A question about meeting and making friends?

I'm not sure if this is a silly question but i really felt i should finally ask as i'm getting little annoyed and frustrated with myself.

Ok so i've been playing SL now for about 8 or so months and love it but my issue is i really don't have many friends even though i've been here awhile. My list has a pitiful 16 people and only 4 of those do i talk to.

I can be quite shy when i first meet a person but i am also very friendly.

Plus most of my friends are people i've met at a club i work at and while a couple are great the rest just want me for one thing which i'm getting a little sick of as you can imagine. So please please please i'm begging you help me figure out where to go.

My experience cannot be described as typical, but from it, and from what I learn from others, people don't normally have a long list of good friends - friends who we associate and hang out with a lot. We can get a lot of people in our friends list but most of them are just aquaintances. I wouldn't think that you having 4 good friends after 8 months is all that untypical.

Hanging out at infohubs and places where plenty of people go is sure to boost your friends list, and some good freinds could come from it.

Shikia, can I ask what you REALLY want? More friends doesn't mean much - good friends is much more important. If you stay in one club most of the time then you are going to get stale, particularly if the clientele are more interested in seeing more of you than seeing more of you . . .

I would suggest two things:

1. Improve your profile so that you are more explicit about what you want and what you don't want. It is very limited at the moment and does not give people any sort of hook on which to hang the start of a sensible conversation. If you like I will help you with that if you give me a call inworld - I am also from the UK and am around most evenings between about 8pm and midnight. And I won't hit on you I promise.

2. Once you have decided what you want and explained it in your profile go to Sweethearts, Franks or one of the other "pick-up joints", ahem, romantic ballrooms and hang around reading others profiles until you find one that strikes a chord sufficiently that you can introduce yourself, or you might even get a civilised IM - it * does * happen occasionally. You can't lose anything except time.

There are lots of other things that might be suggested as well, like joining groups with similar interests, but I could talk about that when sorting out your profile, if you decide to take up my offer.

Pep (being nice to offset his nastiness to researchers)

Hi Shikia

One of the things I like about SL is that people can't see your friends list like they can on Facebook and similar social networking sites. There's no need here to do the popularity contest thing and collect 300 "friends" (which often means five friends and 295 vague acquaintances). If you have four good friends then cherish them. If you have people on your friends list who you don't like then drop them - it's not a competition.

As far as finding places to meet new people, that really depends on your interests. Often the best places are not clubs but just hang-out-and-chat type places. Off the top of my head, you could try the Forum Hangout, NCI or Cafe Trivia. Sandboxes can be friendly and the things you and others are building can be good conversation points. Also, think about the things that interest you in RL and SL and do a search for related groups and events. Go to places and events that you are interested in for themselves and you may find that friendships follow as you will meet people with interests in common.

good luck

Well......you sound like me except I'm just a loner by nature.

Seriously......you just have to expand your horizons. After 3 years in SL I can safely say that clubs are really not the place to make friends. The coolest people I've met so far have been a result of my wandering around and exploring.....
Live music events are very cool...... and there's always tons of people.......you could also search discussion events and see if there's anything happening in a topic that interests you. Browse art galleries......coffee shops.....
Use search to look for places that interest you.....clubs are a dime a dozen in SL and most aren't even that interesting to look at. But there's soooooo so so much more going on in the virtual community and that's where ya make friends.

Two things.....I just found a really neat cafe and market place in a sim called Ethereality. I believe if you look up 'starbrooks' in search you'll find it.....or just look for Ethereality on the map. It's one of the more appealing social places I've found and they have these fun interactive games in the cafe.....hangman....trivia....even an old electronic simon game. LOL Anyway...it's a nice place....you should check it out. And don't forget the Forum Hangout in world....there's wonderful folks there!

Secondly....look for groups of interest and join. I joined a photography group and have made some good pals......and just recently a 'women's business association' group I joined.....has become active. We're having our first official meeting at my studio this friday.......so yet another chance to meet some like minded (genuine) people.

Oh....and IM me any time you like.....I'm sort of a hermit but I enjoy meeting people and helping them out~!!

I've met some great people at clubs, especially most recently.

There is no particular formula for meeting people. I find live music events to be a horrible place for meeting people because they are all busy tuning into the event. But maybe that is just my experience, the same way you think clubs are horrible for meeting people.

Ultimately, it is possible to meet people wherever you go - i rarely meet people while shopping, but i do club a lot and have many friends from there.


Shikia, the best thing you could do is this:

Join the Forum Cartel group. And get to know people in the group chat because people are often chatting there. And then get either the Hang Out HUD or Mystitool plugin and you can see who is at the hangout and drop in when many people are there. This is one the best ways to meet a new crowd of people.

Since 2008 all my friends have come from the forum and clubs.

Good luck!

One of the best ways to make friends in SL is to find places that you feel comfortable at and hang out there. When you meet new people this way, you have something in common right off the bat - you both favor this special place and enjoy it. There are places all over SL dedicated to certain themes and atmosphereres, those are great places to meet people that you will already share a common bond with.

Hi

After two years of SL I give you an answer that might be a bit different.

SL is like RL in many ways. You need to find a purpose in your SL for yourself. The most important thing is, don't be dependent on others! Find out what YOU like to do. Stop looking at others, what they do and how many friends and partners they (apparantly) have. Stop focusing on the number friends. Or worse, don't focus on *one* specific person. Waiting all night for Mr./Ms. Wonderful to login is nothing but a miserable SL.

I see you are a photoshop lover. Have you tried to create clothing? Maybe you like to learn building as well and start your own business? Go to courses for that! The search function allows for listing events.

SL offers many games and gameshows. If you are into that maybe try Primtionary. It's a gameshow where people try to guess words by someone building them out on a stage. It's great fun and it teaches you to build in a fun way. Look in my picks, I have the LM there.

You can do all sorts of sports in SL, from snowboarding to parachuting or sailing. There are even competitions you can participate in. One of the funniest things is Giant Snail Racing. Look it up and try it! It's even being broadcasted on TV.

Get a decent vehicle and cruise the mainland roads. No need for a fancy 500 prim car. A motorcycle will do. Discover new places and new builds. You might run into random people and take them for a ride. Great fun!

Or try roleplaying. SL offers a huge variety of roleplay games. Find a theme you like and try it out.

Soon enough you will find yourself in the midst of many interesting people, and some of them will eventually become your friends. But more important, you will have a purpose for your OWN time in SL, not being dependent on others!

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This may help.

Hi everyone, thank you all of you for your responses and i'll definenetly try those places suggested and to Pserendipity and Milla i'd love too chat with you both thank you for the offer

Monalia, i never thought about it that way and i think i am kinda doing that in a way looking for Mr/Ms right lol, i did actually try clothing creation in a old avi with no results and with the market as saturated as it is right now i don't feel there is much point lol but thanks for the suggestion and building ooooo definently not me... i just can't seem too get the hang of prims even after months of trying and i just gave up in the end.

Giant Snail Racing sounds funny i might have too check that out, exploring is not really my thing... i find it rather boring and depressing too do it on my own. I have tried roleplay in the past of and the only one that actually appealed too me fully was Gor but i'm long past that now and it doesn't really appeal too me anymore.

I am the wrong person to be answering this question, since getting me to hang out with people is sort of like convincing me that brussels sprouts are actually good in some way.

But if I did want a lot of freinds to hang out with, I could do so through some of the groups I'm involved with - the progressive rock folks, the classical music groups, the Forum Cartel, and the aeronautical fanatics (for my alt), etc. Group IM's are another great way to feel involved. I greatly enjoy those without having to actually hang out.

I really need to overcome this recluse thing because others here are so bright and entertaining, I do enjoy events with large groups of people. I still need a lot of work on brussels sprouts however.

Hell, Wes, I was just thinking of inviting you to join my group "Better Than Broccoli" . . .

Pie ( . . . but I probably won't be able to convince you now)

friends list equals at least 250 and only a handful would I consider true real friends.

the rest are acquaintances, and/or business related

2.5 years and I think I have maybe 20 on my list.. maybe 5 of them I converse with regularily, and only 2 I would consider a great friends.
Not only does being shy tend to keep me from opening up like I'd like to around most others, but it also has the nasty side-effect of making me appear unfriendly, stuckup, and/or bitchy... none of which are really true. Well, the bitch part might be, but someone has to earn a visit from her. Combine that with my blunt nature and sarcastic sense of humor, and it's not hard to see why people I meet think I'm an ass lol.

You made me look at my own lists. I have removed people but my contact cards show I have contacted and friended 1047 people since i got here - 856 men have friended me. 58 people are on my active list including Dana Hickman. I dont "need" to contact her because I know she is always there if I need her.

Friends are a mainstay of sl so make as many as you like, but dont get too frightened of being alone here. For me sl is "downtime" in real - it's nice to be quiet with a few chats from friends.

Need things to do? Well sl is a solitary world for many of us but you will find us dotted around. I like surprise visitors - I am usually at 1500 metres above Chaska. Catch me if you can. Jig.

One point I would like to make - don't remove a friend immediately from your contact list. A woman did taht teh other day once I left her gallery and it was most rude, especially since I was being nice for a change.

I prefer to think of it as reserved or introverted rather than shy. I'm not sure why. Maybe too many people in real life have said "don't be shy" to me. Makes me wonder if they tell people "don't be fat" or "don't be young" or whatever. And yes, people can think we are uppity. But what they don't realize is introverts like me really need that downtime away from people to recharge their batteries, while extroverts need other people around to recharge theirs.

I wonder if a larger percentage of SL people are a little introverted compared to the number in real life. After all, truly outgoing people might be -- I don't know -- out and going rather than sitting at a computer. I wonder if this contributes some to the lonely empty vistas in world.

In all my life, I mean this most sincerely, I have never understood "shy" - You are right thatt I as an extravert need to be with people to recharge myself. BUT what IS shyness?? I think I asked you this once before. I sit here after I have exhausted myself in reality and I still cant stop typing and extroverting and performing and ...

I was shopping today in real and I was booming, along hugging and happy and larfing away coz it felt so right. Extrovertion

One thing about extroverts I just notice - we use "I" a lot.

Shy: Hmm, so tell me, what's it really??

Can give you all the definitions, but as they state, it tends to be used to cover many situations. For me, shyness is the feeling of apprehension when I meet new people, primarily since I am not sure how to act. In SL, that has been largely overcome to the point most just tune me out or pay me to go away now.. IRL, I will tend to fall back on a couple of personality constructs I have build for interaction with people, the primary one being the overly techie geektress that just doesn't do personal interactions.

Websters: synonyms shy , bashful , diffident , modest , coy mean not inclined to be forward. shy implies a timid reserve and a shrinking from familiarity or contact with others <shy with strangers>. bashful implies a frightened or hesitant shyness characteristic of childhood and adolescence <a bashful boy out on his first date>. diffident stresses a distrust of one's own ability or opinion that causes hesitation in acting or speaking <felt diffident about raising an objection>. modest suggests absence of undue confidence or conceit <modest about her success>. coy implies a pretended shyness <put off by her coy manner>.

From my perception, it is mostly about being scared of new people, either from fear of their actions, fear of ridicule, feal of looking stupid/uncool, etc.

What Kokoro said, yes^. I had a longish answer, but I don't want to stray too far from the thread topic. Here's my short version.

Shyness is not feeling truly yourself until you are BY yourself - and though liking people, you may find it physically and mentally draining to be around them very long because you worrry too much about how they perceive you. Of course dancing and hiking can be draining too, so being around people isn't necessarily all a bad thing.

It is easy for extroverts to just say "don't worry then," but that would involve a fundamental change in personality. I firmly believe this is a personality trait, not a disease to be cured. There is nothing wrong with going off into a room by yourself and learning to draw a better illustration or whatever if that's what gets a person buzzed. People may perceive it as a negative trait because we are outnumbered something like 4 to 1 I have read.

Anyway - sorry for getting so far off topic but thank you, Jig, for being curious enough to ask. I think it does semi-relate to the friends list issue.

You just noticed?

Pie (Doesn't the fact the "I" on your keyboard is worn away give you a hint?)

Somebody truly shy would have the backspace key worn off instead

Here is an interesting blog post that is somewhat related to your question: http://www.pradprathivi.com/latest/is-second-life-too-big

It raises some interesting issues that as SL grows bigger, some residents may take on more of a protectionist psyche in that they might be a bit wary of the motivations of new people they may meet - sort of like the perceived friendliness of small towns versus a large urban centre.

Personally, I don't mind chatting with random strangers both in rl and sl. I'm the kinda person that say "Hi, how are you?" in elevators while most people have their eyes fixated on their shoes and they just think I'm a weirdo. I know not everyone is as comfortable in that way but many folks have already offered some great suggestions such as having a detailed profile with your interests and seeking out groups/sims for what interests you. You could also try SL related social networking sites such as plurk or twitter and make your presence know in places like the forum or something like http://community.livejournal.com/second_lifers/. You could also try helping out new people to get their bearings in sl .. for instance, I have a notecard embedded with a bunch of links, lms and freebie items I hand out to helpless noobs I might see struggling in my travels and have met some great people that way. There are also some really great teaching places in SL that are community oriented that will help improve your building skills if you're interested in that. Focus on things that interest you and you will have something in common right away and you can work from there.

Sure you'll meet some dorks along that way that you might not get along with but those are a lot easier to get rid of than in rl so focus on the good stuff and have fun

my backspace key is worn and broke

Shikia, anytime you want to come play with me and hang out and be goofy, i'm always open to making new friends.

also, the forum cartel hangout is a great place to hang and meet poeple and just be yourself - and no be concerned with sexual advances - although some of those crazies do tend to get a little fresh... not me though. no, i am very prim and proper. no poddy mouth here.

Not meaning to stay OT, but your mention of "downtime" really hits home. Do you ever find yourself getting grumpy when you DON'T get that needed downtime? I've caught myself being just nasty on the rare occasion because people won't leave me alone when I need it, both in SL and RL. How would one go about explaining this to an extrovert, who by this persons very nature has a hard time grasping the concept and thinks it's just "wierd"? I contantly get the "that's not normal" comment and I'm at a loss on how to help them see it's only not normal for people like them.