Houseplants of Gor

I just found this online and it is cracking me up:

HOUSEPLANTS OF GOR
A Parody by Ellerol

The spider plant cringed as its owner brought forth the watering can. "I am a spider plant!" it cried indignantly. "How dare you water me before my time! Guards!" it called. "Guards!"

Borin, its owner, placed the watering can on the table and looked at it. "You will be watered," he said.

"You do not dare to water me!" laughed the plant.

"You will be watered," said Borin.

"Do not water me!" wept the plant.

"You will be watered," said Borin.

I watched this exchange. Truly, I believed the plant would be watered. It was plant, and on Gor it had no rights. Perhaps on Earth, in its permissive society, which distorts the true roles of all beings, which forces both plant and waterer to go unhappy and constrained, which forbids the fulfillment of owner and houseplant, such might not happen. Perhaps there, it would not be watered. But it was on Gor now, and would undoubtedly feel its true place, that of houseplant. It was plant. It would be watered at will. Such is the way with plants.

Borin picked up the watering can, and muchly watered the plant. The plant cried out. "No, Master! Do not water me!" The master continued to water the plant. "Please, Master," begged the plant, "do not water me!" The master continued to water the plant. It was plant. It could be watered at will.

The plant sobbed muchly as Borin laid down the watering can. It was not pleased. Too, it was wet. But this did not matter. It was plant.

"You have been well watered," said Borin.

"Yes," said the plant, "I have been well watered." Of course, it could be watered by its master at will.

"I have watered you well," said Borin.

"Yes, master," said the plant. "You have watered your plant well. I am plant, and as such I should be watered by my master."

The cactus plant next to the spider plant shuddered. It attempted to cover its small form with its small arms and small needles. "I am plant," it said wonderingly. "I am of Earth, but for the first time, I feel myself truly plantlike. On Earth, I was able to control my watering. I often scorned those who would water me. But they were weak, and did not see my scorn for what it was, the weak attempt of a small plant to protect itself. Not one of the weak Earth waterers would dare to water a plant if it did not wish it. But on Gor," it shuddered, "on Gor it is different. Here, those who wish to water will water their plants as they wish. But strangely, I feel myself most plantlike when I am at the mercy of a strong Gorean master, who may water me as he pleases."

"I will now water you," said Borin, the cactus's Gorean master.

The cactus did not resist being watered. Perhaps it was realizing that such watering was its master's to control. Too, perhaps it knew that this master was far superior to those of Earth, who would not water it if it did not wish to be watered.

The cactus's watering had been finished. The spider plant looked at it.

"I have been well watered," it said.

"I, too, have been well watered," said the cactus.

"My master has watered me well," said the spider plant.

"My master, too, has watered me well," said the cactus.

"I am to be placed in a hanging basket on the porch," said the spider plant.

"I, too, am to be placed in a hnaging basket on the porch," said the cactus.

"I wish you well," said the spider plant.

"I, too, wish you well," said the cactus.

"Tal," said the spider plant.

"Tal, too," said the cactus.

I did not think that the spider plant would object to being watered by its master again. For it realized that it was plant, and that here, unlike on Earth, it was likely to be owned and watered by many masters.

Original can be found here:

http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/housegor.html

What...the hell?

haha i knew that one its an exellent critic to john norman's writing style XD

I muchly laughed the first time I read this, and laughed again seeing it here.

Anyone who has attempted to read any of Norman's books will see what a delicious satire this is

If you enjoyed The House Plants of Gor, you will love Gay, Bejeweled, Nazi Bikers of Gor. Its a far longer story, but so wonderfully parodies not only Norman's horrendous writing style, but also the actual doctrines and philosophies that many people most criticize the Gor novels for. It's a hilareous read for detractors and proponents of Gor roleplay alike.

You can find it here if you would like to check it out for a laugh...

Gay, Bejeweled, Nazi Bikers of Gor

And don't forget to check out "Global Warming of Gor". I think they just made it into a movie.

Oh, my, god... this is f***ing hilarious! Thanks for the link and the giggle fit!



This is pure gold!

Remind me *never* to read these books.

If those are accurate parodies, I'm afraid that my writing style might be degraded by exposure.

Desmond, trust me, that's an accurate parody.

It is..the writing style of the books suck.


Desmond Shang in..Tulips of Gor.

Oh god I'm dying here l m a o

Norman writes at what is best described as a 5th grade level. The use of big words, and inventing your own doesn't mean your ability to write cohesively doesn't suck.

The fact that he uses sentance structure like "quote blah blah blah" he said

Note use of "he said" that drives me insane.

This girl knows of this link, and has found great joy and fufillment in these tales of the greenery of Gor, with her Master's permission, of course.

It's hilariously accurate, believe me.

Save your breath unless you're super bored. The books are available free, online, in text format. So you might say Norman can't even give them away

On a more positive note, they might be good gift for someone you despise very muchly

Please let me point out one simple little thing:

It's not the writer you should mock. Seriously. He just did not know better.

The EDITOR, on the other hand, should be stabbed with rusty paperclips until he is sent to a special place in hades set aside for trators.


<shivers>

Who are we to criticise, though?

Everyone who's had their lame, poorly written, teenaged sexual fantasies start a subculture, raise your hands!









Thought so.

Do Trekkies & LARP players count??

I feel we can all safely say, it was not his boring, tedious writing style that led to the creation of the Gorean subculture. =P

It was all about the covers.

I hear Gor was the only series of books where remainders had the covers torn off and kept by retailers, and the rest of the book was shipped back. Confirm/deny?

Star Trek isn't lame!!



And LARP is whatever you want it to be, so it doesn't count, heh. That doesn't mean it can't be really pathetic, however.

A friend who also likes to read loaned me one of these 'books' once. After a few chapters I got my lighter out and my desire to take good care of a friend's property battled with my desire to incinerate this dreck so nobody else would have to suffer it... it was a close thing!

I've skimmed them in order to better understand SL Gor culture (when I needed to, which I really don't so much now since we're not among them anymore), but I can't claim to have ever read any one Gor book cover to cover. I simply couldn't make myself do it, honestly.

Besides, I could learn plenty just through observation.

Oh. My. God.

A gift for someone who wouldn't even *get* that it was no gift at all, until they had suffered along diligently through several dozen pages...

Oooooh so deliciously evil! I fear you already.


I swear, the editor *must* have been in on the joke. There is no other rational explanation.