Linden Secrets Revealed!

Somebody needs to go through and collect up all the Trout "Letters to/from the Lindens" and archive those for posterity.

Somebody needs to go through and collect up all the Trout "Letters to/from the Lindens" and archive those for posterity.

(SCII Wire Service)

Dear Suckers Honored and Esteemed Residents:

We here at the Lab, or "Labs" (we can never remember which is right) are so proud of ourselves we could just burst. Unfortunately, Janitor Linden unilaterally passed a new policy banning spontaneously bursting because we're mostly made of stuff that's a real bitch to clean out of the carpets and when we burst all over the place it makes his job a little less enjoyable. We sent him a bunch of love for that, but the love machine is on the fritz again and we don't think he got it. Maybe a candygram would have been a better idea. We're pretty sure he's diabetic, but a little chocolate can't hurt, right?

Sorry for the digression. Pharmacist Linden mistook all of our ADHD medication for chicklets and ate them, so we're having a hard time focusing. We all miss him and send our condolences to his cat, which we're pretty sure was his only family.

On to more important things. We'd like to be the first to announce the implementation of our newest feature! We're sure you'll be very excited to hear that we are continuing our history of great customer service and consideration to those who make our booze-soaked existences possible. In order to make your Second Life extra fabulous, we have decided to upgrade our official forums from "antiquated and dangerously unstable" to "nonexistent". We're so certain that you are going to love this new feature so much that we have decided to pay stipends a month late as an extra bonus to our loyal ... you know ... people who buy our shit.

Imagine all the extra time you'll have for playing in Second Life, surfing the internet, playing hackey sack with your imaginary friends in the park or standing around some public building protesting ... you know ... stuff. That's certainly what we intend to do with all the extra time this will create for us (except for the part about playing in Second Life, which is for dweebs, not cool customers like ourselves). You can also take this time to check out such other fantastic resident-created attractions as SCII, where they are obsessed with posting pictures of weapons and treating each other worse than M treats us, which is really pretty bad. We couldn't believe it when he implemented the "mandatory potty break rule" and the "don't make me turn this car around edict". He's also limited nap time to 3 hours in the afternoons. Working here is worse than being in hell, but the phat loot keeps rolling in, so who are we to complain. At least we still have Wet T-Shirt Wednesdays! You should see the rack on Juggy Linden.

But, we digress again. In addition to such notable sites as SCII, you may want to check out SLU, where the obsession is less about military equipment and more about goofy things those wacky Japanese people do or eat. Horse meat ice cream! Tentacle rape! Boy, those Japanese people sure are nutty! You may want to also check out other resident-created sites which we claim complete credit for, such as Google, Amazon.com, MTV and porn. We were shocked to learn that MTV is actually a television station and not just a website. Our cable got cut off in 1973 when we forgot to pay the bill and we haven't gotten around to turning it back on. We just sit there with a bag of Doritos, a water bong and static on the tv screen. Far out, man. Anyway, the MTV site was our main inspiration when we created bling, so you KNOW it must be good, right?

We strongly suggest that you join one of these resident-created sites. God knows we aren't going to do anything to help you, and as they say, teach a man to fish and then he'll hit you in the head with a tire iron and steal your boat. Avoid Facebook. The guy who created that site must have been one disgruntled resident! He's totally harshing our buzz right now.

Ta Ta for now! We have far more important things to do right now than take care of our customers. We just got a new shipment of code in and we need to go pour it in the servers to keep them running. It's the wrong octane rating, but low octane code never hurt anyone.

Sincerely, and with great love and deep respect for your credit card,

GoPoundSand Linden.

cc: MTV, Google, SCII, SLU, Amazon.com, the porn industry, Facebook, Japan.

PS: No kidding. We really meant it. Juggy Linden has GREAT tits.