Can SL make one more emotionally vulnerable?

Do you think that spending a lot of time in SL can make a person more emotionally vulnerable?

I've been a bit reluctant to ask... because maybe this would be better as a blog post than a forum question, but here goes...

As an example of what I'm talking about, last Saturday I was invited to a party at a club... 90% of the people there either friends or acquaintances...

The party starts, but RL interferes. For various reasons I can't get to my computer... but that's okay, it's fine to be fashionably late... and I expect the party to run pretty far into the night.

Next, I log in, put on the outfit that I bought specially for the event, along with new hair. I spent the better part of a day putting the look together. Now I'm ready to go, and wham! someone comes looking for me inworld, and (long story short) I had to help her with something.

An hour later, I'm FINALLY off to the party.

Honestly, I would have had to be a heartless asshole to not help the girl.

But the upshot was... I missed the whole damn party. There was no one there, except two couples who were... you know... being couples.

In real life I am in my fifties, happily married, well adjusted, but suddenly emotionally I am back in high school, feeling the same way I did when no one asked me to dance.

Disappointed, I went looking for PEOPLE. I went to clubs I know. Empty. All empty, on a Saturday night.

I was up until four in the morning, trying to get rid of the bad feeling.

The point is, what the f**k was I doing? Didn't I outgrow this, decades ago?

I'm not looking to hook up inworld. I'm already hooked up. So what is the problem?

Even today, two days later, it still rankles a little, and I think... what's wrong with you, woman?

I realize that for many in SL it's just pixels on a screen, and they would say "it's just a game." That's fine for you... if you want to live on a pokemon level, god bless you. Maybe I'm overly sentimental, but I *feel* things, and that isn't going to change.

Maybe I just need to grow up all over again inside SL, the way I did in RL?

I don't have time for a long response, so I am just going to say that I empathise with you 100%, but I don't think SL makes you more emotional, merely releases pent-up emotions that have been suppressed by the rl commitments you have made to others and the responsibilities you have undertaken in rl. Which is probably why you were so annoyed when your personal enjoyment was compromised by similar "duties" to those you are attempting to escape from.

Pep (I have more to say, but wanted to reassure you that you weren't alone!)

Thanks.

While talking to a friend about it this morning, I wondered whether it might be also because so much HAPPENS in SL as opposed to RL. There are so many more people, more activities, etc., so it can get much more intense.

And YES, I was very irritated at having to do all that... it was too much like RL.

/me gives PEP a round of applause for quoting in full the long opening post immediately preceding his.

I always do that as a default when I am being serious, in case there are a slew of other less relevant responses posted while I am composing mine.

Pep (and then I can go back and delete it if necessary)

Missing parties, looking for something to do, wandering around looking for people, etc. yes. Doesn't help when I log into somewhere like here and I see people having fun. heh.

I'm like that all the time lately. I think the forum people are tired of me whimpering in group chat. heh. I know I am.

I've often harped on the roles people play at different times: father, mother, son, daughter, co-worker, boss, parishioner, ....

Polite society places quite a few constraints on how we behave, how we dress, how we interact with those around us in certain situations. Living a "mature, responsible" life demands that we conform to preconceived notions of these roles, and who we are is an amalgam of the roles we play.

SL holds the allure it does because we can come here with a clean slate, and embrace the parts of us that we cannot in our day to day lives. It is a great place for those "young at heart".

So I wouldn't say more emotionally vulnerable. But more emotionally in tune with ourselves, without the distractions of RL social pressures.

You were looking forward to the party. And missed it. But you don't have to put on a "public face" about it, smile, and brush it off as bad luck. You can have the luxury of being disappointed, and of letting that disappointment run it's course on it's own. I don't think it is juvenile at all.

Juvenile would be turning that disappointment around, and taking it out on those who made you late.

You're not alone at feeling alone. I've put myself through a bit of hell these past two weeks over friends in SL and I'm still trying to find a way to get out of my rut. (T_T)

Oh I know.... I keep saying, "Sorry for being such a baby."

Nope. I've done the same thing. Sometimes I end up feeling the wallflower and "Nobody loves me, everyone hates me, I should go eat worms!" It's a sucky feeling but then I tell myself "thank goodness I'm not at a REAL bar!"

I'm with you.

God help me, I agree with Pep.

Not directed at your story Key, I also think that we open ourselves up more in SL than we do in RL, where most of us keep ourselves guarded. You'd almost think that the inherent anonymity of SL would make us more wary of others, but I think it empowers us to take chances with the false believe that the consequences (to ourselves and others) is muted. So we allow ourselves to do things and feel things more easily than in RL, and when (I mean if!) it backfires, we don't have the experience to deal with it well.

Maybe it’s just the winter doldrums.
Lately I’ve been too sensitive of others perception of me in SL when in fact people know very little of the real me, just my in world persona. There are some common traits between DK and the real me, managing confrontation, avoiding drama and staying above the fray is something I do quite well in real life but fail at miserably here in SL.
Odd how I have friends in SL who show little patience for me when I’m out helping others even though it was usually my helping them that brought us close in the first place.
Anyway, the sun is climbing higher in the sky each day and spring will soon be upon us and then maybe we can shake this pensiveness.

there is nothing wrong with it at all..
it's as normal as looking forward to anything and it not happening..it leaves us a little empty looking to fill the the void..
like looking forward to the end of the week and going shopping and buying that certain something..when you get there it's gone
it's very normal in rl and in here and anywhere..

Clubs need to start getting some damn people in them instead of bots so we have a place to fill these damn voids hehehehehehe

I'm going to disagree here. These emotions aren't "pent-up" and it has nothing to do with rl commitments.

This has to do with the vast and endless capacity for emotion, love and compassion that people possess. Given the right circumstances we are able to share this connection regardless of the number of previous "commitments".

For instance, your love for your parents does not diminish because the love of your siblings, which does not diminish because of your love for your friends, which does not diminish because of the love for your pets... and on and on.

Second Life succeeds in creating an environment where these same emotional connections can flourish. We as users, with a boundless capacity to love and connect, find investing our emotions in avatars as compelling and real as friends, pets, children, grandchildren, etc.

Nothing wrong with that at all.

Worms are nutritious! Go down to Extrovirtual and get one of Wynx's hedgehog avatars, and nobody will be at all upset about you being a spiny ball and eating worms. Or get an emergency waffle from the Tiny Hospital and Spa.

Think about it more. If ther same thing happened in RL, wouldn't you feel the same? I think you would, so it isn't SL that's making your more emotional - you already are that emotional, but you usually don't come across that sort of thing to bring it to the surface. It's not a fault, btw - I'm sure it's pretty much the same with many, perhaps most, people.

Look at it another way. You were looking forward to something pleasurable and you even spent a lot of time preapring for it, but through different circumstances, you missed it. Who wouldn't feel a bit upset about that?

LOL Argent.

But seriously. A one-month-old newbie friend of mine recently invited me to go out dancing to some totally hip formal jazz club, saying that I needed to get out more. So I got all dressed up, not too fancy, just nice, you know, nice. I swear to God, I stood there for a good 15 minutes making small talk with the other wallflowers until some guy asked me to dance. His first words were, "I know I'm just a newbie and you're an oldbie, but would you dance with me?"

Since when did *I* become an oldbie? I wanted to melt into the floor. Oldbies are, like, Briana and Isablan and Mac... WTF? It makes a girl not want to go out at all.

[ETA: Yeah I know I could have asked a guy to dance but I wanted to see what happened.]

Actually, I'm only half kidding there. Getting a Tiny avatar and parachuting into any clump of green dots you see near Raglan Shire is a great way to get rid of the blues.

Tinies are crazy, even by ferret standards, but totally friendly.

A lot of the people I know who end up playing kids can end up feeling more than a little emotionally vulnerable, in much the same way as you describe. Yer definitely not alone in any of this!

Do you have kids in rl, Alvaro?

Pep (Just taking a guess here)

wow glad to know I'm not the only one this happens too /blush

I'm a free spirit in SL so I don't get into relationships, just friends and acquaintances.
But I am emotionally involved in Second Life as a whole, I think.

I have a happy, balanced Second Life and real life, but there is the danger of the balance between the two shifting. Sometimes if I get very involved in SL - building, clubbing, whatever, I find my interest in RL diminishes. I feel I want to go out or socialise less in RL.

Ideally I would like to limit myself to a couple of hours each evening except if I'm doing something creative and potentially saleable. However I can't always get on the best computer so I have to log in when I can or put up with low frame rate and poor graphics on Old Laggy!

SL is addictive, no doubt about that.

Oh, Key...you are not alone in this! Being disappointed about missing out on a social event, one you looked forward to with great excitement and anticipation, regardless of its "location", is perfectly natural!

I cherish the friends I've made in SL...as you know, folks hail from around the globe, and that's a marvel to me.

When I've made plans to meet up with folks inworld to talk, explore or enjoy some common interests...and something crops up to change those plans, I am disappointed, just as I would be in RL if I'd made similar plans to meet up with a friend, and something interfered with those plans.

Time is a precious commodity. It seems that most SL residents I've met have full lives, in and out of SL...and it's often quite a juggling act to squeeze everything in. So when you've got everything scheduled just perfectly...and then a wrench gets thrown into the mix...argh!!! It is frustrating.

However...one interesting difference. In RL, if plans change and I cannot meet up with someone, sometimes that opportunity will not present itself again for some time (example: a friend is in town on business, and we plan to meet for drinks/dinner...and then something happens and one of us has to cancel...and we miss seeing each other)....whereas in SL...I know that, all things held equal, I may have missed an SL event...but I know there's a good chance I'll "see" the person or persons in the very near future.

So...although I've been very disappointed when my SL plans veer off course, I've been cheered by the knowledge that tomorrow is another day for exploration and discovery.

Socializing on the net is sketchy, I would try building and creating things. Far more satisfying.