Be Honest and hurt no one

Recently I had a sad experience. A friend of mine in SL had been partnered with another AV and was totally in Love. There was talk of her coming out to live with him and they seemed to have a very loving relationship…..HOWEVER…(as we all know…)Things changed ..the girl AV was seen less and less and contact with the male AV decreased to almost zilch….. As we all know this is a common occurrence. But my friend was devastated and totally heart broken over it. He would go to extraordinary lengths to contact his SL partner to no avail.

Most of us understand that Second Life is a GAME It is an environment where one can be whoever and what ever you want to be…hence the word Second Life. But I’d like to remind people that there are people in this world who are gentle and gullible and whose feelings and lives in Real life can be affected to a devastating degree by the lies that some people tell. To me this is inexcusable under any circumstances and the cruelty of the lies told leaves me cold.

The Female AV had spoken to the Male AV on the phone and they communicated by email regularly. Then she disappeared saying that she had Liver cancer and required a transplant. Although she spoke with another friend in SL she stated she had no phone, no home address and very little internet access.

When the Partner of the Female AV found this out, he was beside himself with worry, trying all ways and means to contact her, even ringing the police in her district to check on her as she also stated she had no family. I know the Male AV in RL and could see his distress and worried for his mental health, I still do in fact !

Then he found out that she was using an ALT and had remarried and mixed in a completely different circle of friends. He was so upset and inconsolable. Unfortunately due to his distress he made some tragic decisions and now has been banned from Second Life.

I ask only this…if you want to end a relationship with someone have the decency and kindness to at least send a Dear John letter stating it is over. Don’t make up terrible lies that will affect another persons/Avs real life. It is cruel beyond belief that a person could do such a wicked thing.

I know my friend was naive and I know he made a terrible mistake. BUT in all of this he really WAS the victim of an evil, cruel woman who I believe should be taken to task publicly….and if it weren’t for the dictatorial rules of Second Life I would meet with her face to face with her new group of friends and make sure they new what an evil and low act she has done to a man who really didn’t deserve that sort of treatment !!!!

I hope this Female Av is reading this post and I hope she will hang her head in shame, but people that do such wicked things have no guilt. Hopefully others will read this and take it on for some serious contemplation.....think before you hurt !!!

First, you might want to close one of the two threads and second, I disagree.

It doesn't matter if you tell the truth or lie, eventually, you will hurt someone. That's life. Just like it's life to eventually move on.

Does that make what the lady did right? By no means. That was an underhanded way of handling a situation, not to mention it caused greater hurt THAN telling the truth would have.

I've seen folks in RL make up all sorts of lies to get out of relationships also. RL or SL, people are people, some good and some not.

honesty and the hurting of others go hand in hand. so no, I disagree.

as a general rule you can be honest and hurt a lot of people, or lie, and hurt a few... me I like to bring the pain, because then at least you know what's what =)

When I first joined SL, I learned very quickly that almost everybody lies. It's a sad truth. I can understand when people play a role or just tell little white lies. But speaking of liver cancer and all the other crap goes way too far.

About two years ago a female friend (at least I thought she was a friend) suddenly reveiled that she was severely disabled in RL, very sick and didn't have long to live. Soon afterwards I got the word that she had died in RL. Some of the older residents here might remember this. I was devastated. The next few weeks it came out that the entire story was false, and that the female friend was actually a man.

I should have known, I was too naive and so were many other friends of this 'girl'. This avatar caused a lot of pain and sorrow to many people and by doing so destroyed my faith in all SL residents.

Whatever you might think of SL (a game, roleplay, hobby), there is NO justification for making up these kind of lies. People who do that are morally sick. I've learned not to be so naive, got sceptic about almost any RL drama story I hear nowadays. Unfortunately. Just because of one morally sick person.

I tend to tell the truth, always. And I will keep on doing that.

I think you understood where I was coming from and thanks for sharing your experience. People are people and there will be wicked people and there will be good people...we are imperfect all and everyone of us.

But all we can do is try to make those of our species who thrive on manipulation and degredation of others to just think ...how would if feel if it happened to them?????

Its a sad sad story and my SL friend may not recover from it...but I really had to vent my anger and disgust in the female AV involved....

Thankyou all who took the time to listen. And yes I've read your thoughts and ALL of them have such great valid points....

Hopefully my friend will read this one day...and reflect on how he could have done things in a more constructive way.

Why cant the girl have her alt and that partner and have your friend and be his partner? That sounds sensible to me. Share each other.

There wasn't a "Yes *and* no" option.

Pep (Nor pie. )

This is not really an answer to me it seems like its just much the same of playing games with ppls feeling. The women should of had the decency to own up and say things were not working for her. It seem to some since they see SL as a game then the AVs are just part of that game so no feelings are involved. Since you said this couple also had outside contact I feel this is even lower on her part.

Your friends need mental help, not a SL girlfriend.

It's a GAME, if your that sad, pathetic and lonely you come on SL to try and find love cause your RL is failing so badly, get mental help you really do need it.

I don't think this assement is fair, kind or correct. SL may be a game for you, and that's all well and good. But it isn't necessarily a game to others. I certainly do not think of it at such. For me it is an experience; a different way of interacting with *a* world and with people. I never come out of SL thinking, "That was a good game", but instead think, "That was a good experience" (or "bad experience" if it was bad).

If you really do experience SL as only a game, does that colour how you treat people you meet there? After all, if it's only a game then there's no one to get hurt ... or so you think. On the other hand, I wonder what you miss if, to you, it's only a game. The cruelty of your reply suggests it might be better for others if you saw it less that way and remembered there are real people behind the names.

Frankly, even if someone does come to SL because they are lonely or because their RL is beyond their control, so what? At least they are trying to find solutions, or ways to cope. Good for them.

BTW, if you do get a kick out of gratuitous cruelty, at least get the damn grammar right: it is "you're" not "your".

Caring for another person is not a sign of sadness, loneliness, failure, or need of mental health care. These are the things that normal healthy people do, and what type of technology is used to communicate through is irrelevant.

Those who shrug responsibility off by conveniently calling some social interaction a "game" cause the problem when they unfortunately come into contact with people who are more honest in their dealings with others.

Edited to add, after reading Kay's response, that yes...your grammar sucks, and I detest that.

Well I decided not to worry about the one person who wrote about requiring mental help etc etc...it showed lack of thought about the situation and sadly a great deal of immaturity. Perhaps they didnt read the original post started by me or just didnt understand it? But the person has a right to say what they think....

Let me ask them this....why do THEY come in...and how do THEY feel when they are hurt by someone...

All the other posts have been so constructive and may I say a "damn good read"

I think this set-up is fine as long as all parties agree. It's when one sets out to mislead and lie and intentionally hurt others that it becomes a problem. Whether you see SL as a game or not, there's no excuse for the lies. It never ceases to amaze me how cruel some can be.

And those who lie and cheat always use the "it's only a game" when they've been found out, like it's a "get out of jail free" card or something.

Wait a minute 'he spoke to her on the phone'? How did that work? He had someone else talk for him?

Can't you love two people at teh same time? I do in real. I dont see the problem. Its not like I'm gonna marry either of them when this happens and they know it. I think getting down and totally with just one person is seriously insane and unexpectedly stupid considering teh heartaches that flesh is heir to. I dont expect any bloke to believe they are alone in my heart. Make terms clear.

I tottaly see her side of it,if he made a choices to do something to get banned from SL .....sounds unstable to me....I am sure she got this feeling from him also.
Calling the police and all that is just part of this person unstable ways.
Sorry normal people Do not get this attached over the net.
SL is not a great place for finding your love,thow it happens every day and some take it to RL.That is all good and great,but the unstable mind can not handle the distance and the never really knowing what that person is doing in their RL.
I think there is more to this story they your friend is telling you...

SL = fun game
SL= great place to learn and meet others
SL= bad place for truth...(never seems to come out)

If some one told me the liver cancer thing ,I think I figure it out,they want to be so far out of this relationship they where willing to tell their partner they might be dead if they do not hear back from them........


Pluss the whole thing of doing stuff that gets you banned really says alot.normal people move on and find new love.People that might need a lil help tend to go off the deep end....

Just curious Jig, is that a 2 way street? Is it ok if he has a bit of fluff on the side, too, or must he be faithful to you only?

Well you know some do think of SL as a game, much the same as WOW or other computer game. They honestly feel that way about it, as if the avatars are not powered by human beings, but just cartoons or something. Does RP have something to do with this? I wonder. I always figured that I don't consider SL a game, but a social interaction, where I've made some really good friends, BTW, because I don't RP. If I did, would I feel differently, look at other avatars with a colder eye and no human compassion or feelings in my heart?

Or do I only wonder about this because I don't RP, myself, and don't know what the hell I am talking about?

Are you kidding me? *shakes head* The double standards here are amusing.

I don't RP myself, although I'd like to if only I knew how (too uptight to let go, I guess). But like you, Treasure, I consider SL to be social interaction rather than a game - that and the exploration of a whole other world.

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with seeing SL as a game. There isn't, and I doubt that attitude can be a choice one way or the other: some will see it as a game, others not. Both are correct ways to see it ... correct for that person. But I do wonder if seeing it as a game does make it more likely for some to err on the side of unkindness in their interactions with others? Maybe it does; maybe not.

I only posted in anger earlier because I thought Nyx had responded with needless cruelty. Nyx's point may or may not have been valid (I think it was not), but either way it could have been put with more consideration.

Her point was her opinion, which she's entitled to, but not entitled to tell everyone else that's how it should be. Any of us can only speak for ourselves. She can tell me 'IT'S ONLY A GAME' every 3 minutes for the rest of my life, and it wouldn't change anything about how *I* view SL. It's her opinion, not mine. And, I guess, looking at it like that, those who DO view SL as a game, have the right to view its' participants as game pieces, too. That's what's hard to accept. /me waves, hey, there's a person here.........

all I have to say is bad karma saying you have cancer to get out of relationship.... actually to lie about that for any reason is bad karma

A few years back I had to tell this guy I wasn't interested in him because of the following red flags.

Red flag# 1: When I logged on, he would instantly im me before I even had a chance to materialize. If I didn't respond within the time he EXPECTED me too, more ims would start coming.
Red flag #2: When we did spend time together first thing he wanted was to have sex nothing else but that. That was a put off. I told him time after time my sl experience is not confined to sex as I enjoy other activities has to offer.
Red flag #3: I would ask him what activities other than sex does he likes,. His response, well Sable I like spending all my time with you.
Red flag #4: He would become a more possessive if I was spending time with my other male friends. I saw him only as a friend but he viewed things much differently.
Red flag #5: He would constantly ask me do I like him. Do I like spending time with him and so on.
Red flag #6: His clingy, controlling, possessive behavior mirrored my ex rl husband's behavior. And this vibe came from someone that I haven't seen what their rl self looks like.

During our talks, he told me he was still a virgin and was very shy irl. So I took that into consideration for a long time. But his clingy behavior was very annoying to me. Finally, after another series of do you like, do you like spending time with me questions, why didnt you respond to my ims. I told him that he is quite apparent he is looking for a girl friend. I explained to him at this time in my sl life I don't want to be tied down and I am not girl friend materal. I couldn't do the friends with benefits thing with him due to his behavior.

I know this was painful to him as it was difficult for me to convey this to him. Perhaps the lady that is mentioned in OP's posting tried to tell his friend in certain ways and he didn't want to see it. The spending less and less time in sl is a dead giveaway. We don't know because we haven't heard her side of the story. I agree she should not have lied to him. The terminal sickness/cancer thing never works. For the life of me I don't understand why folks uses this as an excuse to terminate a relationship. To me, it would have an opposite affect because that kind of lie causes aadditional emotions to surface.

Yes, you are right. Personally I don't object to such holding that attitude; it is their acting on it that bothers me.