Would you be a friend of the devil?

I'm trying to help someone out. She's a friend. She has a stalker.

This person won't leave her be, takes and sends pictures of her all the time, and hovers around her usually at a distance. She tends to see this person as a friend, but, in reality I just see someone abusing how naive she is. She sees this person as a friend and can rarely say anything bad about this person. It's all very confusing.

Seeing the actions of this person, I'd assume any right minded individual would simply mute and stay away. Even little things like spending time with her friends gets interrupted by drama from this person. More pictures sent. Hugely mean-spirited IMs. Just loads and loads of emodrama.

But, she still wants to be this person's friend.

I almost feel like I'm dealing with either a great manipulator or a cult follower. It's like she needs to be de-programmed to step away from this friendship. She's just too willing to give people the benefit of the doubt.

I really don't know how to help her anymore.

some dont want help

ya know ...

she likes it

Maybe she enjoys the attention and thats her enjoyment in this game. Theres a lot of different reasons to "why" she may keep this person as a friend. But I think more importantly when it boils down to it, its up to her. Perhaps you take it a bit personally because you like her and you feel this person is a threat or you just don't like them. I would say jealousy but its not my place to judge.

Back to your comments tho, I don't think its your place to tell people who they should be friends with. If you continue to point these things out to her and they do no good then just honor her decision if your really a friend of hers. Otherwise I think you have the capability of causing the same amount of drama that you see by pointing everything out all the time.

Just my 2 cents.

umm no

I think its great that she was looking out for her friend...

and yes the person is a freak and needs dealt with

You cannot help anyone who is not willing to help themselves.

You haven't indicated that she has asked for "help". If she doesn't think there is a problem, then "help" will likely be unwelcome. Just like in a RL unhealthy situation, the desire to change has to come from within.

Don't try to "fix" her, just ignore the drama as best you can and be her friend. In the long run, that is what she's gonna need.

From my view you can do more or less nothing. Think on history or present phenomens where even whole populations of whole countries are friend with the devil.

Hm. You could be patient like a doctor for mental health issues and putting all your life-experience, philosophical, psychological and sociological skills together and talking to her like a veterinarian to an ill hippo, but even this helps very rarely and if then it needs long time and as long the victim of the manipulator feels not being under serious pressure itself, it is hard to reach some - for wise decisions necessary - brain-cells of the victim.

Soonest when the victim feels that it is a victim, you can start to help effective.

Maybe her friend doesn't need help. The op stated at the end.. "I just don't know how to help her anymore."

Why does someone need a caretaker in a game. The person is an adult I assume. So they can make their own decision on who to be friends with or not. Apparently they like some aspects of the person around otherwise they'd have muted and banned already.

I'm kind of getting the impression that the OP stating to be the "friend" thinks shes stupid for still being friends with this so called stalker. I suppose some could look at it like a friend just being protective and looking out for another. But I don't think by making the friend look stupid is the best way to show your a friend of theirs.

BTW I have no idea of the depth of friendships or who the people are who are involved. I'm just responding to a public post.

I'm just worried.

In some cases, a person with low self-esteem may believe that he can't turn down others' offers of friendship; he should be lucky to have anyone paying attention to him, even bad attention. In some cases, one might be afraid to reject another's friendship, for fear that the stalking or other bad behavior will escalate and become worse than it already is.

You can't help someone who doesn't want help, but you can try to understand and be there for the person when that person does want help.

Agreed. You cannot rescue everyone, no matter how close you are to them.

Life is about experiences, good and bad. And really, everyone needs to learn on their own, the hard way... or not.

The best you can do is be there for support, to help in the aftermath, and when asked. There is little point in stressing yourself to the point that you can be of no assistance when it is actually asked for.

My thoughts, at any rate.

Just like in RL, sometimes the best you can do is just be there for her and be supportive. (Of her, not the situation.)

I would be careful about trying to move her away from him - I think it could be very easy for him to spin that into "Immy is trying to keep us apart" - but especially if she asks, you can be an objective outside viewpoint. ("No, you're not crazy, that WAS over the line..." "It's your call, but I would have serious issues if someone I was friends with did that." etc.)

Whatever you do, though, their relationship is between them. Be there for your friend when you can, but don't let yourself be sucked into the drama. You can't fix it.

/me sends Immy a hug.

i don't think there is anything you can do. she must need attention on some sort of level that this meets.

/me would only be friends with the devil if it looked like Immy

As long as your friend knows how you feel about it, and that you are there to help, that is all you can do.

A friend of mine who went through this was afraid to take the guy off her friends' list. We talked about it for months. (I underlined the word "months" on my screen)

Finally she got fed up and started putting her foot down. Of course, she had to do that over and over and over.

One thing I'd say is to not push your friend too hard. If she's not ready, you don't want to push her away from you.

.

I thought it was an universal truth that women had terrible taste in men?

Pep (She should ask him for some commitment; that would get rid of him pdq! )

PS It isn't me, is it?

Let her learn from trial and error. If someone were to constantly intervene on her behalf she wouldn't learn and grow. No victimhood.

I would not be friends with the devil. I would, however, have some courtesy, sympathy, and taste - all my well-learned qualities.

... in the pale moonlight?

If you've raised kids you probably already know how this game plays out. Just be ready to catch her.

I recommend donning a Grendel's Medusa or zombie Avatar. Your real friends won't care what you look like and the stalker will lose his fixation object and go away. Don't you wish you could do that in RL?

THIS!

Be her friend, hang out as much as you can without becoming over-aggravated and then when the friend from hell conflagrates and makes a mess, help her clean herself up. Rinse and repeat 3 or 4 times. I was "your friend" in this scenario for a few years, even though I'm way too old to get sucked into the drama relationships I did, umm let's see.. yep 4 times I think. I have a friend who has watched it happen over and over. She great with giving me tactical advise. "No, don't sent that IM", "yeah that's a better way to say it" but for the most part she lets me learn my own lessons the hard way and I love her to death for that.

I'll tolerate alot from people I consider friends, but when it comes to harm, they can eventually be written off... or at least severely limited in the harm they can do.

perhaps YOUR friend is like this...

pointing out the harm being done is the only likely way to get her to limit it.

Just by being there for her.. perhaps she sees something you are missing, or perhaps she just never wants to give up. Either way, all you really can do is be there as a friend, a soft shoulder and friendly ear when she needs it.


I'll try to stop sending so many pictures to you though... ;P

As it turns out... She decided to cut ties with her stalker today. We're not sure how things will turn out, but, the easiest means of harassment have now been removed.

Immy, I'm glad to hear it. I wish her - and you - the best.