Ponderisims

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most
people die of natural causes.

. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes
out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy
a replacement.

. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

. Life is sexually transmitted.

. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

. Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have
come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it
takes a whole box to start a campfire?

. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm
gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about
him?

. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if
they are going to look up there anyway?

. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from
morons?

. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have
the same tune?

. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he
gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head
out the window?

. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive
faster?

. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

This one made my morning!

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.


/*** pushes co-worker down stairs just for good laugh


Muhahahahaha

I like the Jimmy-Crack_Corn refrence.

I love these! Here are a couple more:

Why is there a light in the fridge, but not in the freezer?

Why do you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?

Why are there braille imprints at drive-thru ATMs?

The same people that took acid in the 60s to make the world weird, now taking prozac to make the world normal.

Why is it when you send things to people in a car, it's called a shipment, but when you send it by ship, it's called cargo?

You lot need some input from a horrid griping person like me, to drag you down.

Did you know this one isn't such a joke ? Did you know that physicians who recommend (almost always medically unjustifiable) infant circumcisions, may have their motivations slightly skewed, by participation in the lively trade in foreskins at about $200 each? With no parental consent ? For use in cosmetic creams for the very rich. Which apparently do work.

I researched it about two years ago.

So sometimes life models art (or in this case comedy). There IS a baby oil made from babies. Or recently was. Little boy babies. Don't believe me ? - google it. But its fairly well hidden behind fancy medical jargon I can't remember. And of course, it doesn't say anything as crude and upsetting as "foreskins" or "babies" on the label.

Wow thanks for that

You're welcome, Lektor. Entirely my pleasure

P.S. I've been very foolish in my life. Incontinent in my information gathering. I know lots it's probably better not to know.

These are so cute!

And I'm certain that pressing the elevator button more times makes it come faster.

coco

A lot of these are funny. However, I've heard quite the contrary experiences with this one—many camcorders being used to tape flitting bright lights in the night sky, and there are many alleged UFO sightings still reported. Thing is, they don't carry the sensational impact they used to because they're so commonplace now. The alien has become banal.

BTW, the serious answers to some of these can be found here:

http://www.straightdope.com/

Great site, good companion reading with Snopes.com.