Dating my wife?

I'm writing this basically just for my own thoughts, thinking out loud and to see the interesting comments that will more than likely follow. My RL wife and I have been married for 10 years. Marriage has been up and down. She misses me 'cause of my time in SL, she plays SL also but not to the same extent as I do. She's aware of my relationships in SL and has been accepting of them. She's even had sexual encounters with other men in SL. We really haven't spent any time in SL together. I live my SL life, she lives hers. In RL we're in the "lifestyle", and have been for some time, it works for us. In SL I have had some close relationships, felt that I had "fallen in love" at one point. So I ask myself... What if... I asked my RL wife on a date in SL? Am I just infatuated with the idea of meeting someone, sparking with someone... The idea of falling in love with someone new? Being desired, wanted, needed, loved by someone else? Can I re-create that in SL with my own wife? Is meeting women in SL and either thinking that I am falling in love or is it the thought of the idea of falling love the right answer? Just thinking out loud...

Any other RL couples date each other in SL? Do you do it in the same room or pretend you're miles apart? What works for you?

It sounds like you two are way overdue for a serious spark in your relationship, and taking each other out on dates in SL just might be that spark you need.

Bullshit. They both need to turn their computers off and concentrate on the real. (That is if the real is important to them)

That spark might also ignite a bomb, then again maybe the timers already ticking anyway.

Perhaps ask your wife?

Ask her on a date and see what happens. Worst case, you two continue as you have been - and if it works for you, ignore the judgment of others.

Oh, grow up.


Chase, anything that helps you communicate is a good thing. In any relationship communication is key; it is even more so with a poly-amorous relationship. Woo her, seduce her, let her know she is still desirable and that is given a choice (which you have in SL) you would still want her.

/me laughs

After so many years of beng married, SL offers that 'honeymoon spark' that tends to evaporate after a time.

We all enjoy our ego's being stroked, being who we 'would like to be' or 'who we really are'.

Perhaps without the shackles of RL (financial restraints, children, commitements etc) you can truly get to re-connect. After so many years, some things, tastes likes and dislikes may have changed. However...

You would still look on her as your wife. You would still make assumptions... you would still have the 'issues' you have now... because she IS your wife.

Same goes for her.

So.. your options are clear..

1. YOu do this without any pre-concieved ideas about your partner and be prepared for whatever little 'monster' climbs out of the closet
2. Switch your PC off and go at it in RL
3. Make it an adventure... set up the romance... leave notes around on SL for each other... etc...

Whatever you do... be creative, be sensible and discuss it at least before or after....


I have just opened a BDSM/GOR playground with my husband. He is WAY less open minded than I am... but he is also seeing the excitement that can be offered. We been married for 15 years and we are TRULY only now learning some home truths about ourselves, our marriage and interactions.

It is not always good, but it certainly is a heck of a lot better than what it ws before.

Your willingness to involve your wife on both fronts... simply shows (to me) that you are perhaps realising that the grass is NOT greener on the other side... at least not without the security and commitment that you come to have in RL.

My rambling thoughts... is all... don't take to to heart!

Soulstorm Ruby
x x x

Most often, when the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, it's because this side has been lacking fertiliser for too long.

I am skeptical that separate SL relationships could do anything positive for an RL relationship. I personally would not want my wife emotionally and pixelly tied to anybody other than me. I know my wife has said the same to me.

We're actually opposite of the OP. My wife spends more time on SL although I'm no slouch. When we're together in SL we're usually exploring new sims, galleries or clubs... and occasionally visiting any of the half-dozen or so locations we've set up in our regions for pixel-play. Our SL relationship strengthens our RL relationship and vice versa.

Sure "catching" her in SL didn't have the same unknown excitement that one gets from a perfect stranger. In my early SL days, before I fully understood the etiquette and impact, I'd flirted with a few women. The exciting part was the chase... getting them to "Yes." I will admit, it was quite compelling. I remember now what all the fuss is about.

But once you've said, "I do" you need to be there COMPLETELY. What I'd do is find a way to sweep your wife off her feet in SL. You'll find it pays dividends in both worlds.

Alot depends on what you are willing to accept from the outcomes.

True Story

When I came to SL I came with a very dear friend (who was for a time a girlfriend). At that point in time I had a wife of 7years and a male lover of 15 years. Paul knew kimi, kimi knew paul we were a happy trio of friends with me being the link between.

Kimi and Paul both decided to join me in SL. We did things in pairs or as a trio didnt matter we had fun. They both knew about my girlfriend M. They knew and liked her. She knew about them. All was cool.

M's cousin joined SL and started dating Kimi. I was fine with it. Another friend of Ms started dating Paul. Aso cool.

At some point M and I stopped dating and I started dating her RL brother.

We were all family all was fine.

In the end Kimi married Ms cousin RL.
Paul married M's friend RL.
I married Ms brother RL.
M married someone that wasnt even in the picture back then RL.

We are all still family and all still together. It is still cool.

My point is you never know how these things are going to work out. If you are seriously worried that the outside affairs of SL are jeopardizing your marriage then its time to do something about it INSIDE SL and OUTSIDE SL. If you are not concerned about that then let it all go with the flow.

In my case I loved both Kimi and Paul enough to say go be happy. Not everyone can do that without destroying what relationship you had to begin with.

I know emotionally healthy married couples who, in addition to doing different activities together in real life, also have fun playing online games together. Maybe dating in SL will gives new ideas on real-life dating.

Playing SL together is less expensive than getting a divorce.

Well, the OP has already stated that they participate in the "Lifestyle" in RL and pixel-bopping inworld does not translate to emotional for everyone.

Yes... yes, he did.

And I responded with an opinion and an anecdote from my life intended to illustrate some of the issues being discussed.

But I do have a bad habit of interrupting people. I hope I'm not becoming a bother here.

You're only a bother if you suggest that spending time in RL is more valuable than spending time in SL.

Hi Chase,

I'll stick my oar in here, despite being boring old Mr Monogomous.

It seems there are two questions here.

1. How to reconnect with your wife using SL as the facilitator (sounds romantic doesn't it?)
2. How to adjust and build a polyamorous element within your relationship.

On the first question, and having met several RL couples in SL, I'd say go for it. As other people have said, SL appears to be the perfect tool for communicating with someone while leaving all the baggage of day-to-day real life behind.

I admit it might be difficult to leave old perceptions and lingering resentments at the login screen, but if there ever was an environment designed to encourage a fresh start, it's SL.

My feeling is that logging in from separate rooms would help you in this regard.

The second question is a bit more difficult, and I guess depends on how successful you are in answering question 1.

As I say, I'm very unsophisticated in relationship matters, so I'm not really sure what the "lifestyle" is. It does sound to me however, that there might be a little discrepancy between your attitudes and expectations with regards to the polyamory aspect.

Again, solely from my experience in SL, the most successful examples of the polyamorous lifestyle require the following conditions.

That you both agree your relationship will always be the primary one.
That there aren't any outstanding/deeply felt resentments.
That you both feel similarly about including polyamory within your relationship.
That you both feel that you have a similar say in how your relationship works.
That you set out and agree the boundaries for this new structure.

It all sounds a bit prescriptive maybe, but basically I get the feeling that for polamory to work there has to be openness, trust and an equal say in how things work.

You forgot to mention the sex change operation in between?

PPP (who used to think that soap operas were unrealistic)

We have gay marriages on this side of the pond, Peewee. You should look in to it sometime.

OK. My mistake. We call them "civil partnerships".

PPP (I thought Peewee was PEP)

*brains explodes*

I would have to agree with this idea. I am a RL relationship and I have been in SL as a 'single' avatar since Jan 07. I have made very close friends and among those a couple men expressed a greater interest in 'me'. Never once did I dessire any more then a freindship in SL......early on I experimented with the intimate animations, merely for entertainment. It never meant anything to me....it was just good for a laugh. The 'friendships' however, all mean a lot to me. I take those for what they are. My RL boyfriend has never expressed an interest in SL...in fact he quite detests it, only because he worries it takes me away from reality too much.

More importantly.....IRL our relationship is over long distance much of the time. Because of his job he is away months at a stretch. Sometimes over seas. We have navigated this for 4 years and tho it's been difficult, our focus has always been on 'us'.

Recently......and I share this only because perhaps it will help demonsrate a certain reality about relationships........on his last job over this summer, we were in a difficult time. It had to do with my lack of employment.....the job market in the south sucks. He was becoming progressively more nervous about our ability to be a 'team' and maintain our lifestyle. He strayed.....and at the same time I landed an amazing job and got back into my groove. I figured out what was going on and I kept my mouth shut. I was way too busy and way too happy in my job to allow the hurt to destroy something good. When he came home (I was very worried he would not....and as it turns out he quit the job so he could come home to me....he knew he'd screwed up)....I confronted him. My summer was hell. (this is partly why I exited SL for a bit)

The lesson we both learned....more so him then me....is that what WE have is worth fighting for.....and the grass is so NOT greener on the other side. He is pretty much a total wreck over what he did to me. He lost faith in me....and that was a huge mistake.

But, my point is......I don't believe SL can make up for what is lacking IRL. I was loyal to him....always have been, always will be....because I am sure of what's in my heart. For him....it took a serious betrayal to realize what was truly in his heart. If what we have IRL is so important to us....then we need to do all we can to cultivate and nurture it.......If for some reason, it is not satisfying a need.....then it's time to ask the tough questions and do some soul searching. This really can't be accomplished in SL if we choose to distract ourselved by chasing shiny obects (ie: other possible romances) It's counter-productive, and it may well do long term damage.

If your wife is game to try and renew a spark via SL....then I think that's fantastic.....if not.....perhaps it's time to turn off the PC and figure out where that spark went, and if it is possible to get it back. Do you want it back? That's the million dollar question....if you can answer that honestly....then the next steps will be obvious to you both.

Something that occurred to me as a dating idea if you are not quite sure about the regular date type thing. There are a few Lifestyle groups in SL -- maybe hook up with another couple for a group date and go from there. That could at least work as an opener for getting you and your wife into the same social scenes in SL, which could then lead to more SL activities between you two.

They're marriages like any other.

There is no use arguing with whackjobs.

Seriously, I agree. I don't think SL is equipped to save or enhance a real marriage at a point like this. Why not leave sl for a while, turn off all extraneous "interference" and sit down and talk? I mean TALK. If I had done that a few years ago with someone I loved I would have been much better off. Sex - yes, I know! It's Jig saying this! - is not the "be all and end all" of a partnership. It's just a part of the whole. Talk with your real partner as a real person and see what you can work out.

The idea of a "date" with a partner of ten years sounds romantically viable but its pure Hollywood. You can't erase the past and pretend your both "new again".

Good luck. Take care of each other.

I think that if you use SL to show each other sides of yourself that you've rarely, or perhaps never, actually shown before, then SL can be a great gateway to bringing new things into your RL. Anything new, doesn't have to be mind-blowingly personal or sexual.

For example, build/find and show each other your dream houses. Or make your avatar into the person you each privately think is the other person's ideal. Or become the smooth dancer your partner always craved, cultivating a line of patter that goes with that persona.

I think double-dating with another partner in SL could turn out badly, depending on how open and honest your communication with each other actually is. However, asking your wife out on a date where you show her a new face of yourself - that could be a win.