The newest thing I heard, its not good...

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.

I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code

I would love to change the world, but they don't make diapers that big.

Brawndo has what plants crave. It has electrolytes.

Have you seen my Dad?

In the days to come, when human beings navigate the great depths of space they'll eventually come to a small planet in a distant galaxy. It's a pleasant place, but quite unlike Earth. There's one unusual similarity however — shamrocks grow there in great profusion.

What? Me Worry?

What were you worried about this time last year?

It's about time,
It's about space,
About strange people in the strangest place.
It's about time,
It's about flight,
Travelin' faster than the speed of light.

I am a robot that wants to live in your underpants.

Intriguing, but eewwww.... at the same time.

He's got your moms eyes and my dads nose. I knew we were smart to save those parts.

It's worse than that, he's dead Jim, dead Jim, dead.

This is basically a guy, and there's 3 humans here, basically trying to make a warning, you know, saying "I killed 3 humans, watch out for me".

I saw a sign on the freeway "Next exit food and gas." I got off the freeway and saw a Taco Bell.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

I can understand you getting in a crap game and losing $700 you didn't have, but how'd you lose your pants?

I thought that was your voice
I thought that was my car
Now we ain't ever met before
But I know who you are
You're living in my house
And I'm living in a tent
And don't laugh, this second job of mine
Is paying both our rents
You're out here buying Happy Meals
And I'm eating rice and pintos
You so much as crack a smile at me, man
I'll come through this here window

Show me the MONEY!

"The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill."
Peter Ustinov.

I always feel like, somebody's watching me.

I Tremble For Our Children
School | Niagara Falls, NY, USA

(A teacher calls me to her classroom. She is trying to project an image on a screen behind a student for a TV camera shot with the projector at eye level in front of the student.)
Teacher: “There is a shadow behind the student now. How can I get rid of that?”
Me: “You can’t. He is blocking the light from the projector from getting to the screen. You could put the projector behind the student, but the image would be smaller on the screen.”

Teacher: “Then what can we do?”
(I get the idea of holding a piece of paper over part of the lens of the projector to create a square area where the student stands where no light would shine. This gives the shadow a bit neater of a shape rather than a human shape.)
Me: “Here, hold this paper over the left side of the lens where the student is standing.”
(The teacher puts a piece of paper RIGHT IN FRONT of the students face.)
Me: “No, right by the lens so a square unlit area will be where the student is standing.”
(The teacher moves the piece of paper and puts it directly BEHIND the students head.)

Me: “No, here…”
(I put the piece of paper in front of the projector lens, leaving a nice square dark area on the screen where the student would stand.)

Teacher: “Well now there is a square there! There is no image directly behind the student, just around the student!”

Me: “Yeah, I know. There is nothing you can do about that, though. It’s the physics of light.”

Teacher: “What if I ask your boss? Think he could do it?”

Me: “No, he cannot bend light around objects.”

Teacher: “Why not?”

Me: “Because he’s not a black hole.”

Ten thousand years in Persepolis!

I like big fat men like you. When they fall they make more noise. And sometimes they don't get up.

"That's no revolving door, that's my mother!"

"Your mother? What's her name?"

"Sam."

"Sam? That's funny, that's my name!"

"Mother!"

"Son!"