Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than > a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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Rules for dating my daughter |
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Lecktor Hannibal
YOUR MOM
Join date: 1 Jul 2004
Posts: 6,734
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12-28-2005 19:53
_____________________
YOUR MOM says, 'Come visit us at SC MKII http://secondcitizen.net '
Oh, Lecktor, you're terrible. Bikers have more fun than people ! |
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Toy LaFollette
I eat paintchips
Join date: 11 Feb 2004
Posts: 2,359
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12-28-2005 20:11
OMG!!!!! my dad used to have that list in our hallway!!!
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"So you see, my loyalty lies with Second Life, not with Linden Lab. Where I perceive the actions of Linden Lab to be in conflict with the best interests of Second Life, I side with Second Life."-Jacek
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Invect Hasp
Registered User
Join date: 5 Apr 2005
Posts: 200
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12-28-2005 20:18
What if you don't want to date her but just want to have sex with her, is that ok?
Do these rules apply to your wife as well? So far neither has mentioned these rules to me at all. By the way, do they offer group rates? |
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Cid Jacobs
Theoretical Meteorologist
Join date: 18 Jul 2004
Posts: 4,304
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12-28-2005 20:43
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Oh! I'll be delivering a package! *wink wink nudge nudge*  _____________________
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Chance Abattoir
Future Rockin' Resmod
Join date: 3 Apr 2004
Posts: 3,898
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12-28-2005 22:42
Lecktor has a daughter? A/S/L/Pic?
_____________________
"The mob requires regular doses of scandal, paranoia and dilemma to alleviate the boredom of a meaningless existence."
-Insane Ramblings, Anton LaVey |
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Zapoteth Zaius
Is back
Join date: 14 Feb 2004
Posts: 5,634
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12-28-2005 22:49
Ok Leck your going to the top of my "will pay a lot for ransome" list..
_____________________
I have the right to remain silent. Anything I say will be misquoted and used against me.
--------------- Zapoteth Designs, Temotu (100,50) ---------------  |
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Katt Kongo
M2 Publisher
Join date: 9 Jun 2005
Posts: 1,020
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12-28-2005 22:53
I only have one rule.
Be a eunuch. _____________________
The Metaverse Messenger
A real newspaper for a virtual world. Now with over 63,000 readers! http://www.metaversemessenger.com |
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PetGirl Bergman
Fellow Creature:-)
Join date: 16 Feb 2005
Posts: 2,414
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12-28-2005 22:54
My father still has it... but he can have it... I am living in an own apartment
 ))Fun to read... tks a lot! |
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Zapoteth Zaius
Is back
Join date: 14 Feb 2004
Posts: 5,634
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12-28-2005 22:55
Rule 1: Get out.. Get out now.. My house, my daughter, my rules, OUT.. Get out! Why aren't you out?! Do you think I'm joking? Do I look like I'm joking? GET! OUT! NOW!
_____________________
I have the right to remain silent. Anything I say will be misquoted and used against me.
--------------- Zapoteth Designs, Temotu (100,50) --------------- |
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Juro Kothari
Like a dog on a bone
Join date: 4 Sep 2003
Posts: 4,418
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12-28-2005 23:06
Lecktor - I don't do girls... so, any rules for dating your son?
 _____________________
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Tod69 Talamasca
The Human Tripod ;)
Join date: 20 Sep 2005
Posts: 4,107
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12-28-2005 23:32
LOL! I love it! Same rules my dad applied to my sister. He added one more- They should practice rolling down the driveway, just in case.
I got the "parent speech" once. I was 25, she was 19. Ok, a little awkward but our 'dating' lasted about 2 days (I wasnt into doing drugs). Her mother didnt want to give me the speech, said she'd feel foolish doing so because of my age. I said "hey, its your right as a parent. Go right ahead." Now THAT guys is how you Do it! Utterly Polite & Understanding of what the parents are thinking. _____________________
really pissy & mean right now and NOT happy with Life.
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David Valentino
Nicely Wicked
Join date: 1 Jan 2004
Posts: 2,941
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12-28-2005 23:35
Leck..umm..about your daughter. She will be having a little David Valentino Jr. in about 9 months....
And I'm pretty sure he will be a liberal democrat. Sorry! _____________________
David Lamoreaux
Owner - Perilous Pleasures and Extreme Erotica Gallery |
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PetGirl Bergman
Fellow Creature:-)
Join date: 16 Feb 2005
Posts: 2,414
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12-29-2005 01:17
Lecktor - I don't do girls... so, any rules for dating your son? Cant be any diff... we are all worth the same treatment ))) |
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Ben Bacon
Registered User
Join date: 14 Jul 2005
Posts: 809
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12-29-2005 01:36
Lecktor has a daughter? A/S/L/Pic? S = female  L = Huntsville, Alabama how'm I doing so far?  |
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Lecktor Hannibal
YOUR MOM
Join date: 1 Jul 2004
Posts: 6,734
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12-29-2005 05:10
What if you don't want to date her but just want to have sex with her, is that ok? Do these rules apply to your wife as well? So far neither has mentioned these rules to me at all. By the way, do they offer group rates? If you want the wife by all means keep her. After all, I divorced all 3 of them several years ago. _____________________
YOUR MOM says, 'Come visit us at SC MKII http://secondcitizen.net '
Oh, Lecktor, you're terrible. Bikers have more fun than people ! |
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Lecktor Hannibal
YOUR MOM
Join date: 1 Jul 2004
Posts: 6,734
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12-29-2005 05:11
Hehe you folks crack me up. Sorry Juro the boy is straight.
_____________________
YOUR MOM says, 'Come visit us at SC MKII http://secondcitizen.net '
Oh, Lecktor, you're terrible. Bikers have more fun than people ! |
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Introvert Petunia
over 2 billion posts
Join date: 11 Sep 2004
Posts: 2,065
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12-29-2005 05:35
Hehe you folks crack me up. Sorry Juro the boy is straight. And you know that "those people" are recruiters for your son, right? Oh wise and powerful moderators, that last sentence is parody of bigotry, not actual bigotry. |
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Bill Diamond
when all else fails...x=8
Join date: 22 Mar 2005
Posts: 98
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12-29-2005 05:40
Originally Posted by Lecktor Hannibal Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. LOL....These are great. I'll have to remember this list when my daughter is old enough to date (say...around 35!) |
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Eggy Lippmann
Wiktator
Join date: 1 May 2003
Posts: 7,939
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12-29-2005 05:40
Rules for dating my non-existing daughter...
- wear a condom. - don't drink and drive. - drugs are bad, mm'kay. _____________________
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PetGirl Bergman
Fellow Creature:-)
Join date: 16 Feb 2005
Posts: 2,414
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12-29-2005 05:53
..and the in-built system (genes) - will of course do all to demonstrate an own young will - and do it all...
I remember.. some fun.. opppsss opsss... wow... must cal father and remind him to.. myyyyyyy |
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Phoenix Psaltery
Ninja Wizard
Join date: 25 Feb 2005
Posts: 2,599
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12-29-2005 14:58
Hey mister, I really like your daughter,
I'd like to eat her like ice cream, Maybe dip her in chocolate... Hey mister on your way to work, In your Volvo, suit, and tie, We'll, be crawling in your bed soon, Messing around, maybe getting high... It's not what ya did, It's not what ya didn't, God gave her a perfect body, And now I'm all up in it. It's not she's a tramp. It's not she's not pure. She just likes getting her f**k on, And it's good one of that I'm sure... Hey mister, I really like your daughter. When I'm horny like thirsty She's a bottle of water. Hey mister, how'd it get so bad? You raised her so well, And now she's calling me dad. In the back seat naked of a new Volkswagen, The perfect little gift for high school graduation. It's not what ya did, It's not what ya didn't, God gave her a perfect body, And now I'm all up in it. It's not she's a tramp. It's not she's not pure. She just likes getting her f**k on, And it's good one of that I'm sure Nana na nana na, Nana na nana na, Nana na nana na, Ha hahaha ha ha haha I eat all the food in your fridge, Call my friends around the world, Rack up your long distance too, Breakstands, neutral drops, Wreck all your cars, Drink all the booze in your cheezy ass wet bar, Order stuff on your credit cards, Leave boogers in the skippy jar, Smoke your cigars, Answer the phone, tell your boss you moved to Mars, When you call in late from work, tell your wife You're at the titty bars It's not what ya did, It's not what ya didn't God gave her a perfect body And now I'm all up in it. It's not she's a tramp. It's not she's not pure. She just likes getting her f**k on, And it's good one of that I'm sure I can't lie, I have to tell the truth, Man to man, mister, it's all a total spoof, Your daughter's a freak, Your daughter's a pro, When I'm done with her, She'll do one of your bros. I hope I never have a daughter... I hope I never have a daughter... I hope I never have a daughter... I hope I never have a daughter. _____________________
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Chance Abattoir
Future Rockin' Resmod
Join date: 3 Apr 2004
Posts: 3,898
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12-29-2005 15:08
If you want the wife by all means keep her. After all, I divorced all 3 of them several years ago. At the same time? I guess that's how they do it in bama. _____________________
"The mob requires regular doses of scandal, paranoia and dilemma to alleviate the boredom of a meaningless existence."
-Insane Ramblings, Anton LaVey |
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Barnesworth Anubis
Is about to cry!
Join date: 21 Jun 2004
Posts: 921
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12-29-2005 15:29
Cant be any diff... we are all worth the same treatment )))but boys like to play more roughly, right Juro? And you know that "those people" are recruiters for your son, right? My experiance has taught me it only takes a few drinks... _____________________
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Juro Kothari
Like a dog on a bone
Join date: 4 Sep 2003
Posts: 4,418
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12-29-2005 16:34
but boys like to play more roughly, right Juro? No comment. And, for the record, you can't "convert" anyone but the willing. _____________________
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Jora Welesa
Dark Lady of the Sith
Join date: 11 Jul 2005
Posts: 153
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12-29-2005 16:39
Can I date your daughter, Lecktor?
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