Friendship Etiquette

One of the issues that I've encountered lately is people, whom I barely know, wanting to be "friends" with me, i.e., adding me to their Friends list and vice versa.

If I deny the request, they get upset. "Why did you do that?" they'll demand. Maybe I'm too much of a softie to want to hurt their feelings and say "Because I don't know you well enough" or "I don't think of you that way." To me, adding someone to your friends list is the RL equivalent for asking for their cell phone number so you can call them anytime and track them using the GPS feature of their phone. A little too intrusive for my taste.

Wish it was easier, or more obvious, to send someone your calling card instead of making them a "friend".

Maybe I should just do that. Deny their request to add me as a friend, but IM them that they can send me their calling card, assuming they know how to do it and I, myself, remember how to do it.

I have people on my friends list that I don't know I want on my friends list. Maybe they are someone I chatted with once but haven't seen them since as we travel in different circles. I tried removing a "friend" once and they IM'ed me "Why did you do that?". I didn't know the other person was notified that they were removed as a "friend".

No, no sweetie, you're not doing anything wrong. I too have the same troubles. I make friends slow and over time. And if a person gets upset that I do not take a friendship with them after 5 minutes of chat; I calmly explain that it takes me a while to get aquainted, let alone call them a friend. Some folks I haven't spoken to since they day they friended me will IM me the second they do not see me on their list. Other folks, never say a word unless begging for $L. I have recently cleaned out my "friends list" and have enjoyed blissful peace and relaxation since expunging a few choice individuals. So do clean it up for your sanity. Explain to the complainers that....well, you don't talk unless they are complaining. Explain and apologize to those that cannot fathom friendships taking time to forge to just take it easy and keep talking with you when they find you again - but there is nothing worng with keeping your sanity and culling the list by rejecting those that send a friendship request immediately, or just after a few minutes of active conversation.

Some think I am a steely-cold iron clad b*tch for being that way, but those that *know* me, know *better*.

What she said....

This is basically what I tell people if I've the energy and remember - sorry, but I don't add friends until I've known someone for a while, but we can swap calling cards and keep in touch that way if you want. Of course nine times out of ten neither of us get in touch using the cards ever again, but those are the people I'd probably never talk with even if I added them as a friend.

Even with this approach I still end up with a list of names I don't recognise, occasionally with some note in their profile that doesn't make sense any more. I purge the list occasionally. It feels mean but if we don't keep in touch there doesn't seem to be much point in being 'friends'.

So I say just politely explain that you don't add friends until you know each other better - decline the offer and swap cards and save yourself the trouble If you've reason to keep in touch then you will do and can add them as a contact later. If you don't, there's no point having them on your list. If they get arsey with you declining friendship then they don't sound very good friend material to start with.

(Oh, and you are notified when you're removed from someone's friends list!)

I tend to be someone who friends people after just a couple of conversations, or even at the end of our first conversation. I do it so that I can easily find them again later to continue the conversation. If however such a follow up never happens, I then remove them from my friends list. Basically, I use the friends list as a way to keep tabs on someone I'm thinking I may eventually be friends with.

That said, I know everyone is different about friending etiquette, and I don't take it personally if someone rejects my friends request. For example, it sounds like if we ever met I would offer you friendship at the end of our first conversation and you'd reject it. np

That all said, I didn't realize the person is notified when you remove them from your friends list. I may change my habits now.

it's a bit like the old ducking stool for witches; if you decline the request, and they get miffed, then you wouldn't have wanted them as friends in the first place. if they are cool with it, then they are worth knowing.

If they are online when you remove them then they are sent a notification that you removed them.

If they are offline then they are not notified. You will not be in their friends list the next time they log on.

What amazes me is how many times I will TP into a place and before the screen even finishes rezzing I get a friendship popup request from a stranger. No "Hi" or any attempt at conversation just an immediate friendship request.

I am also the type of person that does not add people to my friends list after a 5 minute conversation. People on my friends list are people I have met often, have the same interests, visit the same places frequently, have the same hobbies. They are there so we can notify each other of events or activities of mutual interest.

And on a side note I immediately remove anyone on my friends list who maps me without first IMing me to see if it's ok to just pop in where I am. I respect their privacy and expect the same in return.

I have some "old hurt" on my friendlist, but well that is okay. It was added there before I really started to wonder about this kind of things.
Now I only add people to my friendlist when I really have an reason to add them and that can be with on faster then with the other.

Hmmm... *ponders* Is there a way to offer someone a TP without having her/him on your friendlist?

Morwen.

Look them up in Search -> People, there's an "Offer Teleport" button on the profile.

What he said ....

If someone offers me friendship and I don't want them on my list, I will reject it politely if I think I will meet that person again, or add them and make a note to delete them later if I don't expect to meet them again.
This ensures that people I meet again don't ask why I deleted them, but people I don't expect to ever meet again don't cause drama for me in public chat when I reject their offer in public.
It works pretty well. I state in my profile that I don't accept many friendship requests, and so most people wait for me to offer instead of offering themselves

If an existing friend maps me, I just delete them from my list. If they then complain about this, I point them to my profile, which states " Also, note that I will delete anyone who maps me from my friends list". Some people get the idea that just because we know each other well and have for a long time, they can break this rule. These people simply get referred back to the fact that the rule does not say "new friends", it says "anyone". One former friend called this policy "harsh, but honest". Personally I don't think it's harsh - the rule is very clear and is listed in my profile for all to see. Doesn't mean I like them any less, or stop talking to them. Just means I delete them from my friends list exactly as the rule I have in my profile says I will. Personally I like the simplicity of this, I think it's a good idea to set one or two clear, simple rules for your social interactions and have them listed on your public profile. It lets people know exactly what to expect, and if there are only a very small number (like 2) of them, they are easy to remember.

How would you know someone mapped you? Unless they also TPd to you.

You cannot usually tell if anyone's mapping you directly, or indirectly for that matter. If they TP in on you uninvited, they usually land right on your head. :> So it's easy to tell when they double clicked. Usually I do not mind, as I am in open and public places most of the time, but I tell everyone that they are to IM me first. And if the busy flag is set, I am working on some me-time stuff. (Building, picking a script apart, whathaveyou) "Beaming in" on me when I am busy/working or otherwise (And there are some times when that otherwise can be pretty sordid stuff, let me tell you!) is grounds for immediate fiend list cleansing and a request to please leave me in peace. I really should put this into a short, simple to understand statement in my profile too, come to think of it.

You get an IM from them that says something like "I see you are playing *ingo."

I pared down my friends list recently, and have had to politely decline recent offers. Most people accept this graciously, but on one occasion I had to spend several minutes explaining myself before the other person (who I had just met) realized I was serious.

I am not unfriendly. I will take time to talk/chat with anyone who wants to. But I'm rather a hermit at heart, and prefer to keep only a few very special people on that friends list.

Still, I always feel badly when declining friendship offers.... I don't like to hurt anyone's feelings.

I think this is because people don't realise that you can use the notecards to track people - they light up if their author is online and you can IM them then. I didn't know this, until someone mentioned it...

Hullo again, I have a couple of simple questions one of which I was reminded by a comment here, hence not starting my own thread.
I'm missing something here with your mention of 'mapping'? Can a 'friend' find where you are without asking on IM? Ah, is that search and people, now I think of it?
Other point is AFK? seen it ... heard it .. but what the heck IS it please? Regards,

AFK = Away From Keyboard. Typically, this is when live in couples make each other's avatars do/wear questionable things. IE, John's in the kitchen making a sandwich, so his girlfriend Mary turns his avatar into a cross dressing pole dancer for a few minutes.

Mapping:
1. Using the map to see where your friends are In World. This is accomplished by clicking the Map button at the bottom of the screen, then selecting a friend's name from the pull down list in the feild of My Friends. The location of said friend will be shown as a red dot on the map.

2. Using the map to teleport directly to a friend. After completing step one, a user may press the Teleport botton and teleport directly to the friend selected, no matter where that friend may be. A great way to piss people off as they may be in the middle of a private conversation, or in someone else's house, or in the middle of a project.




Personally, I'll admit to being guilty of both types of mapping, though I do the first way more often and have only done the latter three times. I use the map quite often to track the location of my "kids" to see where they are. I don't like them hanging out in strip clubs where they can be harassed and bothered.

As for directly teleporting to someone without permisson, I can recall three times I've done it. Once was early in the morning when I hit Teleport by mistake and ended up landing on my boss' head stark naked, the second time was when I had a feeling my daughter and her boyfriend were up to no good, and the third is when the family and I decided to drop in on another daughter while all wearing crazy get ups.

thanks for that Joseph, most informative .. and entertaining .. did you get a rise from the boss?
I'll use my newfound knowledge to impress my 70-miles-away fiancee tonight .. hopefully

Can someone please clarify - are friends actually notified when you just look them up on the map?

Not wishing to interupt people when they are busy I often look up friends to see if they are on their own or with others, but I would reconsider doing this if they are bothered by pop ups like 'you've been mapped by...'

I have a female alt who gets this all the time. Along with IMs of a "wanna cyber?" nature. I think it's hilarious sometimes, but at other times incredibly frustrating. As to mapping....it depends how close they get. You can find someone on the map and then tp to a different point in the same sim. If they pop say 100 yards away, that's no different to an RL friend dropping by and knocking on my door unannounced - that's fine. Mapping right to where I am is like an RL friend creeping in through my bedroom window at night. That's not fine.

No they are not notified.

Thanks Joseph