Can I be a Gay Man?

Jig, I think it is important not to confuse sexual orientation with cultural affiliation. Historically, there have been "gay" cultures since at least the 18th century (when, in England, they were known as "Mollies", but those cultures have always been "gay" in the sense that their membership was restricted to homosexuals, rather than that all homosexual men belonged to them. Suggesting that all gay men behave in one particular way is like saying that all hetero men are like Howard Stern and his ilk. The same is true of lesbians (with whom I have much more experience, in truth): the "butch dyke" and the "woman with sensible shoes" certainly exist, but only constitute a portion of those women whose sexual orientation is lesbian.

Your interest in this is worthwhile, though, once you get beyond the stereotypes. After Lesbian Paradise appeared on the SL Showcase page, I checked out some nonsexual lesbian hangouts. Fascinating (and welcoming) places, full of interesting and -- most importantly -- diverse people. If you are interested, I'd be happy to visit one of those with you.

If you're curious about what is like to be a gay man, talk to many of them before trying to roleplay one. If you try to do it without any context, you are not going to learn much. You want to talk to more than just a few- remember that one gay man is not the spokesman or representative for all gay men.

If experiencing life from the perspective of a gay man is going to give you deeper understanding and empathy for gay men generally, I encourage you to do it. That is a worthwhile experiment.

Oh.....that only happens in RL *laughs*

I think wandering about SL as the opposite gender is a great idea, definitely gives one insight into the SL experience of......the opposite gender.

It may also allow certain hidden aspects of your RL personna to express themselves.

From my experiences here, I'd say that RL women with an SL male avie are much more rare than RL men inhabiting an SL female avie.

When I first joined SL, pre-Sebastian, I had a female avie who was intimate with both sexes. I'm not sure I gained any insights about THEM, but, I believe ultimately, it made me a better SL man....................

Frankly Jig, I think if you truly and sincerely want to "know" your friend before he passes, I suspect your time might be better served by actually spending time with him rather than in these in threads.

this ^

um yes..Im open about Sl..to friends and family..and I have nothing against curiousity...but this just just sounded wrong somehow..."straight plonkers?" whats that all about?
Given Jigs supposed intelligence..I would have really thought that she could have phrased this question much better than she did-it just smelt of "stirring the pot because im bored" to me.

If I had a "gay friend" who was dying..I certainly could think of better ways to connect with him than posting this sort of thing in a sl forum.

Being gay is something that they, are not something that they do. One of my best friends of 20 years is gay. He told me that he would never wish it on anyone, it wasn't his choice to live this way. He is one of my most precious friends and I have slept in his arms for weeks at a time. Yes, no thought of sex as gorgeous as he is. We even discussed marriage at one time because of our deep love for each other. It was a peaceful thought, not a sexual one. One of the most safe and comfortable places that I have ever been was sleepin in his arms. Love him for who he is, don't try to figure him out. He would never to try and figure you out, he merely accepts you as you are with love in his heart. That is the joy of being a friend, straight, bi or gay.

That.........

I too don't talk much about SL, in RL; in my case, I've found that people who aren't involved in Sl really just aren't interested, they just don't get it. So to avoid them getting that glazed look in their eye, I just don't talk much about it. I'm not ashamed of it or anything, just sense the lack of interest in others.

The answer is yes.

No matter how you acted, there would be a gay man somewhere in this world who would have acted in a similar fashion.

So really, you can just be yourself. Isn't that comforting to know?

Maybe you could ask that man of yours to help you out then. ... shakes head

I think this is really interesting, actually. Jiggy strikes me as the "augmentationist" par excellence: I think she really IS "who she is" in-world.

Now, she's interested in using SL rather differently, as a means of exploring and experimenting with identity. Whatever her motives for doing so, I think this is a worthwhile idea. But I suspect that you are right: even the most dedicated "immersionist" is still really expressing parts of her or his own personality that may not normally receive direct articulation.

So, yes, Jiggy. Be yourself. But male. And gay. And learn and develop as you meet with others and discover more.

I don't think that it's ever a bad thing to "walk in someone else's shoes" for a while. We can only benefit by learning to be more understanding and empathetic.

"I don't think that it's ever a bad thing to "walk in someone else's shoes" for a while. We can only benefit by learning to be more understanding and empathetic."
but just how well can you walk in them in here ?
and what about the other ppl who will be involved ?

Well, there's clearly a limit to what you can learn by doing so. Jig can't learn what it is to "be" a gay man: she lacks the RL experience, and the psychological and social baggage that goes along with possessing that identity in RL. But she can learn how gay men are responded to in SL by others. And she can also get an inside view of some of the manifestations of diverse gay "cultures" here, that will, to some extent, reflect RL ones. And I see those as potentially pretty valuable.

I agree entirely that great care has to be taken of the others who may be involved. But I think that's always true, to some extent. And I think most people in SL are sufficiently clued-in to how the app works to know that appearances here frequently don't correspond to realities in RL. That's just a fact of life in SL, and one of the sources of its power.

gonna have to agree with much of what Scylla said... the obvious stereotype are just down to local culture and experience, and that's just because they are visibly different from what you're used to... but fret not, because you can still immerse yourself in that culture in SL.

the only real difference between queer and straight romance is social experience maybe a little less reliance on gendered expectation of behavior.

Jig, you are not even very credible as yourself . . .

Pep ( . . . why do you think you would be any more convincing as a gay man?)

I think most all of the advice given so far has been spot on.
Consider this too, Jig. There’s a good chance that any gay man you hook up with in SL is in fact a real life woman who is just as curious as you.
I put a lesbian group in the profile of my female alts in hopes of keeping the guys at bay. I don’t even attempt to act like a lesbian, though she has had “encounters” with other women avatars. Can I now say I know what its like to be a lesbian? I think not.
I have an African American alt as well. Does my time on SL as an African American avatar give me any sort of insight beyond my skinny white ass world of the realities any black man faces? Hardly. I do these things because I can and for simple and selfish reasons. Not at all to somehow claim a better understanding of something I am not.
My rule is I only attempt deception to the masses and not individuals. Past experience has taught me its best to come clean as soon as I sense someone is taken by me, the one behind the keyboard, and not the character or a persona I portray. And I steer clear of anyone making advances that might end up putting either one of us in an “uncomfortable” situation.

The experience is, of course, going to be limited - but that is true of just about anything we do. Our knowledge and experience is always partial, but there is no point in invalidating all experience because of that. Just a little experience can be enough to make you stop and think.

IMO one of the very best things about SL is that it does allow you have a little experience of what it is like to be other than you are in RL. If you are male, experience a little of what it is like to be female, if black, experience a little of being white, and vice versa, etc., etc.

"A little" is probably the significant thing here - because if the experience grows into "a lot" then the effect on other individuals starts to become significant. If there is the likelihood of real repercussions, then you should come clean.

I think you would learn more if you sit down in RL and talk to those who are gay and listen to what they have to go through each day. If you cant in RL then talk to ppl in here who are gay and lesbian and learn who things are for them.
Jig I think you will find its not all about sex which is what i get from your post is what you are more interested in. Talking to the gay community will teach you so much more about what its like

But anyway, why not just be a lesbian .....?