Notice Of Revocation Of U.S. Independence

Notice Of Revocation Of U.S. Independence
Brits serve notice of revocation of U.S. Independence?

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation
of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not
fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the
97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the
need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid
in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter
'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour',
skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced
'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix
"ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'
e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg'
if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look
up "vocabulary." Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will
be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old
enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows.
When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use
bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have
to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're
talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as
Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you
persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become
"shires," e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly"
or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy
American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional
political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want
you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind
of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
good game. The 21.5% of you who are aware that there is a world
outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
"American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and
should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if
you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to
American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We
are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside
of America. Since only 21.5% of you are aware that there is a world
beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of
baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders,"
which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,
collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no
longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public
than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible
enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a
permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You
will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit
of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
Fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian,
though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in
Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you
insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real
chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional
accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance, 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to
all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity
to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st, only proper
British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of
known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The
substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be
referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine," with the exception of the
product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be
referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine." This will allow true
Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline," as
you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices
with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the
former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices
(roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to
1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.
Basil Fawlty (aka John Cleese)

Does this mean we can make fun of the Royals too now?

Of course, we do good ol queeny and her corgys lmao, and prince philip, well...

When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident:

That all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness; that, to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed; that whenever any form of government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles, and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object, evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security. Such has been the patient sufferance of these colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over these states. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his assent to laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his governors to pass laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his assent should be obtained; and, when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of representation in the legislature, a right inestimable to them, and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved representative houses repeatedly, for opposing, with manly firmness, his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the legislative powers, incapable of annihilation, have returned to the people at large for their exercise; the state remaining, in the mean time, exposed to all the dangers of invasions from without and convulsions within.

He has endeavored to prevent the population of these states; for that purpose obstructing the laws for naturalization of foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migration hither, and raising the conditions of new appropriations of lands.

He has obstructed the administration of justice, by refusing his assent to laws for establishing judiciary powers.

He has made judges dependent on his will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of new offices, and sent hither swarms of officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, standing armies, without the consent of our legislatures.

He has affected to render the military independent of, and superior to, the civil power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our Constitution and unacknowledged by our laws, giving his assent to their acts of pretended legislation:

For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us;

For protecting them, by a mock trial, from punishment for any murders which they should commit on the inhabitants of these states;

For cutting off our trade with all parts of the world;

For imposing taxes on us without our consent;

For depriving us, in many cases, of the benefits of trial by jury;

For transporting us beyond seas, to be tried for pretended offenses;

For abolishing the free system of English laws in a neighboring province, establishing therein an arbitrary government, and enlarging its boundaries, so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these colonies;

For taking away our charters, abolishing our most valuable laws, and altering fundamentally the forms of our governments;

For suspending our own legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated government here, by declaring us out of his protection and waging war against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burned our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large armies of foreign mercenaries to complete the works of death, desolation, and tyranny already begun with circumstances of cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow-citizens, taken captive on the high seas, to bear arms against their country, to become the executioners of their friends and brethren, or to fall themselves by their hands.

He has excited domestic insurrection among us, and has endeavored to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers the merciless Indian savages, whose known rule of warfare is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes, and conditions.

In every stage of these oppressions we have petitioned for redress in the most humble terms; our repeated petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have we been wanting in our attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them, from time to time, of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity; and we have conjured them, by the ties of our common kindred, to disavow these usurpations which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too, have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity which denounces our separation, and hold them as we hold the rest of mankind, enemies in war, in peace friends.

We, therefore, the representatives of the United States of America, in General Congress assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name and by the authority of the good people of these colonies solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of right ought to be, FREE AND INDEPENDENT STATES; that they are absolved from all allegiance to the British crown and that all political connection between them and the state of Great Britain is, and ought to be, totally dissolved; and that, as free and independent states, they have full power to levy war, conclude peace, contract alliances, establish commerce, and do all other acts and things which independent states may of right do. And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor.

We done kicked ya'll brits back to England! Stay there, and accept our tourist dollars like good former imperilistic and oppresive power. Thank go we got out of the Brit Empire before it screwed up half the world leaving messes like the middle east, or Afghanistan, Burma, Pakistan, India, South Africa and nepal for us to sort out and take the blame for it.
America is alos a spansih speaking county and a german, dutch, chinese, hebrew, japanese, french(yes even french!) and a host of other languanges not all of us bother to learn. We donlt have a national language so stop imposing yours on us and criticising the fact we like it, like totally better the way we speak it! Well maybe microsoft thinks we have a national language, but they also think Mech Assault was a good game.
Oh and we play baseball because not evern you brits know how to keep socre in cricket!
And we all play soccer until we outgrow it and take up football, which is an endeavor that serves to facilitate gambling.
Oh and Black Adder is no substitute for Bugs Bunny!
And all the music you invaded us with? Ripped off from good ole 'merican boys like muddy waters and robert johnson.
And we don't care about the president because we are not obssessed witht he silly ntion that p[oliticians should be honest. It is enought that they are far away!

And we also make fun of your royals until you kill them off in convenient frech auto accidents because they upset the porper decorum.

We also show affection for more than dogs and horses.

Also its not our fault your girls think our accents are sexier.

Gwyneth Paltrow is NOT english.

Even Ewan MacGregor is not english.

And we like the Aussies cause they are as unvicilized aas we are and outback is a good place to eat.

Oh and you drive on the wrong side of the road! Oh and Ford owns jaguar which is why so many of us drive them.

I we are going to sell our country off we are at least going to seel it to someone who can pay a good price for it.

Jake Reitveled, American.

Because 1812 never happened.

This is all just a cheap ploy so that Brits don't have to download Desperate Housewives off of the Internet. If you throw in Elizabeth Hurley, then we'll talk.

I'd like to point out (as an Australian) that the Outback Restaurant is as close to authentic Australia as Curling is a sport (not at all).

Black Adder rocks and is waaaay funnier than Bugs Bunny (doubly so for any episode made after 1980).

And the original assertion that Budweiser is slightly warmed cats piss is correct

Oh and we are WAY more crass than you guys... we still love you - even if our accents are sexier than yours still..

English Women DO have sexy accents, comparable in sexiness to a southern american accent... Eastenders and Bostonians are on par with bushman tribes in the sexy accent stakes.

As for the rest of it - you should consider it! - honestly the reason we don't part from the Commonwealth is apathy -- it would take too much time away from beer drinking and inventing new fart jokes.. And lets face it, its fun to laugh at the Royals.

Siggy.

Ok, Is it me or since when does a joke sighned by basil faulty, aka, john cleese, aka monty python team, yanoo famous british comedy team. turn into some great backlash about politics and war lolol.

I guess if i read it again half of it is true it needs watering down, sanitise it for polital corectness so you get the joke, we need to swap in some dull us celebs, and call it a "sitcom".

Of course picking on cricket if funny, not a fan myself but being such a world player, you would of known of the world cup, which also includes africa, india, australia and many other countries. See world is not just one country lolol, so can we come play your world series, noooo. lol

And sod it i cant be bothered to answer anymore its a joke, sorry you dont have the sense of humour, im more than happy to laugh with my aussie friends, we have our differences, but we both love our fart jokes and agree what the hell is neighbours still doing on tv. I love aussie accents, and the wine is excellent.

So all in all im proud to be british, will stick with my language setting on international-english (lmao) yea true setting, a glass of my aussie win, making fun of the royals, watching good old british comedy, while getting my free healthcare, while you, well, get your own little language, weird beer, and i wont even go into what we think of bush.

is'nt............ that blairs boyfriend????..........only kidding folks,keep your shirt's on ......or am i rofl

yea bush and blair have got a thing for each other, i hear they talk on the phone all the time and these secret meetings, think of the wives poor things.

wow Jake, time to relax me thinks. Oh an dlets face it, British and American cars are both shite at the moment.

They met in a gay bar

so I heard...

they have so much in common

Well they always say video evidence is pretty much the truth so who am i to argue, i wish them all the best lmao, sniggers n hides.

Sweet! Another emotimation is born!

Getting on poser as soon as I return from the eighth circle of hell, erm, I mean work.

So true howevah, American AND British Motorcycles rule!

It’s not that we were unaware about a world out side our borders it’s more that we don’t give a shit about you all. We take care of our shit and fuck you all…..Oh wait to much caring and that is what put us in most of the mess in the Middle East. We need to say fuck you all.



Can just kill our government people? It would really make most of use like you more. At least I would.



What about Color? Don’t you all put a u in there or something?
What about Zero (0) should we start calling what ever you all call it (To much time with BBC on but never got this one)??



Does this me we will get Graham Norton on our TV against David Letterman & Jay Leno. I mean we here in the states really need to learn what a good Late Night Show host is and what Funny is.



Thanks my spelling is so bad with out MS spell checker it would be worce. Can you get them to read my mind as I write? After all it still messes up my words.



Oh this part is easy thanks.



How about Coupling? I mean a great show then they put some American twits on there and it sucked ass. How about Office?



Oh here is were you get me. I am a Pagan and would want to say God and Goddess and you know really I say fuck the Queen.



Can we play Australian Rules Football (Allot like US but only the fans and Refs were the pads)?



Hay Canada plays with ous!!
Oh and Japan plays Baseball if we get them in to the world series would that be ok?
How about not playing rounder and playing cricket?



You can take my gun out of my cold dead hands!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Oh come on my Birthday is July 6th and with July 4th so close I get 4 day weekends and what not for my B-Day. Please let us have it!!




But does we go with metric weights or do we change over to stone??



We all know Belgium here in the states. Belgium wallfuls!!!!!!!!!!!!
Should we stop eating Chips the American way with Ketchup and start eating them the UK way, Malt Vinegar? Or would it be ok to go the European way and do with Mayans?



Do we get tea time now?? And should we stop putting Lemons in our tea and start putting sager and cream in it??



Can I still get my German Spanen Premum? Oh and Week Near-Froxen Knat’s Urine is to good of a name for Budweiser!



Speaking of money are we going with the Pound or the Euro??




Oh I agree!! But can you tell me what a barrister is?? I mean we have lawyers and judges but you all have like 10 other things and BBC7 radio really loses me when they talk about them.




Cuba Government for the Day of Pigs!




May family has only been here for 80 years do I get a tax brake??



You are welcome you bloody wanker!

In the best of all possible worlds, we would have :

French Chefs
British Policemen
German Mechanics

In the worst of all possible worlds, we would have :

British Chefs
German Policemen
French Mechanics

- Ace

No French food is really English food from the King Henery the 8th time. Also French food SUCKS ASS!!!

There goes another sense of humour bypass, hey lighten up we all know prince philip is a loonatic who can quite easily offend 10 quitries in a day, but thats half the fun of it. he's the queenys sidekick. You're just waiting for the next one.

I have no idea that every reply from an american so far has gone so deep into politics, this is a joke lol, yanno. jeeze. Chill out, calm down, and stop thinking we're all so party political as you are.

Hay I was making fun. Really I was. (Like the Gun part I don't even have a gun.......but I want one) Take a read I thought it was funny and if you take the time you may too. Or I am just sick and twisted!

Not sure about french chefs, unless you fancy like a thimble of rice with a slice of beef on a 2 inch plate as the main course lolol, the rest are totally true lol, we have a few good chefs although, personally prefer alot of international food like italian and spanish, chinese too.

Perhaps we can learn you some math.

They teach us Egnish and we teach them some Math. Works for me I need allot of English help. But even I know you should have used Teach not Learn.

What's this about Englandshire being unruly?