Relationship called Quits

So the end of my SL relationship happened twice.
The first I stopped, I realized that I couldn't handle the responsibilities of making the other one happy. If that makes any sense. What do I do, what I never do even in my real life. I went back to him. We did have after all that something ppl wish for, but lets start over....do it again dont get to hung up. pfft.
Needless to say it was all in vain. It turned into a ploy to fulfill his need to hurt me back.
So another end to a 9mo relationship in SL. Whats new.
Well I guess my question is how can I avoid this again?
I did not want it in the first place.
ty guys the last one helped me realize alot

Year after year (sorry had to put in the next line)

Just like life, sometimes it's better to not get involved for a while, give yourself a break. You can never prevent people from changing, it happens. I might be a bit jaded but I've been around a while (rl not sl lol) and quite frankly, it's fairly easy for me to wave goodbye anymore. Even if I care a lot, if they go, then they go, life goes on and so do I.

Uh... Find a hobby? (O.o)

I hear about things like this a lot in SL. It may be tough to avoid, there is always another charmer...but just set limits/boundaries for yourself and stick to them.

Only one who can stop it happening again really is you. If a guy flirts don't flirt back. Etc.

. . . what to do with myself! (Finishing the OP's status quote)

Narcissm works for me. Make an alt and partner it. Take yourself out for dates. Quarrel with yourself. Make up again. Everyone says that the brain is the biggest sex organ so convince yourself that you are someone else as well. That way you can trust yourself not to be telling lies.

Pep (Or is that maybe what you are already doing?)

If what most people do is any indication you are supposed to call things off after 4 weeks have elapsed.

This would be exactly 1 week after the wedding.


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SL dating: a series of One-night-stands that last a month.

youre not responsible for *making* anyone happy...happiness comes from you or the other person...no one in a relationship should burden themselves thinking they are responsible for the others happiness imho. If im not happy i look at why that is and resolve it..so does my partner..

Id second the "take a break" idea also..and get a new interest like building or whatever.

Hmm, turn Robot, Furry, Trekkie or Gorean perhaps?
Seriously a magnetic personality is hard to hide, but an avatar makeover could work, who hits on someone who looks like a green alien? Hmm perhaps that was a bad question, but you get the drift maybe if you looked like a cute cartoon character.

This is your problem right here.

A relationship is NOT about one person being responsible for another person's happiness. In a good relationship, you are both already happy people, fulfilled in your own lives, and for a really good love-type relationship you should both already have a good love for yourself going on. That way you have real love and real happiness to share with another person.

Any relationship where one person depends solely on the other for happiness, or in which one person feels it is their responsiblity to "make" the other person happy, is doomed.

To stop having crappy relationships with others, start by trying to have a better relationship with yourself.

I think that paraphrases what I already said . . .

Pep (Well, maybe not in so many words)

When people spend time together, bonds form. It's inevitable. The only sure fire way to avoid it is to avoid people.

It sounds like you need a break for a while. Why not dive into content creation? Take a few classes, maybe try to create a whole themed clothing line, or furniture set, or heck, a themed build? That's a great way to stay in sl, but not talk to people for a while.

But also, look at what *you* want from a relationship. Because it's a two way street. If you view it as being responsible for your partner's happiness, you are doomed to failure.

Take some time to learn to know and love yourself. Then, when you get back on that horse, you can find someone who complements who you really are, and not beat yourself up trying to be who they want you to be.

Nods from Sassy after a SLife implosion this weekend

First off, I am sorry you are hurting. This, too, will pass, but it stinks until it does! As countless people have said in so many ways, it's a real person on the other side of the monitor, and real hearts and minds do get involved sometimes.

How to avoid this from happening again? The only way is to distance yourself from others, but I have a feeling that may not be what you want to do.

For now, I'd take it easy, spend time with your RL and SL friends, visit places in SL that you've always been meaning to see, make goofy stuff, take classes. I think it's quite likely that along the way you'll meet someone (or more than one!!) who makes you smile, laugh, and brighten your day. Take your time! SL's not going anywhere (unless someone knows something I don't ).

1 user rolled on the floor and howled

/327/e7/272800/1.html

That thread is about RL vs. SL relationships but it has some posts that apply just to SL/online issues with human emotion, etc.

Also, this story was on Yahoo yesterday. I went to the Cosmo site because it's a shorter link.

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/dating/guys-dump-girls?click=main_sr

It's about sudden breakups, and might apply to some people's SL er, affairs as well. For instance, sometimes a person is *too* into you so they break it off. That might help some people, to read that.

I totally agree with that. There are people who rely on others for their own happiness, and it's so very wrong. People are not up to it. I had an RL wife like that, and very recently a girl told me that I she relies on me for he well-being, which caused alarm bells to ring in my head - time to back off, etc. It's flattering in a way, but it's a very bad thing.

I think I felt that responsibility myself. I did not rely on the other just what if I did this or that and it hurt them...what if they expected this and I did not feel like going there. I would anyway. But yes I have been doing my own thing a little more and more every time I logged in. It caused me to drift. That's ok. I will just fill my time with exploring and practicing like I have before.
Thank you

It's certainly possible to impact someone's happiness or unhappiness heavily, whether or not one is 'responsible' for it is a matter open to debate I suppose.

When I hear people disavow themselves of ANY responsibility for someone else's emotions, it seems to me an unfortunate example of the 'me first' attitude prevalent in modern society. I guess it all depends upon what one means by 'responsible for'.

For instance, if person A treats person B with callous disregard and/or misleads them, directly leading to at least a period of unhappiness in person B's life, then I'd say person A was at least somewhat responsible for that. We're all, past the age of reason anyway, responsible to some extent to one another, if not FOR one another per se.

Yes, we are all responsible for others up to a point. But there are some people who totally rely on another person for their happiness. Before I married my ex-wife (RL) I saw a TV programme about it. It was the first I'd heard of such a thing, but I recognised it all in my fiancee. About a week ago a girl told me that she relies on me for her well-being and I know that, just like almost everyone else, I am not up to that level of responsibility. I didn't explain anything about it to her - I quietly took it in and decided to slowly back away. I don't actually know if she meant it the way I understood it, but it certainly sounded alarm bells.

This is a bit different to what the OP was talking about, but it's something I've experienced in the past, and it might be worth saying.

I agree, no one should lean that heavily upon another person, to the point their happiness totally depends upon what that person says/does. It isn't healthy for either and is obviously unequal and uneven.

It's kind of too bad you didn't talk to her about it, but you must've sensed it wouldn't have done any good/gotten through to her. It's possible she hasn't understood the very real risk to HER happiness in so doing. Some people are used to giving others 'all their power' usually because of childhood experiences, a dominating parent or abusive parent for example. If they don't examine the trend it's going to repeat. It could repeat even IF they examine the trend actually...long term ways of living/being are pretty hard to break.

It may take that person years to realise that no other person has the magic formula they themselves do not have. Heck, people have a hard enough time making themselves happy let alone someone else too. In short I agree with you, but I think the other extreme of 'it's your problem' can be damaging to both parties as well.

I disagree that it is all destined to fail after some tiny bit of time.

Sometimes it does- other times it goes on- I have a friend who has been partnered to the same girl for about four years. I had one relationship end after about three or four months. And now, more than a year later, I am still happy and coming up on an anniversary next month. Also am very happy in another relationship that I hope will last and last and certainly feels as if it will.

You don't see things coming- sometimes out of the blue things fall apart. That happens here too. In SL we live on fast forward- so things that in RL may transpire over a greater span of time seem to happen so quickly here they take us by surprise.

Your only recourse is to pick your self up, and go on about ur life. Happiest things happen by chance. If you set out to look for love you hardly ever find it. And there is always something new waiting to be discovered- go out and let it find you-

thank the gods Im a child av in SL and dont have to concern myself with any of the drama involved in a relationship in SL

I would have done, but it would be easy for her to say she didn't mean it that way, which may or may not be true - I wouldn't know for sure either way. I did talk with my RL fiancee about it, and she gave assurances etc., but it was her nature to be so reliant, and people can't change their natures very easily, especially when they think that it's fine as it is. I've been through it once, and it was awful, so when someone tells me that they rely on me for their well-being, it's a clear signal for me to back away.

Maintaining A RL relationship is hard enough it is even harder in an online one, especially one in SL where there is such a huge fantasy element. I stay clear of those situations. SL is just lightherated fun.

A fortune cookie I had on Saturday night said "Don't rely on others to make you happy. You can do that yourself."

On Saturday night I had a fortune cookie that said "Don't rely on others to make you UNhappy. You can do that yourself."

Pep (Much more likely)