Ulrika Come Home!

[Seated at his desk -- upon which is a large photo of a smiling Philip Rosedale -- Phoenix Psaltery, wearing a green jacket and a yellow-and-red striped tie, addresses the camera.]

Phoenix Psaltery: Hi, I'm Phoenix Psaltery, associate publisher of the Metaverse Messenger. As an avid user of these forums, I have noticed a huge difference in the flavor of the banter here since Ulrika Zugzwang left. The forums have lost something of their zest, their spice, their witty repartee.

Because of that, I have taken it upon myself to attempt to lure Ms. Zugzwang back, by means of an offer of filthy lucre, that is to say, cold, hard cash. And this isn't a mere pittance; the amount I am offering is enough to make a real difference to the Second Life of almost anyone, enough, in fact, to purchase many of the freebie items which are currently being sold at yard sales across the grid.

I am dipping into my own pocketbook and ponying up the lucrative sum of FIVE HUNDRED LINDEN DOLLARS (L$500) as an incentive to Ms. Zugzwang to make a return to these forums. [holds a check up to the camera] Can we get a close-up of this check, please? Which camera is it on? [Of course, there is only one camera and Phoenix doesn't even make a pretense of looking for another camera - we slowly zoom in on the check]


Ah! As you can see, it's a check for five hundred Linden dollars made out to you, Ulrika Zugzwang. [zoom out] Furthermore, I will also take care of your hotel accommodation. Mr. Announcer, tell Ulrika Zugzwang what she can expect when she comes to get that check for five hundred Lindens.

Announcer: It'll be my pleasure, Phoenix. First of all, Ulrika will be picked up by a radio-dispatched Checker cab [dissolve to a card with a cheaply-drawn cartoon of a cab under an awning that reads: AIRPORT] that will whisk her to the Cross Town Motor Inn, [the card is pulled away to reveal another with a cheap graphic of a skyline labeled CROSSTOWN MOTOR INN] located in the heart of New York's fashionable garment district. Once there, she will check in [the card is pulled away to reveal another with a cheap drawing of a lobby chair and potted palm] in the recently renovated lobby and then it's off to her room via round-the-clock elevator service [new card: a cheap drawing of an elevator's floor indicator - apparently, the Cross Town Motor Inn has nine floors] where she'll be treated like royalty as pitchers of ice water [new card: a cheap cartoon of a uniformed bell hop carrying a tray of ice water] are hand-delivered to her room, and she can drink that water from glasses sanitized for her convenience. [new card: cartoon of water glasses filled with ice cubes but covered with plastic wrap] Oops! She spilled a little something on her skirt? No problem -- not with prompt forty-eight-hour dry cleaning service! [new card: cartoon of suits in a dry cleaning bag] "In by Tuesday, out by Thursday!" And let's just put a shine on those shoes, too, [new card: cartoon of a piece of cloth and a pair of shoes] with a free shoe shine cloth. And, after a long, hard day on the forums, [new card: cartoon of a clock] she can sleep as late as she likes with a leisurely checkout time of ten A.M. That's the Cross Town Motor Inn, [new card: the Crosstown Motor Inn's skyline logo] a hotel tradition, hosting New York's visitors since 1971. Back to you, Phoenix.

Phoenix Psaltery: [dissolve back to Phoenix at his desk] Thank you, Mr. Announcer. Ulrika, that's where we stand right now. Five hundred Linden dollars and free hotel accommodations. Now, it's your move. I've always respected you. You were always my favorite forum poster. I would like to see you in the forums, and so would the people of SL. You know where I can be reached. I'm waiting for you. Thank you.

Be so kind and speak for yourself only

Be so kind and speak for yourself only.

/holds up another check, also for $500Ls


I will match that check from Phoenix Psaltery and raise it another $500L CASH, if Ulrika will come back. Yes, that's right Ulrika, another $1000L added to the already growing fund to Bring Back Ulrika.

I can match that amount, and will add an additional L$500 in cold hard tangible, virtual (and therefore paradoxically intangible) cash. Bring back Ulrika ++;!!!

Also,

Moved to Notices and Well-Wishes.

I will contribute a rare torus, from my prim mine.

I will contribute goodwill and a bushel of maize.

I'll pitch in a certificate for a free beatdown. All she has to do is summon me or one of my cohorts, redeem the Free Beatdown certificate, and one (un)lucky person of her will get a ass-whupping they won't soon likely forget.

Beatdown Gift Certificates are good for...
- Freinds & Family (don't forget that optional Cannot Beatdown The Purchaser checkbox)
- Aspiring Mafia officers
- Situations where the person you're about to give bad news to might just be in the need to beat the crap out of someone, but doesn't want to get her hands dirty.

This certificate does not apply to:
- Group Ass-Whuppings
- Ninja Ass-Whuppings
- Mad Black Woman Ass-Whuppings
- Police Brutality Arrests
- ISBM (InterSim Ballistic Missle) or Orbital Weapons Platform strikes.

As I'm the one giving it to her, and Pheonix is the one presenting it, she might just say "Burke, whup Pheonix's ass for me, will ya?" And I'll be ready with my ultimate blackjack of extreme peril.

Oh, and btw... who the hell is "Pheonix," anyhow?



P2

p.s. for those who have opted to opt out of the "Bring Back Ulrika Campaign," I add this gentle disclaimer: not everyone wants her back, but hey, in the words of those ancient sages of esoteric knowledge, Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you just might find you get what you need."

I will combine the goodwill and maize to synthesize and summon "Maize flat cake of goodwill +1".

I see your L$500 and raise you L$5000

Done. Now what the hell am I doing here?

Now you roll initiative to see if you eat "Maize flat cake of goodwill +1".

No, no! You are Maize flat cake, Blonde! Estas Sr. Rubio! We still have a call for "Taco Goodwill" holding on line 3!

And you're slacking at work, that's what you're doing here! Same thing we do every monday-morning, Pinky!

[/size]

Words to live by...

Ah, candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker!


I don't think $L will do it alone, so let's tempt her with something that really might make her smile...



Should she choose to return, I shall de-commercialise my forum signature for a period of one (1) week.

Ulrika left? Was ther some Drama I did not know about?

Yep!

So why exactly is this ulrika important? Reading back onto old threads she seems just like a banker I often have 'discussions' with over welfare. let her rest -away- from SL.

As far as I remember Ulrika left to deal with real life and family stuff.

And now you want to yank her away from her family just to amuse you!

You cold heartless barstards!

Namely, this post here

... Though the first and second paragraphs both state very differing reasons for leaving.

There is something both poetically just and symmetric about the idea of Ulrika's return.

Arguably, the Second Life world and forums deserve her, as much as she deserves us.

That said, she may well meet the terms of her vow, and Ulrika herself may never return.



But would an alt?




Multiple cries of "I am Ulrika!" may make her the Anastasia of Second Life.

Her true fate always a mystery, multiple impostors may seek power and fame in hopes to regain the fair land of Neualtenburg.

Would some canny fortune seekers vie to support such claims?

Would the real Ulrika be watching from the streets, as the impersonators campaigned?

And what of the secret horde of Nualtenburgmarks, several kg worth of unique, golden shiny prims whose minting has never been confirmed?

Truth may be stranger than fiction...

Whatever you raise to bring her back, I will pay triple so she can enjoy her family and not be here.

All I can say about the 'vanishing' is 'timing is everything'

I got my own theories on it - they have to do with announcements that happened 2 days before it heheh..

But I'm with you Eboni...

I agree

I love Ulrika so much that I will donate a signed copy of the rare "Jiggy Dance With Fucked Up Arm" just to lure her back.