Men to Blame? Or She is Her Own Worst Enemy?

Ok all, I'm a bit hung up over (another) incident with one of my friends, lets call her Marta, to protect the innocent. I don't even know what to say to her anymore, so I'm hoping you can help. Here is the setup, your thoughts would be greatly appreciated because I'm probably as mad at her as I've ever been at anyone. Honestly, I'm a laid back guy. I chill with stuff, I roll with it. Yeah, I'm not the most successful or the most smart, but I've (mostly) enjoyed my 38 years on this planet...

Where do I start? My life-long friend (we literally lived next door to each other for 19 years) "Marta" is 35 years old, successful, intelligent, independent, (and though she will not agree) very picky when it comes to men. As far as looks go, she's mediocre at best. She's involved in some sort of corporate law or something (she tried to explain it a couple times, but I just dont get it) and puts in some heavy work days and often goes in the office at least on Saturday and more often than not Sunday. I think safe to say she's pretty successful. Me and her mainly talk on the phone, but sometimes we'll do stuff together when she's not working which leads into my next point....

Now she's always talking about wanting to find "a good man" and getting married and having kids. But because she works she claims she is not able to find any men. So, occassionally, I'll be a good friend and do an introduction. Of course, most the times I do that they dont meet her criteria.. they're not smart enough, intelligent enough, blah blah... you get the idea.

So on Monday she was whining about the man situation and I offered to set her up with my good friend Pete. I described him and she seemed all good with it, so she said to set something up for Friday (today). Well, as you probably guessed, since I'm in a huff and here, the setup did not go through. About 2 hours before the date she asked me what Pete did and upon finding out he was an electrician she suddenly lost all interest and said to cancel the date. Well, since my friend Pete was on his way and was driving about 3 hours out of his way and got all dressed and ready (probably mostly as a favor to me and to her) and because she used that condenscending tone I hate, I lost it. Regretibly, I yelled on the phonecall, "Well you're no Miss America yourself and no spring chicken so you're not going to find Brad Pitt!"

As you can probably imagine she got very emotional and hung up. Now, I told Pete about her cancelling and he was cool with it. But I'm still pretty damn mad. And I'm not sure why I'm mad but mostly I think its because she's always blaming men for being picky, but probably the reason she hasn't found anyone to settle down with is because she's too selfish and her standards are unrealistic.

Anyways, my question is.... what now? Do I call back and apologise or do I just let everything settle down? Do I have a right to be mad? Next time she starts whining about men do I tell her to STFU?

Your thoughts greatly appreciated.

Well, it sounds like she IS too picky, but yes, you should call her back and apologize.

And maybe sort it out about WHY she's so picky. And definitely take back the Miss America comment.

Dare. I. Even. Say. It?


You are emotionally attached. Deeply.

You've known each other forever, enjoy the companionship, you selflessly care about her happiness and have been coming back for more, for nineteen years.

Because he was an electrician? Hah, nobody's that shallow! Another reason, my friend.





End the charade, and end it now.

I suggest roses and an apology at eight. With classy dinner reservations. And ah... make sure you have 'protection' handy, just in case.


Am I serious? More than you might think...

I think Desmond may be right. She always talks to you about this, and she sabotages every date you set her up with? You might be misinterpreting her reason for always going to you to talk about it ...

or not. i agree she's sabotaging herself but maybe more because she's afraid to really do what it takes to wind up where she says she wants to be.

Lets hope "marta" doesnt read these forums.. doubt she'd like the "mediocre at best" line o.O

Stop playing matchmaker for her. I agree with the others here that it's a self-sabotager at work.

Go ahead and call her to apologize for the outburst. When she starts whining about men remind her to look first at what is good about a person before looking at what's not right. If she keeps looking at what's not right first she'll never get anywhere because *everyone* in this world has something that's not right.

Because she chose to back off from the date with your friend on the grounds (oooh legalese term) that he was an electrician, she completely missed ALL opportunities to find out what she would like about him.

Ask her, if she would accept something was wrapped in yesterday's newspaper stinking of rotten fish. Then go on to say "what's to say there's not a diamond necklace inside?" It's perfectly possible to wrap a precious gift in the worst of wrappers and you will never learn what the gift is until you can get past the wrapper.

Conversely, garbage can be wrapped with neat giftwrap.

Names changed to protect the innocent, my friend. Though to my knowledge, she does not even know Second Life exists.

As for me, I'm already (happily) married so that can't be it. But I'm very much appreciating your responses, and have cooled down considerably. :whew:

Naturally, this is something I cannot discuss with my wife because they deeply dislike each other. So, in my hour of need, I turned to the collective wisdom of the platform I love

Picky is one thing, but cancelling the date hours before over something like that? That's self-centered and obnoxious. It's not like she found out he was a child molester. This wasn't an arranged mariage- she could have at least met the guy. If that's typical behavior on her part it's no wonder she can't find a good man. Who would be attracted to someone so rude?
In my opinion, she's her own worst enemy. Maybe she unconciously finds it easier to rule out possible men than to risk the stresses involved with getting involved?

Your "Miss America" remark was valid IMHO but she probably just took it as a personal attack ("He said I was ugly! He said I was old! How could he be so mean!?" . Women (some of us, at least) are sensitive (perhaps oversensitive) when criticized about how we look. Maybe you could tell her that you were angry and overreacting when you threw in the Miss. America coments, and that you really meant she would meet more people (and have a bigger pool of men to choose from), if she wasn't so picky.
That's my two cents. Good luck.

Given how she's like I'm not surprised she dislikes your wife. And given how that is I am not surprised that your wife would, as a result, dislike her too.

Wow, this made me think of the book I just finished. This is sort of a reference within a reference, from "The Speed of Dark".

In it, a priest reads from the book of John, where a man has been lying by the pool of Siloam, its waters reputed to have healing powers, waiting for someone to lower him in. Jesus asks him, "Do you want to be healed?"

The priest goes on to explain that this is not a silly question, but an honest and important one to ask. Jesus is challenging the man to understand whether he really wants to be healed, or is stuck on just this particular idea of healing, or just wants to complain.

Perhaps your friend is not really ready to be in love, she just wants a sympathetic ear. Give her that, and don't spend your time judging her or trying to solve her problems.

Oh of course, *quite* impossible then. Why, that just ends any notion of it right there, now doesn't it?


Naturally.


Ah, have you recommended that your neighbour try Second Life?

Just... a random thought, and absolutely oblique to the conversation at hand.

Dude, if you hadn't gotten a clue yet.... men ALWAYS get the blame. Doesn't matter what we do . But somehow, someway, something or other, we did somethng .

You'll get used to it.

It is entirely his fault. What did he think he was doing, being an electrician anyway? I mean, how dare he do such a thing and contemplate a blind date with her. Really, he should be shot just for thinking of such a thing.

Hmm, electrician friends i know make pretty good money, and they've got good jokes about "sparks" and "bolts of lighting" and such. Really fun guys, but all of them married too

Anyone ever see that movie Mr. Wonderful? Yummy Matt Dillon plays an electrician in it, and Linda Fiorentino plays his ex wife, who he tries to fix up with a stream of men so that he can marry her off, stop paying alimony, and buy into a bowling alley investment with his buddies. Great movie.

FWIW, I think she knows she's not Ms. America, so she's uber defensive in the form of rejecting all men before they reject her first. Pride and low self-esteem, plus, workaholic tendencies. Definitely selp-protective.

Is Pete anywhere near the East Coast? I'd be thrilled to meet a man with a job.

I'm on the east coast of England, Surreal, and I have a job. Does that work for you?

This person does not deserve a date with your friend.

I think you have a right to be mad, first because it was awful for her to do that to you and your friend. Inconsiderate to you as well as to him. And even after that anger has passed, you probably have some lingering mad because you can see her problem and she refuses to.

But, like the others here, I think you should apologize, and the sooner the better. She probably cried herself to sleep that night. Even after you apologize, though, she's likely to remain cool. But part of that will be because she is thinking about what you said, cause you are probably the first person she cares about who actually told her the truth. Even if she never spoke to you again, you could probably figure you've done her a favor.

Your wife doesn't like her for very good reason. Your relationship will this woman will likely change after this, but I think that is probably a . . . very . . .good thing.

She seems to have deep problems. Mostly fear. It's likely she really doesn't want the things she says she does, and is afraid to face that fact. Or she could have self-esteem and socializing problems causing her to panic, kind of like an agoraphobic might agree to go to a concert, then start panicking at the last minute over the large concert hall.

I know you care about her, but this is one area I don't think you are going to be able to help her with. And I'm with your wife, who would probably say - stop trying.

coco

Do not fix this woman up again, no matter what; even if you two do manage to patch up your friendship and she whines incessantly about her pitifully man-less state, resist the urge to help her hook up. She's obviously got some weird personal standard for whom she wants to date (and as others have hinted, it's probably mainly in place because she's got a fear of commitment).

I cannot believe your friend would be so self-centered as to back out of a blind date a few hours before when her date was already en route. In my dating past, I have sat through some miserable blind dates, ones where the guy was so annoying or unappealing or just plain dumb, because I didn't want to hurt his feelings by bolting for the door mid-rendezvous. If your friend is as intelligent as you represent her, she should realize at some point that being smart isn't an acceptable excuse for treating people poorly.

If your buddy is a journeyman electrician have him copy his w2 and give it to her. She'll change her tune.

Many people use unrealistic standards as a defense against meeting someone and the possibilty of intamacy. Their will never be anybody good enough you could set her up with.

Your friend seems to be just more than self centered, shes got real bad manners too. By taking her whining (poor poor pitiful me) and by continuing to set up dates for her, you are enabling this disgusting behavior. She needs to learn to manage her own life, find her own dates, and work at relationships like the rest of us do. I can certainly see why your wife dislikes her, i dont think i would be delighted knowing another woman was making my husband jump thru hoops in the name of "friendship"..friends dont use friends this way, and im thinking theres an alterior motive in her constantly making you her "patsy".
As soon as your friend learns to be responsible for her own life, she will appreciate someone elses time much more than she does now...good luck bud

Have to agree with this one.

If its her fault --- Doesnt matter.

If shes wrong --- Doesnt matter.

If shes unrealistic -- Doesnt matter.


Shell blame you anyhow.


Also - as to your being happily married as your defense she couldnt secretly prefer you?
B*LL Sh*t -

The fact she and your wife dont get along , Might be a big clue in this department. Sometimes when women are antagonistic its becuase they see the other as competition.

I would listen to him

Any tech writer jobs about? Oh wait, I speak American, not English.

I can give y'all English English lessons: tomahtoes, spread jam on your toast, join the queue for the loo...

that kinda thing