So, what ARE your credentials?

*passes Willow a detachable Penis* There ya go! =)

I got a parking ticket once.

We *are* sharing, right?

Yay for Sel and Maeve!! Yay!!!

Selador, no harm, no foul--I am convinced that I am the most gullible person on the planet.

Oooooh. Other credentials? I can "swing 'em in the air like I just don't care"

I worked my way through college as an exotic dancer. I received simultaneous undergraduate degrees in political science and physics.

Though I continued my exotic dancing, I was unable to find a job in my professional field. On a lark, I attended law school in my spare time, and passed the Texas bar exam.

I felt really good about helping large corporations crush annoying litigants, but I thought my talents might be better applied elsewhere. So I applied to NASA as an astronaut candidate.

I was accepted, and started training as a payload specialist. After 16 months, I left NASA when I discovered I didn't care for the on-orbit food.

More recently I've been briefing the President on mideast peace. Unfortunately this has meant I had to give up my exotic dancing career.

<--- Ivy.

^ Poison

This thread reminds me of one of my favorites pieces on the Internet. It has been around forever.

IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer, I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration team. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who has seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and all my bills are paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

I just want to go to sleep. v_v

Let's see here:

Microsoft Certified Professional (Windows 2000 Administration)
CompTIA A+ Certified Technician
6 years experience working desktop-level support and helpdesk
FCC Amateur Radio Operator (Technician-Class)
7 years experience designing websites
I ran a computer repair company for four years
I volunteered as a phone operator for a teen crisis hotline for two years
I currently work as an Emergency Vehicle Equipment Technician for a start-up company, I specialize in off-road gear and communications systems
I attend many furry events, and have been active in that community for two years (hey, never know what people might need to know!)
I spent two months on Capitol Hill lobbying for gay rights a few summers ago
I've driven more than 70,000 miles total since getting my driver's license four years ago
I've driven nearly every possible type of wheeled vehicle
I'm an admin on four forums, and a moderator on three others
I was in the school's band for six years (played trumpet)

I think that about covers my notable (or not) accomplishments

Degree in applied narcotics from the University of the Outer Hebrides.

I have a MSW which explains why I am so wacko. To make matter even worse I work in an emergency room.

Well....right out of high school I attended a semester of college as an aspiring journalist (believe it or not). Quickly realized that it was everyone else's dream for me, but not what I wanted to do.
Took a semester off and went back to become a Dietetic Technician...almost finished, had a 3.8 GPA. But I QUIT because I decided I wanted to work with animals.
Threw myself head first into a job at an animal shelter, spent every waking moment learning about animal behavior, going to seminars, trying to save animals, researching medical stuff, etc....well here I am 9 years later with NOTHING and fucking miserable. The first 6 of the 9 years were wonderfully rewarding, but then somehow some clueless, evil dictators wormed their way in and have ripped out our hearts and souls.

Hopefully my future will bring Broadcasting School. But if not, working on an assembly line would be better than the shit we are being dragged through right now.

My first job was shoveling horse shit....really, then it was on to McDonalds....but got into a scuffle with the manager over my "right" to wear my hair long and wear and earring. Then it was one of those annoying people at the mall "Would you like to take a survey?" Yeah, that was me, I ruined your date. Then....this is one of my favorites, I had a job at place that sold shareware...yes, they sold it, but then they went out of biz and then it was years and years of tech work at places like gateway, best buy etc...oh joy. Then on to network administration (blech, I liked shoveling shit more). Interspersed through all of this is construction work.... What does all this qualify me to do? Blow things up apparently....which is what I do now.

Anyway...so my ummm qualifications, I can lift, move, swindle, hold my nose, stage revolutions, spout obceneties (with help), read, a unique process of controlled falling, and ummm yeah I can umm speel. Oh!!! I almost forgot, I am a kitchen alchemist, I have turned Ramen(tm) into J-e-l-l-oooooo and water into carbon residue.

i am not qualified to comment in this thread.

After 5,000,000 miles OTR, I decided home life was more my style.

Isn't network stuff just another way of shoveling shit, though?

As for my qualifications... um, ain't got any. A few college credits, some Navy experience, and assorted service industry jobs in between.

april 1, 2003

A full tank of gas, a half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and i'm wearing sun glasses

Cronus taught me how to swallow gods whole. I had a stalker once. I also ate a fried bee at a Burger King when I was 16 and it wasn't a dare. Ulrika gave me a compliment once and it was coincidentally the only time I ever noticed her make a spelling error- which leads me to believe that it was not really Ulrika but was instead her doppleganger, Norberta.

You must be Corey Hart!

What kind of sauce with the fried bee?

None. A coworker just pulled it out of the fryer and the manager was holding it in his hand with 5 other employees standing in a semicircle to see it. I figured it was a moment of comedy gold and I walked over just as they were leaning in to get a good look, took it out of his hand, and ate it.

Hit it.

I was once Emperor of Antarctica. Well, not all of Antarctica, just the region the US relinquished its claim on. But we claimed the rest! All of it! And I'd be Emperor today if I hadn't been deposed in a communist revolution. Damned commies. Hate 'em. One of these days I'll be back. My people need me. They love me. It if wasn't for those damned commies... Now where did I leave that bottle of vodka....

I have the hand-eye coordination of a ninety year old. Also, I blew up anthills with firecrackers when I was younger.