What happened to me...

Up until the past year - I have been what most college professors at my school call a perfect student: graduated cum laude, national honors societies, worked directly for a U.S. senator for summer, etc.. And in SL I have had my share of personal drama but nothing that could take away what dreams and ideas I had for SL which I did bring to fruition. But one day... something happened, I was sitting in class, as interested as ever in the subject matter - and as the professor spoke I found myself at a complete loss of understanding at what he was saying. I just could not seem to piece more than a few words together before losing the bigger picture of what the words meant together. Numerous other things began to happen. Everyday became a cycle of extreme up's and down's. Nervousness, anxiety, panic, fear - all these things begin to be how i defined my SL experience. I was frozen into inaction, not only in SL but in RL. When I noticed this oddity in my own behavior I began to research online possible causes of emotional disturbances. That is when I happened upon several websites that delineated types of behavior that all seemed to reflect not only my recent activity but most of my life since childhood. The only difference was that the cyclic behavior these websites described, which I now saw had been a part of my life since childhood had now advanced beyond yearly cycles of being hyper (manic). The problem now was that these cycles had increased to monthly, and then weekly and now daily and hourly moments so that I could literally feel a tide inside me moving from one end to the other. Now add to my psychological and emotional cycling, the inability to read complex paragraphs that draw on higher cognitive abilities, a barrage of thoughts that race around in my head too fast to deal with, an occasional glimpse of something in your peripheral vision that is never there when you look for it, sounds that echo in your head and have no obvious source, and this where I am today.

They call this Bipolar Disorder. A disease that can make you cry uncontrollably and laugh hysterically at the same time – if you can imagine or have ever seen such a thing.

Now I sit around, often times just staring and wondering if what I am experiencing is just my own manifestation or if it really is happening. The psychologist is so sure she strongly recommended I check myself into a hospital so I could be treated medically, immediately. It just doesn’t seem right that one day everything is ok, and then the next it all be so different. There are so many other things that go along with this. Flipping out on the smallest issue, inability to cope with the most basic of day to day activities, hiding from responsibilities out of unexplainable fear, not speaking to people, fatalistic thoughts (which are the hardest to stop but you just have to tell yourself it isn’t real and that maybe you should just consider that option *after* you receive medical care), the list goes on.

I really am who I was a year ago today and 5 years ago today. It’s just that what I have to deal with is different and how I interpret things, for now, is different. So if I seem to ignore you, or just snap at you, and you say to yourself “that isn’t the briana I know”, you are right that I am not acting like the person you know, but it is unfortunate that I am that person afterall. And I am sorry because in that moment that I am reacting or not replying to you –ever-, it is the only thing I can or cannot do.

This is treatable, and I am very positive that I will be better. I needed to explain my curt attitude and abrupt shifts in emotional reactions and hopefully by sharing my experience here others will who are going through something similar will feel solace in the fact that they are not alone in the SL or the Real world.

Briana Dawson

Briana,

I cannot even imagine how frightening and overwhelming this must be for you. I wish you luck in your struggles to overcome and/or learn to deal with it.

*hugs* Bri

We'll love ya whatever, hon! Don't worry too much about what other people think... just worry about getting yourself better.

Briana -

A good doctor friend of mine told me that the most healthy people are those who have learned to live with chronic illnesses.

Know that you are loved and respected and have the courage within to deal your very difficult situation.

We're here for you!

Best wishes to a full, healthy recovery Briana! Hang in there.

{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGGGGGGGGGGZZZZZZZZ}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I am there for ya Briana!!

Hey Bri...I hope the best for you. I have been married now for 5 years to a wonderful man (Darko) who has bipolar disorder plus many other mental illnesses and I sympathize with you. I see what it does to a person and it is a horrible thing to suffer from. He has suffered from this his whole entire life. If you ever need someone to talk to, you can talk to us, especially Darko because he knows exactly what you are feeling. I hope you have a good doctor and get the proper medication you need. You are in our thoughts.

I am just monopolar instead of bipolar (always depressed), but there are some good meds out thereto treat manic-depressive cycles. Lithium pretty much the standard, but there are some new ones that work pretty good too. With less side effects.

Best wishes for your health, Briana.

As one who was married to a woman with bi-polar disorder, my only advice is listen to your doctor and take your meds. If you do, it WILL get better. Sometimes its a juggling act to get the right dosage of the right medication, but you should be confident that you'll get this right. Its a very treatable condition.

xoxo

- Ace

Briana,

All the best to you, and I hope that you will get back to a situation of health and equilibrium and enjoy both your first and second lives again before too long.

Take care

Thanks for sharing, Briana.
I hope you're better soon.
I've known other people with similar disorders and they responded well to treatment. I suspect you will too.

Briana, all the best my friend. I know you're smart and courageous enough to learn to overcome any obstacles that get in your way. I have no doubt of it

With all the drama that happens here, I think it's very brave to admit to the SL community your struggles in RL. I've only met you a few times, Brianna, but you have always been an integral part of the SL community. Please seek whatever treatment you need and take care of yourself. Come back to us when you can.

Best hopes and wishes. Get better Bri. *hugs*

Things will get better with time....you have friends who care, if you need to talk ever just wave and one of us web weasels will come a rompin up to see whats up >^-^<


Your friendly Japanese Angel Kitty friend, Teean Milk
*huggers*

Sorry to hear that Bri, best wishes

I have a very good idea what you are going through. I went through very similar symptoms, and was diagnosed with depression, 7 years ago. There were some terrible days at the beginning - before the medication started to kick in - and, while it was hard even then, it got steadily better. Eventually, I was off medication and - though I tend to be a bit curmudgeonly - I think I'm fine. I stay away from things I've learned might impact my serotonin levels, and remind myself frequently of those who stayed with me through that period.

Hormones can be astoundingly strong, but they are still just chemicals. Sometimes keeping the balance right is tricky, but perseverance pays off. Give meds a chance, if your doctor recommends them. Feel free to talk to your doctor about trying other brands – I tried two before I found one that not only helped the panic attacks but also let me still get excited about more intimate endeavors.

You sound like you have a very healthy perspective on this, and I think you’ll do excellently. If you find yourself looking for some moral support, feel free to send me an IM. It goes to my email. Or send me mail directly at [email]kathy@trainorphans.org[/email]. If I don’t see it during the day, I’ll see it when I get home after work. I’d be glad to chat.

Chemicals can be scary – especially just before you get the mix right. But it can all be adjusted. It isn’t Rocket Science. It may be Brain Surgery, but it ain’t Rocket Science

Have patience. And – above all – keep at hand a list of things, OTHER than your medical situation, to focus on.

Take care, and keep in touch.

Serotonin is a nuero-transmitter sweety, not a hormone.

Awwwwwwww Sucky stuff Girl. Get the help you need so you dont go off the deep end though.


(that means get well soon in wiggle language )

I've heard it referred to as a neurotransmitter (which it obviously is) and as a hormone (which it may also be). My impression, over the last 7 years, is that those people who really need to be accurate in this distinction already know which is which. I'm not aware of any attribute that makes it an important distinction to those practicing their own personal chemical management.

So, yeah. Even though I often hear it referred to as a hormone, you may be correct. It wouldn't be the first time in recent history that millions of people have gotten the definitions wrong.

That being said, I would like to mention one last thing.

Don't call me "sweetie." I've already mentioned my increased curmudgeonliness, haven't I? I'm just as likely to reach down your throat and turn your testicles inside-out the hard way as not.

If you meant it affectionately...well...thanks...hunnybun.

You guys are all welcome to call me sweety and hunnybun

Briana,

I'd say your prognosis is good, simply because you are willing to accept the reality and deal with it. Those who have the most difficult time are those who deny the truth of their own lives, and that, apparently, ISN'T you. Congratulations on that.

We are all terribly flawed, tremendously afraid, and unimaginably uncertain. I see everyone's dirty laundry in my work as an ER nurse so I just believe this is so.

So here's what I tell my patients when they're in the middle of an unexpected crisis: It's like being on a roller coaster, and you're climbing up that first long, slow, high incline. You decide you're not having fun and you want off. Well, you're already on the ride and you can't get off. You're going. So your choices are (1) you can scream bloody murder the whole ride and yell at everyone around you and wonder 'why me?', or (2) you can throw both arms up in the air and yell "Wheeeeeeee!"

By your post, I can see you've chosen to look for whatever good you can find on the ride. You're a couragous woman.

I admire that and wish the best for you.

Lol good advice Maggie, I throw my arms up and say weeee often

Briana I hope you get better but always have faith and never give up


FAITH

When You come to the edge of all the light you know...
And you are about to step off into the darkness....
Faith is believing ...
one of two things will happen...
there will be something solid to stand on...
Or you will learn to fly....


A cute Poem i found on the net.

Briana I wuv uuuuuuuuuu SOOOOOOOOOO much!!! i hope u get better!!!!!!!!!!!
you are the first person in this game to helped me with my problems.
I own all i have to you gurl! I wuuuuuuuuuuv ya so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get better soon gurl!!!!!!!!!

Wuv ya a million times!!!!!!!!

Wuvme Karuna
aka Sexy beast...

Briana I have been struggling with bi-polar, obsessive compulsive disorder, anxiety attacks and severe nervous disorder my entire life. I have been admitted to more than 10 mental institutions and even received electroconvulsive therapy in 1992. Despite all of this I was able to earn 2 bachelors and a master degree, marry and have a wonderful family.

During the last 17 years I have tried almost every medication on the market, all with very limited success. I am now on a new medication, along with my daily THC treatments, and I am doing very well. I don’t have the cognitive abilities I once had and my memory suck ass but life is sweet.

If we were talking about your diagnosis 10 yrs ago I would not give you much chance of leading a normal life. However, with education and the help of some brilliant new medications it is so very possible now. I don’t like taking pharmaceuticals but feel in certain cases they are absolutely necessary. I encourage you to listen to your doctor and be vocal about how you feel. Take your medication. No matter how normal you feel, take that shit. If you feel overmedicated let your doctor know. It is essential that you develop a good relationship with your doctor.

I am not saying it will be easy. Dealing with a mental disability sucks. Your life will probably never be the same but that does not mean it cannot be just as full filling and wonderful. In fact being bi-polar is a blessing in many ways. I personally believe that it makes you more sensitive and receptive to people and things around you. It allows you to feel the pain and excitement of life on another level. I feel this is a very artist infliction.

I wish you the very best Briana. If you ever need anyone to talk to I am here. Please do not let this illness take control of you, take control of this illness. You have already taken the first step towards a healthy recovery…education. Educate yourself and ensure the people around you are educated as well.

Us crazies need to stick together. One love!