Why Our Children Are On Drugs - Or Unravelling Bee-Cow

Four months ago my wife gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy. We both have fairly large families, and everybody was very excited about our first child. I was also excited about my wife's new humongous bazoombas.

The great thing about bringing a new child into a big family is that you barely have to buy anything for the first six months. After the initial round of showers and gifts you pretty much have a stockpile large enough to keep fifty babies diapered, wiped, clothed, and entertained.

Now, four months later, while regularly tripping over four months worth of baby paraphernalia I have uncovered an odious plot perpetrated upon us by the baby supply and clothing manufacturers of the world. Also, if my theory is correct, various drug companies and perhaps even drug cartels are also involved in this wicked cabal.

The purpose of this consortium is to drive our children insane as early as possible so that we'll be compelled to dope them up with Ritalin and other psychostimulant drugs before they're old enough for others to realize how bad we screwed them up. This is accomplished by inundating our children with some of the craziest shit imaginable.

Now, I realize that in general children dig crazy shit. Talking rabbits and big yellow birds are pretty trippy but have been around for ages. In the recent years, however, this syndicate of crazy shit has really raised the bar.

I've attached an image of a particularly flagrant example below. This is from a baby bouncer that was given to us as a gift. Our baby has been exposed to this product daily since birth, but just recently I have noticed him studying the intricacies of this particular imagery.

I call the figure "Bee-Cow" although I believe this fails miserably as a descriptive moniker. What the hell is this thing? Where should I start: the confetti-like tassels of hair, Holstein-like ears, bee-like stripes, 90210 sideburns, rosy cheeks, smarmy grin, glassy eyes staring into the depths of my soul. Maybe I'm just fixated because of all the swollen mammaries I'm exposed to recently, but I believe those lower appendages are sexually explicit. Damn, Bee-Cow has some nice cans!

Bee-Cow is just over-the-top crazy. I can not attribute any reasonable explanation to rationalize the existence of Bee-Cow. If I can't manage to wrap my 30 years of lifetime experience around this creation to figure it out, imagine what this must be doing to our children. What do I say when my son asks me about it? Why is it here? What does it eat? What exactly is the purpose of this Bee-Cow and why has it been thrust into our lives?

I think that Bee-Cow will actually be the undoing of this evil conspiracy . Just glancing around my son's nursery I see hippos in raincoats and bears who happen to be physicians, but nothing as crazy-ass as Bee-Cow. They upped the ante just a little too much and I'm calling their bluff: Bee-Cow's sole purpose is to riddle our children's tiny brains full of psychedelic imagery to the point where they can't function in normal company. It's no wonder the youth of today enjoy bludgeoning their minds with recreational drugs. They are searching for the true nature of Bee-Cow in the drug induced hazes of happy-fun-land. I can't say that I blame them.

So, here is my message to Carter's Cartel. I am on to you people. I know your game and I will not rest until the world knows the truth about Bee-Cow. But first, it's almost time for the two o-clock breastfeeding and I hear it's going to be a double feature. I certainly don't want to miss that!

You forgot to take your medication again, didn't you.

Actually to me it looks like Mrs. Bee Zebra Bear Flower.

Hysterical post! Thanks for taking the time.

~Ulrika~

It may be just me, but it appears that Bee-Cow has breasts. Bees don't have breasts, and cows have an udder. I think there is something else in this cattle/insectoid hybrid.

You are so on the money. Just wait until the kid's night-terrors kick in. To this day, if something even resembles Grover, I break out in a cold sweat and vomit!

That's what I saw when I first looked at it.

And to Ushuaia Tokugawa, you're not getting enough sleep are you? Ask one of your relatives to come watch the baby for 12 hours and you and your wife can just lay down and sleep. It will do you a world of good.

This is why kids are afraid of clowns.

If I'm not mistaken you're in for this soon as well.

Looking forward to hearing your take on the conspiracy.

*shudders to wonder where you are going to this day that people resemble Grover*

well if you dont rectify the cow bee situation fast you can look forward to your child collecting dolls like this in 15 years:

/me runs off to make a grover-oid AV for panda

Hilarious post.

-Ghoti

Yup.

Should be "Double D Cow".

Does honey come out of.... oh, nevermind

If the parrental units of today are as sharp as the parrental units of yesterday then our children would have a nice 100% crib diet, Don't get me wrong baby cribs can be a source of food when times get tough, says my mother after I ate mine at the age of 4,

Either and or, BumbleCows shouldn't be blessed with Double D's,

if ALL of humanity was aware of this obstract Bee-cow-pamala-anderson-look-alike wouldn't exist today, neither would gibs, (meat by product of DOOM (tm). )

In closeing I would like to say, We were one BIG accident of the universe's non existant attention span,

Thank you, thank you,

Argh! our daughter just started night-terrors last wednesday.. fun.. not!

Only the once so far so *fingers crossed*!

I feel for you. Good luck!

Ushuaia, I feel your pain. There *is* a reason why my medicine chest is drive-thru!

I would suggest somebody make a Bee-Cow AV, but I'm not sure what its body would look like ... or if it even has a body.

LMAO. Hillarious. I wonder if Bee-cow was cooked up in the same opium-den that Pikachu crawled out of? He does look like a lost pokemon to me. Yes, the Bee-cow-boobies trying to appear footlike ain't foolin' nobody, a psychologist would have a field day with that imagery. Thanks for the upcoming nightmares.

I initially alleged this creature of being a "Bee-Cow" off my first impression. I had since decided that it wasn't a very accurate description for this amalgamation and had sometimes regretted not crafting a different appellation for the beast (although none ever readily came to mind).

However, certain information has recently come my way which not only affirms my initial assumptions but also may actually give some insight into the origins of this not-so-mythical creature.

If my theory is correct, soon after catching wind of my plans to publicly uncover the evil conspiracy behind Bee-Cow Fisher-Price quickly removed this item from retail shelves. As a subsequent gesture of defiance towards me the replacement product was emblazoned with imagery that while seemingly innocuous to the casual observer is actually much more sinister.

The subject matter this time is unmistakable: a bee and a cow frolicking together in a pasture in front of a red barn ... or is that all there is to it? After applying several sessions of sleep-deprived brain storming to the situation I believe I have uncovered the next layer of their odious plot.

Through duplicitous market research Fisher-Price has determined that infants and toddlers respond most favorably to the innocent charms of bumble-bees and moo-cows. Armed with this information Fisher-Price established a state of the art genetic laboratory.

This is not a picture of an innocent barnyard encounter! This is an artistic representation of the first bovine/insect interbreeding program depicted in front of Fisher-Price Genetic Research Labs - birthplace of the real Bee-Cow!

Bee-Cow is a genetically engineered life form created to captivate and ensnare our children when they are most impressionable. Once unveiled, I suspect Bee-Cow will be bigger than Barney and SpongeBob combined. Bee-Cow may even be the Anti-Christ, but I'm not certain.

I am certain that we should all be on the lookout for this abomination. If you do encounter it I suggest you not look it directly in the eyes. Also, I would be wary of any milk or honey for which you are not 100% certain of the origin. You should also always wash your hands after using the restroom (this may be a completely unrelated statement but I feel that it can't be stressed enough).

Remember folks, the truth is out there.

I'm going to go with zebra bear as that looks nothing like a cow or a bee.

I'm not really sure why you think Pikachu is bizarre, it looks pretty average as far as fantasy animals go. If you want to argue that Pokemon are the product of drugs, you should pick something like girafarig (A pokemon whose name is a palindrome, and whose rear end is a sneering, sentient AND PSYCHIC entity).

Girafarig:

-And before you ask why I know so much about Pokemon, a better question might be how is it that I've watched many episodes of Teletubbies alone and sober.

Ever wonder what those so-called toys were up to when you weren't watching? Wonder no more; forewarned is forearmed (are arms useful against this threat?).