Do you NEED your girlfriend/boyfriend?

Yes it's me again, don't ask why

So you're in a relationship with someone you love. Is "needing" a part of that equation? If you love someone, do you "need" them?

Keeping it short and simple.

Hmmmm...

IMHO, needing someone is dangerous. Not that it's fun to get rejected or dumped, of course. From what I've seen, needyness makes the needer anxious and miserable, and it's a big turn off to the needed sig other.

I remember a quote from some self-help book I read years ago that went something like this:

I see where you're coming from Olympia. I have a question for you, out of curiosity.... how would you feel/reaact if the person you were with (when told you miss him/her when they're away for a long period) tells you regularly that they don't "need anyone" and asks the question "what's there to miss?"

Kade--I wouldn't date someone like that; seems a bit cold to me, and I enjoy people who embrace relationships of all kinds instead of dejecting them.

no I don't need the person.
Need implies that they have something you don't.
And I don't think you'll get it from them.

kade, in these threads, are you talking about a rl situation or an sl one?

"Need" means required to do or be something. I don't thinking tha needing someone is necessarily good for a relaionship, especially a romantic one.

OTOH, "completion" is a concept that is quite often bandied about in the same vein. That is, another person brings out something in you that wasn't there/wasn't evident in the first place - thus "completing" you. The difference here is that there is no sense of incompleteness without the other person - at least not in a negative sense. Instead, one feels "more whole" when around the second person - as if a missing piece of a puzzle that was previously unknown has been finished.

That said, I am not sure that a mentally healthy person does "need" any particular other person. It is relatively widely accepted that man is a social animal and thus "needs" social contact with others. But, there are well-known examples of hermits who survive fairly well with no or extremely limited social contact with others. Modern society seems to think such people are aberrant - different from the average. I agree they are different, but not so much so that the average person would "suffer" if stranded on a desert island alone. Become lonely maybe... suffer, no.

Scrooge didn't "need" anyone. In a way, Tiiny Tim "completed" him in a fashion no one else had. Scroooge was a "better man" because of his relationship with Tiny Tim. The Jack Nicholson character in "As Good As It Gets" says the same thing to the Helen Hunt character - "You complete me. You make me want to be a better man."

Kinda rambling but that's how I see it.

Talking RL situation.

It does seem to get kind of tricky. I guess it depends on how one defines "need." I understand where you're coming from on all points.

With all this, you may want to have an honest look at the reasons you are staying in this relationship. Do you really love the person? Are you afraid to be alone?

You can care for someone but decide to end a relationship because it is not healthy for you.

you need to get out. regardless of the symantics or definitions, partners should never speak callously like this to one another.

Good points, Korg. I think it boils down to personal boundaries. If you have an "internal locus of control," meaning that you have a solid and positive sense of self, the neurotic aspects of needing another person just don't apply. Your heart may long for another, but without the addictive or co-dependent aspects of less healthy relationships.

OK, I hear the retorts wafting through the ether -- I concede that few of us are Gandhis and this is, after all, the real world.

Good point. I see it as that I don't need anyone in particular, but I do need someone to talk to.
Analogous to how I don't need any particular job, but I do need a job. (I have one, it's just a hypothetical)

In that context it sounds like he (or she) is being rude. Personally I'd think this person is either trying to push me away or doesn't respect me as an equil. Ouch! I'd rather be single than stuck with a sig other who was unkind (no matter how attractive his "good side" is). Just my opinion- not trying to tell you how to run your life.

Yes I love him, and yes I've found myself in an unhealthy situation imo. I have broken up with him, but we keep talking and keep arguing. We've been broken up since the beginning of Dec and still going back and forth at eachother, nice one minute and arguing the next.

The reason for these polls? Because of his determination to make me believe.... so many things I find ludicrous. It would make such a long story. But basically he tells me "no guy is going to feel the way you are expecting me to feel. They may SAY they do but they're only telling you what you want to hear." It's brainwashing imo, and the only way one of those episodes comes to an end is when someone else other than me says "look, that wasn't right." Then and only then does he reflect on it and realise he's given me valid reason to feel hurt and disrespected.

This just isn't going to be complete without atleast one example.
We met in SL 8 months ago. He was here living with me for 3 months, until we broke up and I made him leave. When he flew back home those were the terms we parted on. All communication has been via chat, email, and SL since then. After about 2 weeks we "reunited" (if you can call it that) online. At that point I felt the hugest "need" to see him again. I felt it more because of how we parted. When I am talking about needing in this thread, that's the "needing" I mean. I need him here rather than 5000 miles away from me having an online long distance relationship. I need to make up properly, face to face, and be in his arms, not tossing cyber kisses in SL.

His feelings? "I keep asking myself what it is you miss so much. I guess the affection, but other than that we're together in SL so what's the big deal? I just am not desperate to go back there (my place) when we'll just play SL, and we can do that now. I am a loner. I will never need anyone and never be that upset about breaking up or leaving someone.."

The need for normality and security in the relationship. The joy and fulfillment of having someone at home when I come in from work at night rather than a quiet lonely home. All the little things you love and cherish about a relationship with someone you love. He asked me this morning "What do you miss so much? Was it that much fun going to the grocery store with me?" That, in my eyes, shows me that every ounce of enjoyment we shared has been taken for granted and devalued to a level so insignificant that it can be compared to nothing better than going grocery shopping. On and off for the duration of our relationship, he has gone from extreme peeks to extreme lows regarding his "love" for me. When he does love it's so sweet it'd give you cavities. It sets your hopes up very high, then you wake up one day to a cold boyfriend who just doesn't love you today... but tells you he'll come around and love you again in a couple days.

Oh it's so complex the things we've hashed out and rehashed and gone through. I could write an entire book here, but I'll try to hold the rest in. I'm sorry

Kade, it sounds to me as if your goals and expectations for the relationship differ greatly from those of your partner. I'd go a step further and hypothesize that you and he have greatly differing personalities and value systems.

Have you ever taken a look at similarminds.com? They have some free compatibility tests that might help (info, below).

Wishing you the very best.

Compatibility Tests
*The multi-user tests require two or more people to respond to receive results (an option to email the test is available). The single user tests are self reporting (you can provide the answers for yourself and the person you are trying to assess compatibility with).
Multi-user Enneagram Test
Single-user Enneagram Test
Single-user Jung test
Single-user Big Five Test

Of course I need her, that's the whole point! Need her? I friggin live for her!

For me, I can't discreetly separate SL and OL (offline life) into two individual components. They flow into each other and feedback (mostly positively ). My emotional state offline is affected by what I do in SL.

I just know that there are pieces of the puzzle that were empty, and now they are filled. Does that constitute a need? I dunno, but it's nice to have some voids in my heart have something there.

I wish you well on this, Kade... it's tuff.

i agree with eggy's sentiment.

your "bf" is wrong. you can and should expect these sentiments from your partner. if you settle for less, it is your own fault. don't settle for less.

I think Paulo is on the money here.
Either this guy has a way different idea about what makes a "relationship" or he's trying to push you away. Such expectations aren't easlily changed, especially through talks and arguements.

You may find this book helpful in protecting your heart from getting stomped on. I know it knocked some sense into me. What Smart Women Know

I've read that book already, along with "Women Men Love, Women Men Leave," "Why Men Love Bitches," "He's Just Not That Into You," "Women Who Love Too Much," and I might be leaving one out. Point is, I'm well read on relationships being a traditionalist, wanting to be married (to the RIGHT person being the key), being 30 and unmarried.

Infact, this boyfriend I speak of uses my books as an excuse in many of our arguments. "You need to stop reading that rubbish." He thinks they're all books teaching women to be bitches to men. When I stand up for what I feel I deserve, this is the argument I hear many times.

Straight talk for you Kade:

No book is going to make you feel better about this guy.
Are you happy with how you feel when you are with him?
Do you keep going back because your sense of self-worth is low?
He is spewing crap about 'all men' because he doesn't want you realizing that you can and will do better than him.
You will find someone to love who will return your love.
But.....

only if you walk away and never look back on this one.

With most normal people you'd think that was what they're doing.... saying it because they don't WANT you to find someone better, but I don't believe so in his case. He tells me alot of times he hopes I find someone to live up to my expectations, then sometimes he says no guy ever loves a woman constantly but just tells her what she wants to hear... and such. He talks out both sides of his mouth, but anyhow I don't think it's that he cares whether or not I find one of those loving guys out there. His entire motivation in all the "all men" crap is entirely to be right. He always has to be right.

Kade... the dude sounds insensitive. You, on the other hand, seem very in touch with yourself and what you appreciate in life. I think you need to find someone like that. I think the boyfriend you keep mentioning can not fulfill that. *hugs* Wish you the best; you're strong in character and you know that--and you're bright, too--so stand up straight and remember... "there's other fishies in the sea."

I didnt 'need' my GF when we first got together. Not the next couple of years either.

But now we've lived together for more than 10 years, and yes, I 'need' her. I need her to be there for me, to listen to my concerns, worries, rants and stupid ideas. I need to know how she feels, if she's sad, I'm sad. She has become a part of me. She IS me. I am her. I know she feels the same way. We are one together, and our differences makes us more complete.

I would be able to live on without her if I had to, so I dont need her to survive.
But she is so important to me that I would say I need her, yes. She is my current life. We work together, live together, love together.

I also need her to wash my clothes