Christmas Jokes Thread

Inspired by Martin Magpies "Dear Santa" Thread

----

The Christmas Angel

One particular Christmas, a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for the annual trip... but there were problems everywhere.

Four of the elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not product the toys fast enough to meet demands. Santa was beginning to feel stressed. Mrs Claus told him that her mother was coming for the holidays, and this stressed poor santa even more.

When we went to harness his reindeer, he found that 2 of them were about to give birth and 3 others were nowhere to be found. More stress. Then, while he was loading the sleigh, a floor board cracked under his weight and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky, only to find that the sick elves' hot toddies had emptied the drinks cabinet. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of tiny pieces. He went to the broom closet only to find that the mice had eaten all the straw from the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his was to the door. It was an angel with a tall beautiful evergreen. The angel said cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa! Isn't it a wonderful day? I've brought you a lovely Christmas tree to celebrate with. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And thus began the tradition of the angel on top of the christmas tree


-------------------------------------------

The Best Christmas Cake Recipe

The Best Ever Christmas Cake Ingredients..

>> 1 cup butter
>> 2 cup sugar
>> 4 large eggs
>> 1 cup dried fruit
>> 1 teappoon baking powder
>> 1 teaspoon baking soda
>> 1 tablespoon lemon juice
>> 1 cup brown sugar
>> 1 cup nuts
>> 1 or 2 quarts of aged whisky

Before you start, sample the whisky to check for quality. Good, ain't it? Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the whiskey again as it must be just right. To be sure the whisky is of the higher quality, pour 1 level cup into a glass and drink it as fast as you can.

Repeat.

With an electic mixer beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon of sugar and beat the hell outta it again. Meanwhile, at the parsnicular point in time, wake sure the whixey hasn't gone bad while you weren't lookin'. Open second quart if nestessary.

Add 2 large leggs, 2 cips fied druit an' beat 'till high. If druit gets shtuck in peaters, just pry the monsters loosh with a drewscriver.

Example the whikstey again, shecked confistancy, and the shitf 2 cups of salt or destergent or whatever, like anyone gives a schit.

Chample the whitchey shum more.

Shitf in shum lemon xhoosh. Fold in shopped sputter and shrained nuts. Add 1-- babblespoons of brown booger or whustever's closhest and mix well.

Greash ubben and turn the cakey pan to 350 decrees. Now pour the whole mesh into the washin' machine and set on sinsh shycle.

Check dat wixney wunsh more and pash out.

Why does santa have several gardens? So he can Ho Ho Ho!

~Ulrika~

1. Stand in front of a supermarket wearing a Santa suit, ringing
a bell and wishing everyone a Happy Hanukkah.

2. Wrap yourself in swaddling clothes and lay in the manger of
the neighbor's nativity scene.

3. Put on a Santa suit and open a mall kiosk that sells reindeer
jerky and Easter Bunny filets.

4. Call Park Rangers in your area and tell them Rudolph is sick.
Ask if you can borrow one of their reindeers. If they tell you
no, then yell at them telling them they are heartless bastards
for ruining Christmas for all the children around the world.

5. Wear a Santa suit to the nearest red light district and stand
on the corner saying "Ho!" as women walk by.

6. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children that
they've been naughty and won't be getting any presents this
year.

7. Create snow sculptures in your yard of snowmen in suggestive
poses.

8. Buy a package of Keebler's E.L. Fudge Sandwich Cookies and
hand them out to children saying this is what happens to the
bad elves.

9. Decorate your yard to look like a sleigh and eight tiny
reindeer crashed and burned. Walk back and forth along the
street muttering, "Oh the humanity."

10. Get a job playing Santa at a corporate Christmas party and ask
everyone if they’d like to see some naked pictures of Santa
with the Boss's wife.

11. Sell jars of water, advertising them as Frosty the Snowman urns.

12. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children
they'll get what you give 'em and that's that!

13. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children
you're sick of the milk and cookies crap and you'd prefer a
beer and a hot blonde instead.

14. Sell Grinch-skin rugs.

15. Stand on a street corner selling dime bags of mistletoe.

16. Post a sign in front yard that says "Carolers Welcome." When
they get almost to the front door turn on the sprinklers.

17. Randomly replace one bulb in your neighbor's lights so they
no longer work. Repeat this every day until Christmas.

18. Decorate your yard for the holidays using your neighbor's
decorations.

'Twas the bike before Christmas, I wanted at my house, But nobody would listen, not even a mouse!
I'd begged for six months though nobody did care, Still clinging to hope my bike soon would be there.
But now hope was dashed my heart filled with remorse, For tomorrow was Christmas and still no steel horse!
The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of Road Kings danced in my head.
I sat there just pouting in jacket and chaps, and began rationalizing, winter really is crap!

When out on the lawn there arose such a thunder, that even the dog was awakened in wonder.
Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow, Gave the lustre of mid-day to chrome things below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, But four brand new Harleys, one with six gears!

With a chubby lead rider, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be Biker Nick.
More screaming than eagles his steel horses came, And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, Road King! now, Dyna! now, V-Rod and Sporty! The excitement was vast for a man over forty!
They filled up the driveway and man they looked neat! To choose from these beauties would be quite a feat!
So I ran to the garage and outside I flew, Standing there drooling with Biker Nick too.

His eyes -- how they twinkled when he gave me four keys! They all were mine, and no dealer fees!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, But all I could see were four bikes in a row!
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, As I jumped on the first one and rolled to the street.
He had a broad face and a little round belly, And like most bikers I know it shook just like jelly.
A wink of his eye and a twist of my wrist, Soon gave me a thrill; a Christmas Eve bliss.

And laying his finger aside of his nose, he bid me farewell and started to go.
But I heard him exclaim, as he rode out of sight, "Happy Christmas Bro, hope you like your new bikes!"

I cant't even participate in this without offending someone. Dam i have some good ones too.

Ahahahahahaha .... Good one.


.

A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 1 in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of the Muslim, Hindu, Jewis or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total (or 378 million according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of christmas to work with, thanks to the differet time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logial). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distibute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly disributed around the earth (which of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are biw talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second- 3000 times the speed of sound. For puposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer cab run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

The payload of the sleigh adds another intresting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself (who is supposedly quite a hefty fella). On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer can pull 10 times that normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or event NINE of them - Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the veight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly recen times the weiht of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same dashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earths atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would adsorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vapourized with 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accekerating from a dead stop to 650 MPS in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of forcem instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him into a quivering blob of pink goo.

Therefore, even if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

Unless of course, he's magic.

Merry Christmas!!

I have to stress that this is a joke, despite the fact that half the people in these forums would agree with its sentiment and probably start a dramah inducing thread about it given half the chance.


Santa's Lawsuit - Violation of Children's Rights