Dear Santa;

DISCLAIMER: this is a joke, sorry but some ppl are really wound too tight in these forums. love Mar Mar Happy Holidays

deer santa:
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa


Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa!

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.
Santa

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
! All the toys are made by little kids like you in China Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Santa,
P.S. Tell your mom she got the part.
Long Dong Claus,


Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa


Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.
Santa

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa

I've started watching the Sopranos, Season One. I SWEAR that Santa is one of them!!! I can actually hear the accent while reading that. haha

One particular Christmas, a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for the annual trip... but there were problems everywhere.

Four of the elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not product the toys fast enough to meet demands. Santa was beginning to feel stressed. Mrs Claus told him that her mother was coming for the holidays, and this stressed poor santa even more.

When we went to harness his reindeer, he found that 2 of them were about to give birth and 3 others were nowhere to be found. More stress. Then, while he was loading the sleigh, a floor board cracked under his weight and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky, only to find that the sick elves' hot toddies had emptied the drinks cabinet. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of tiny pieces. He went to the broom closet only to find that the mice had eaten all the straw from the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his was to the door. It was an angel with a tall beautiful evergreen. The angel said cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa! Isn't it a wonderful day? I've brought you a lovely Christmas tree to celebrate with. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And thus began the tradition of the angel on top of the christmas tree

The Best Ever Christmas Cake Ingredients..

>> 1 cup butter
>> 2 cup sugar
>> 4 large eggs
>> 1 cup dried fruit
>> 1 teappoon baking powder
>> 1 teaspoon baking soda
>> 1 tablespoon lemon juice
>> 1 cup brown sugar
>> 1 cup nuts
>> 1 or 2 quarts of aged whisky

Before you start, sample the whisky to check for quality. Good, ain't it? Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the whiskey again as it must be just right. To be sure the whisky is of the higher quality, pour 1 level cup into a glass and drink it as fast as you can.

Repeat.

With an electic mixer beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon of sugar and beat the hell outta it again. Meanwhile, at the parsnicular point in time, wake sure the whixey hasn't gone bad while you weren't lookin'. Open second quart if nestessary.

Add 2 large leggs, 2 cips fied druit an' beat 'till high. If druit gets shtuck in peaters, just pry the monsters loosh with a drewscriver.

Example the whikstey again, shecked confistancy, and the shitf 2 cups of salt or destergent or whatever, like anyone gives a schit.

Chample the whitchey shum more.

Shitf in shum lemon xhoosh. Fold in shopped sputter and shrained nuts. Add 1-- babblespoons of brown booger or whustever's closhest and mix well.

Greash ubben and turn the cakey pan to 350 decrees. Now pour the whole mesh into the washin' machine and set on sinsh shycle.

Check dat wixney wunsh more and pash out.

I want wealth, power, and the ability to make people's heads explode using only the power of my mind. I am, of course, willing to exchange my immortal soul for these things.

*squints at thread title, puts on glasses*

Oops, sorry, wrong thread.

Somebody listens to 'The John Boy and Billy show' Good stuff!

rofl priceless guys now I gotta go find some more! LOL

Merry Christmas

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your rear?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!

8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own pain gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it. OK, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,

Barbie