

I'm assuming the assumption is that it was me. If it was taken that I was bein sour, I 'pologize!

I just think it's funny that we're still doing "When a woman sez..." jokes.

Somebody just get back from a weekend in the Poconos?

<3

you decide (and it better be the right decision)
we need to talk (answer this right and I won't dump you)
doesn't bother me a bit (you'll pay later)
are you listening to me? (FFS do something useful)
I don't want to talk about it (you have 5 seconds to run like hell)

If i say "oh forget it", that is your cue that something bad just got put in the slow cooker...

You mean those sounds my wife makes *mean* something?

Pep ("Yes dear" seems to make it go away most effectively)

So...what I want to know is what "Uh-hmmm" means when men say it. I am guessing it is some sort of tonally inflected language taught to them from birth, or some such.

It means "I'm barely paying attention; can't you see the football game is on?; better mumble something though, that'll put her off for a little bit longer"

"1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up."

But that's all the time.

fine, nothing, never mind, *#@!*

Really? So going out and drinking heavily to obliterate all short term memory (as per instruction) is not the correct course of action to take when a 'chick' says "oh forget it"?

Next you will be telling me that when my wife says to me to "go f@*! myself" i shouldn't head straight to the bathroom with copy of "gorgeous grannies" for a quick hand shandy?

Crazy talk.

I did a pick and choose, as the website had a really long list:

What Men REALLY Mean ...

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means...."As long as you don't expect me to paint it. In which case I like the color it is NOW just fine."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really mean....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Have you lost weight?"
Really means.... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means...."I forgot our anniversary again."

"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, blood, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means...."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address and eye color of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means...."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you."
Really means...."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You look terrific."
Really means...."Oh, God, please don't let her try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means...."Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"I broke up with her."
Really means.... "She dumped me."

Hilarious! 'Nothing' also means 'you're going to be in deep, deep trouble unless you figure out why I'm mad at you, and fast.'

Guilty as charged!

OK as we're in a silly mood (that's the royal 'we' lol)


Please note that this Bank is installing newDrive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set handbrake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way..
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15.. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in chequebookand place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Handbrake.


1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT - USE THE SINK.

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Well as it's that time of year again....

Santa's letters.....
Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.
Santa
****************************************************

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear
Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay.I'll set you up with a Barbie.
Santa
****************************************************

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear
Susan,
Milk gives me the sh*ts and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.
Santa
***************************************************

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of c*cktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey,you wanted to know.
Santa
****************************************************

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
***************************************************

Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging sh*t may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a
sweater............. again.
Santa
****************************************************

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams,
Santa

**************************

We always hear "The Rules" from the female side, so here are the rules from the MALE point of view. Please note they are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE

If you're a man pass to your partner for greater understanding. If you're a woman keep it somewhere prominent like on the fridge.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us b*tching about you leaving it down


1. Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it

1. Saturdays = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons why guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with it

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way

1. Crying is blackmail

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear about this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it

1. We don't remember dates. Mark Birthdays and Anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand

1. Most men own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help in solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for

1. A headache that lasts for 1.7 months is a problem. See a doctor

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are; or if your ass looks big in that dress, it probably does. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of them makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic. If we don't look at other women, we have no measure of just how pretty you are

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions. Neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was during the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And stop whining to your girlfriends

1. All men see in only 1.6 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what taupe is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that

1. We are not mind readers, and we never will be. Our lack of mind reading ability is not proof of how little we care for you

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "Nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you're prepared to discuss topics like navel fluff, the offside rule or motor bikes

1. You have enough clothes

1. You have too many shoes.

1. No, you really do have too many shoes.

1. It is in neither your interest or ours to take part in the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz

1. Beer is as exciting to us as handbags are to you.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the sofa tonight, but did you know we really don't mind, it's like camping

1. I'm in shape. Round IS a shape.

Inc

Fixed it for ya!

Pep (Pretty perspicacious of you though - are you sure you're not a guy really?)

Something no-one has mentioned is that there is always an unspoken "now!" omitted from the end of most female utterances.

Pep (From however many rooms away the monologue is being issued)

Like - "Phone 911 the house is on fire."

More like "Do you think we should move house . . . ?"

Pep (999 where we live)

You're in Rome now.