See the lovely lakes.

STOP!

It's SILLY.

I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries.

She turned me into a NEWT!
(Well, I got better...)
BURN her anyway!!!

Now, go away or i shall taunt you a second time.

"shut up, BIG NOSE"

"That's no ordinary rabbit, that's the most foul, cruel and bad tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!"

Wewease Wodewick!
Wewease Wodewick!

Wewease Bwian!
Wewease Bwian!

A brontosaurus is thin at one end, much much thicker in the middle, and then thin again at the far end.

Follow the gourd! Follow the gourd!

This isn't an argument.
Yes it is.
No it isn't.
Yes it is.
No it isn't.

---------

Better get a bucket, I'm going to throw up.

This thread has mastered the art of not being seen.

(Well, until now.)

=SV

Unfortunately this one is only from memory:-


"He said you were a stream of bat's piss."

Samuel Johnstone: (Thinking rapidly) "What I meant, your majesty, was that you were like a shaft of gold while all about you was darkness."

spam spam spam spam
spam spam spam spam

You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together!

# THE HOLY GRAIL

Arthur approaches an isolated castle guarded by soldiers ( #1 & #2 ) .....

S #1: Where'd you get the coconuts?
A : We found them.
S #1: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
A : What do you mean?
S #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.
A : The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
S #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
A : Not at all. They could be carried.
S #1: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
A: It could grip it by the husk!
S #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
A: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
S #1: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
A: Please!
S #1: Am I right?
A: I'm not interested!
S #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!
S #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.
S #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that.
A: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!
S #1: But then of course a-- African swallows are non-migratory.
S #2: Oh, yeah...
S #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...

HIS GOURD! THIS IS HIS GOURD!

Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Robin.
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken,
To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!

His head smashed in and his heart cut out
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off
And his pen--...

Brave Sir Robin ran away,
Bravely ran away, away.
When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.
Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about
And gallantly, he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet,
He beat a very brave retreat,
Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin.

He is packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering up
And chickening out and pissing off home,
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.

"I'm sorry, but im going to have to shoot you now."

Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and breakfast cereals.

Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."

ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.

FRENCH GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see.

GALAHAD: He says they've already got one!

ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one?

FRENCH GUARD: Oh, yes. It's very nice-a. (I told him we already got one.)

FRENCH GUARDS: [chuckling]

Given the provision that all fish live in water, and that all mackerel are fish, she will conclude not that all mackerel live underwater but that trout live in trees, or if she buys kippers it will rain, or even that i do not love her anymore. she calls this using her intuition...i callit CRAP and it gets me very IRREETATED because it is not LOGICAL.

Iiiiiiiiimmanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable,
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table,
David Hume could out-consume
Wilhem Friedrich Hegel,
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as shloshed as Schlegel.

There's nothing Neitzsche couldn't teach ye
'Bout the raising of the wrist,
Socrates himself was permanently pissed...

John Stewart Mill of his own Free Will
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill,
Plato they say could stick it away,
Half a crate of whiskey every day,
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
Hobbes was fond of his dram,
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart,
"I drink therefore I am!"

Yes Socrates himself is particularly missed,
A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed!

'Self-Defense Against Fresh Fruit'

Self-Defense Class : We did raspberries last week .....

Weedy One: What about point-ed sticks?