Public Contrition (or, consequences of gender online)

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Cheers, Ananda, to truth--
Don't think it will require a liberal to say that what you are in SL is not representative of who you are in FL. Everyone knows that. It shouldn't even be up for debate. If it gives you comfort to make your FL self known in SL, then that's cool. But I don't think your "dishonesty" is any different from anyone elses in SL; that is, everyone is "playing the game" as a different person in FL. To deny that one's inhibitions in this game are less strong than the ones in FL is rediculous and would be a lie. Expression, here, is welcomed and revered. But, again, I don't think FL needs explaining. SL community is different from FL community.
Daemioth

Uhm, so exactly what is the problem?

Ohh Ananda, I ddin't think what you said was mean, I was just worried that someone would take it up as fact because they read it, and if you read it, it must be true!

I know we never spoke much, just Hi at events , but I always thought you were a real sweetie. And I want you to know, I personally don't care. I never read profiles anyway. I see you and you're female. If that's what you want, that's all I care about.

You worry too much.

When I'm driving, I don't think of the other cars as vehicles being controlled by people (not in general, at least). You see, how a car behaves and moves doesn't have any relationship with how people behave and move. They are almost a different animal, if you want to anthropomorphize, but you don't have to. Anyone that drives knows how cars act, and will expect a fancy sports car to go faster, a huge semi to turn wider. And all this has little to do with who's behind the wheel.

I think of the online world in much the same way, Second Life in particular. The appearance of an avatar may have no relationship with what the person at the keyboard controlling it looks like. But there probably will be a relationship between how an avatar looks, and how it behaves. And this is more true in SL than anywhere else, because the look of an avatar here IS behavior. Someone pushed buttons and made it. Appearance here is a deliberate act with no solid ties to real life. And that, in my opinion, is as it should be.

If people here can look like ANYTHING, ya just can't make assumptions about the animated meat doing the typing. (No offense intended to any machine intelligences reading this.)

I'll like you as you are, as you appear, and as you seem to be. What more need be said?

A beautifully written and honest post Ananda. We have barely met, but I respect your honesty.


...

Jai Nomad

As far as I'm concerned, and it seems like most people feel the same way from what I've seen so far, it matters not a jot whether your avatar reflects your real life gender. I've used about a dozen avatars since I started, and sometimes several a day. Some are male, some are female. (Some are cows. Some are penguins. Some are UFOs. Some are mech warriors.). This week I have been mostly female, because my current look pleases me. Next week, I might move back to male.

I'm never even curious as to a residents real life gender anyway. If I look at a profile, and I often do, it's only usually the SL bit to see if we have common interests; to find out a little about that person to perhaps strike up a relavent and interesting conversation. And most people don't say anything on the RL part of their profile anyway! If I look at that at all, its more often than not out of curiosity as to their location.

As long as I'm in SL, it's your avatar I'm talking to. It's your avatar I'm referring to. If I refer to you as a 'she', it's because your Av is female. And I presume the same of others when they talk to me. I don't expect everyone I meet to correct me if I refer to them in the wrong gender, and I don't do the same back. It would be tedious, wouldn't it?

I think, though, that for this very reason that any attempts at romance in SL may be a little misguided unless you do actually know something about the person in RL, always assuming it does actually bother you.

Saying that, I would have no objection, as an Avatar, in 'courting' someone I had affection for in the game no matter whether they are the same gender as me or not in RL. If my Av and your Av get on great - who cares!?

The only time it becomes an issue is if you deliberately mislead someone by either reciprocating obvious advances that go beyond the SL world, or by saying you are one thing when you are not.

And the reason I think that most people feel the same way is simply because not one person has ever asked me my RL gender in SL. Therefore I conclude that it's irrelavent.

But please, Ananda... don't feel guilty because you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I have a confession to make. In real life, I am also a guy
Things like what Ananda said are one of the reasons why I am a completely open person. I dont think any of my petty little details can be used against me. So what if I'm a fat 23 year old portuguese geek. It's the truth, and there's nothing I can do about it. I usually say, and let me try not to bork the translation here, if what is merely the truth embarasses you, then you should be working on making that not true anymore instead of hiding it.
Meaning, for instance, that if you are embarassed to be an alcoholic and have to hide your booze from your husband/wife/whatever, you should be working on dropping the habit instead of hiding the booze.

Hi Ananda,
I don't think you need to worry so much about what people think about your gender. People tend to forget that your AV online is not necessarily a true representation of your actual physical self.

Even my Fairy Troll Princess, which is the closet to me, is off because I don't have pointy ears, green skin, and huge eyes (though I am overweight!). I generally use her to create some humor because sometimes everyone on SL seems too perfect (myself included).

My regular AV's tend to be very buxom, thin, with different colored hair and skin (blue, purple, very very pale). While I am female in RL, it has been a problem once with someone (a newbie) hitting on me in game - wanted a RL pic, making pointed references to my characters breasts and figure, telling me the really wanted to meet me. While all that is nice, they clearly did not get the concept that though it's a representation of me, its not really me. I was nice and declined their advances, but I can see where it might get ugly.

I think its important to be honest, but this is a game and there is a certain amount of anonymity with playing SL which really appeals to me. No one says when I'm purple with blue hair that I'm lying about my RL self because they know its just a game AV.

hmm, I think I lost myself in there somewhere, so if you see a big purple alien AV send it my way.

Just put a picture of a household appliance as your FL picture, and people will just think you're too weird to bother with...

But seriously, I don't care what anyone is really. Kris summed it up very nicely the way I feel:



Sort of.. didn't ask, won't tell.

You know what, Ananda...?

Girl, guy, gender-crossing or no - doesn't matter to me as far as SL goes...

SL is all about personality, talent, honesty and class... when you have those - and you do - you're going to be OK...

Thanks for sharing this part of yourself with us...

=Sinclair

Ana,

I did the exact same thing on TSO. I'm pretty sure I posted the story before so I wont again, but I feel what you're saying. Bravo for having the courage to step up.

MJ

Thanks for your post Ananda



To my mind there are two distinct types of guys-playing-girls. The first is honest role-playing and personality exploration and social-convention-shedding and is good. The second is where a 14 year old flirts with some guy for 15 minutes then says "H4H$4 SUXXOR, I HAVE A D1CK, U W4NT3D 2 KISS A D00D, U R TEH GAY!!1!"

Now, of course, nothing is really this cut and dried, but I honestly can't see, after reading what you wrote, how anyone could be mad at you.

Ananda,

You are a smart, sexy, creative person (no matter how the avatar looks, I firmly believe that sexiness comes from the mind). I've always respected and admired you. Your decision to share this part of your experience with us, has only increased that respect and admiration.

Bel

Thanks for bringing this up, Ana. This obviously took a good amount of soul-searching for you to post, and I applaud you for it. Even if I'm with Wednesday in wondering why people would be mad at you for what you wrote.

Personally, I will say that I'm in the camp of people who don't bother relating SL to FL much if at all -- what's more important is who you are, not what you are, if that makes any sense. If you're a cat with opposable thumbs in FL (hi Fleabite! ), that's fine as long as you're good people.

Some people pick a signature gender and/or look; some people don't -- whatever floats your boat in the virtual world that we live in. I change AV gender and appearance based on what the occasion and my mood are at the time, and refer to other SL'ers using the gender of the AV that I'm most used to seeing them in.

Thats a great analogy. Wish I had thought of that one!

I guess as drivers of cars we also have to be aware of the fact that we can easily do things behind the wheel that would be impossible on foot.

For the Internet as a whole a set of conventions, or "rules of the road" for dealing with each other has evolved known as "netiquette" (I had to look up the spelling for that), but 3D-VR is new enough that I think the rules are still being formed.

Inside each of those other vehicles, no matter how fast it goes or how loud it roars is a soft squishy thing. Good thing to keep in mind.

Great post Ananda, and I applaud your courage and honesty. If a mistake was made by anyone in your situation, it wasn't you. I think it's important for people to be aware that someone's av may not have anything to do with who they are in real life.

I first made my female av just to use for modeling and testing the clothes I make, but I now wear it quite a bit. I worked hard on her and I think she's beautiful, and I find it really interesting that different parts of my personality emerge depending on what av I'm using. I tend to be more polite when I'm female. My ent av is a self deprecating chain smoking smart ass. In the end, they're all me... and that's one of the really cool things about SL is how it lets you not only experiment with the game world, but also with your own.

Just keep being the cool person you are. We're ALL works in progress

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Thanks Ananda for the brave and beautiful postings, how clearly you see yourself and your feelings in the midst of all this potential emotional turmoil is truly inspiring.

Because of experiences like yours I'm having a hard time thinking of SL as a "game" these days. Your experience here is really no different from that of a novelist who finds himself inexplicably drawn to certain themes and because of that decides (for example) to write an entire novel from the point of view of a woman. I think the purpose of art is to promote self-knowledge and illuminate the human condition, both for the artist and the art lover; and if that's the case then many of the CITIZENS of this COMMUNITY seem to be using SL in the same way. Some people call it Second Life, I call it an interactive real-time novel!

Speaking of novels, have you read Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenidies? If not I think you'd find both the author and his main character to be kindred spirits.

I have to commend you for opening yourself up like that, Ananda. And I'm proud of the residents of this game as a whole if you haven't recieved any negative comments. SL is a society, and if we can accept people, then we are an enlightened one. In the end, it's up to the individual whether or not they choose to reveal their true gender when wearing another. Some people may do it for the purpose of keeping SL and RL seperate. Others may be transgendered, or simply feel more comfortable. These I believe are legitimate and good reasons. Experimenting is another legitimate reason.

I believe it's perfectly fine if it isn't done with the <i>intent</i> to decieve and trick people. I highly doubt any of the longtime residents out there like yourself who may have been living as male or female, have that intention.
But that's my opinion. When it comes down to it, we're all free to make our own choices.

SL gives us the opportunity to all walk a mile in another's shoes. (Or fly, as the case may be). That is a unique thing about this world. We can all look like how we feel inside. We can look like elves, porcupine-people, fish-people, celebrities, monsters, ducks, hippos. Whatever we want. This is a realm of imagination and an expression of the inner self.
That's what makes SL so great.

Ananda, I guess you felt bad about this enough to make this posting but really as others have added ....its an Av ...one should never assume anything more than that. What's more important to all of us is that you are a cool Av ...thats always been fascinating to interact with. You are Ananda and Ananda is an interesting persona in Sl...
I have told this story before but it was you and a few of your friends that got me hooked on sl. You and some neighbors invited me to do some diving off your treehouse in Slate. You guys (not a gender reference) were all cool looking . You did flips and turns ..I barely was able to just jump off the platform and hit the water. But here's the thing that impressed me ...You guys didnt make fun of me etc ..you were gracious to this spastic newbie and that made me feel welcomed ..and I signed up the next day. It's not how your Av looked (female/male) that really mattered ..it was your personality that impressed me and now with your posting even more so.

Ananda,

While I'm firmly with the majority in believing you could have gone forever without making a public posting about your RL gender and have done nothing wrong - I also want to say thank you for making the choice not to do so.

SL is, among many other wonderful things, a chance to explore identity. How do we see ourselves? What parts of our RL selves do we keep when we create AVs or personae in SL, and what parts do we discard or change?

I think it's simplistic to say "it doesn't matter" because it does - if only to each of us an individuals. For instance, my AV is thinner than I am in real life - but I've made her about the same age. I don't really know why. Also, I chose an SL last name that reflected my ethnicity - and even put a mezuzah up on my door in Mauve! Why? I have no idea, except that those parts of my identity seemed to be the ones that it was hardest to leave behind.

Now, these unique elements of my identity are probably of no interest to anyone at all but myself. But the general experience of creating a virtual identity is something we all have in common in SL, and I imagine it's of great interest to many of us. Your post made me think, once again, about identity when the only restraint is choice - biology is never destiny in SL.

Thank you!

Bhodi

Ananda - it couldnt have been easy to post that. Glad you did... as this is a big thught provoking thread. Big hugs to ya!

I think you told me you were male about two weeks after meeting you for the first time, and it mattered to me not one bit. We connect with the minds behind the AV's, and if there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that the body isnt the mind... ever. Thats true in SL as it is in FL.

This thread really made me think. I was at a RL wedding all weekend (fri/sat/sun) and really missed SL. Which got me all worked up that I might be too addicted to this wonderfull world. When I explored that train of though a bit more, I decided, yes, okay, I AM addicted to SL, but not because of any of my FL problems (of which I do have alot)... it's because SL stopped being a game for me a couple of months ago, when I realised I was forging real friendships very easily. I've felt more warmth from people I've met here than in all the 'chatrooms' I've ever been in.

Out of the 100 or so people at this wedding, I knew only 5. I chatted to some of the 'strangers' but I found I felt akward - I'm quite shy in RL. I think if I was represented at this wedding by my avatar, I would have easily chatted to everyone there! Truth be told, I would probably have designed a female AV for this RL wedding, because the women don't all wear the same kinda suits and look much more glamarous!

SL brings something out in us that doesnt always happen in RL... Spontanious communication with strangers.

To all of ya: I'll rate you for your AV, but it's your mind I want to get to know.
I'm pleased to have started to get to know yours, Ananda!

What you see here on your screen is AN avitar. Yes there is a real person behind that other Keyboard . But do you Really Know who is behind that Keyboard ? Are they REALLY over 18? or is it a well versed 14 year old kid ? You just dont know what or who you are dealing with . You only Know what the other people tell you or pretend to tell you . I can tell just by the way that certain people act that they are well under 18. and there are some real winners on every online game . Well that goes with the territory . So peace , Love and play ! No one really knows anything about you except what you tell them .

Ananda,

As someone else who is in SL cross-gender (Hamlet even did a story about this with me as the focus called Online Tootsie), it never mattered to me whether the person on the other side of the avatar is the same gender as the avatar... they're still my friends in SL and hopefully will be for a very long time.

When Hamlet did the story, I hesitated about giving my real name for the story because I was worried about any potential backlash because of it... even though I had my true gender in my 1st Life tab since day 1 of being in SL.

Will this make people not like you because you are playing against gender? To some, maybe... you just have to go with the flow, and your true friends will be there no matter what, as I have learned in my time in SL.

This must have been difficult to post, but I commend you on it... you took a chance on how people would react to this information, but you have also seen that it doesn't matter to your friends what gender that you have in SL... it's the person on the other side of the computer screen that we are friends with, not the pixels and bitmaps that we see on our screens.

Alexis