PLEASE READ BEFORE PROCEEDING
The Metaverse Messenger is committed to avoiding litigation in all areas other than defamation. With the recent explosion of negligence claims in the court, we have received legal advice to include a more specific warning with the Metaverse Messenger for protection against liability for risks that plaintiff lawyers might say we should have foreseen.
Before proceeding further, all readers are asked to carefully read the following warning, which lists some of the risks that may be associated with reading the Metaverse Messenger.
Pre-warning warning: The following warning may take some time to review. The Metaverse Messenger recommends that before starting you sit down, very carefully, in a comfortable and safe environment. Maintain good posture at all times while reading, and take regular breaks for food and exercise as required or as directed by your doctor. While every effort has been made to be comprehensive, there may be some eventualities which are not specifically referred to below. Readers are invited to submit any risks which are not listed below to [email]mm@metaversemessenger.com[/email].
Warning: The Metaverse Messenger newspaper may cause paper cuts. Readers are advised to take care when turning each page and in particular to avoid aggressive rubbing of the edges of sheets of the Metaverse Messenger against the skin of yourself, any other person or living thing. In order to reduce the risk of paper cuts, you might consider not turning to pages 5, 11, 17 and 20 which - be warned - are generally of lower standard and have been known to induce pain in some cases.
Please avoid mixing the Metaverse Messenger with water and glue, which could result in the inadvertent creation of a papiér-maché formula that could set, especially if exposed to the sun, which is not recommended, and may cause some readers to be caught in a papiér-maché death trap.
To avoid any damage to the eyes when reading the Metaverse Messenger, make sure that the place you are reading in is well lit. If the light is inadequate, do not use matches or any other form of naked flame to increase visibility. It is also not impossible that some form of aggressive insect or other dangerous projectile could come into contact with your eyes while reading the Metaverse Messenger. Goggles or other forms of protective eyewear are therefore recommended, provided they are made from shatter-proof glass and comply with US Standard S566244763LFD4, all international treaties that are or may become binding on the United States and the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.
Readers should consider the political environment before obtaining or reading the Metaverse Messenger. Use of the Metaverse Messenger is not recommended in places ruled by foreign regimes that restrict freedom of speech, or Milwaukee.
If reading the Metaverse Messenger at the beach, avoid consuming excessive amounts of alcohol and swimming, whether between the flags or otherwise, in areas which may result in spinal injury.
Do not read the Metaverse Messenger while driving, nor in a car which has all doors and windows closed and is exposed to direct sunlight or other heat. If leaving an infant unattended in a locked car, do not leave the Metaverse Messenger with the child or anywhere in the car.
Do not commit suicide while reading the Metaverse Messenger. It will make us look bad. Do not read the Metaverse Messenger in the presence of George Backbite or any member of his family, as they are a bunch of cruel, sadistic psychopaths who could drive you to your grave.
If any part of the Metaverse Messenger causes disagreement between you and any other person, the editors recommend that disputes be resolved without recourse to violence. If a dispute concerning a Metaverse Messenger article cannot be resolved without physical aggression, combatants are advised to fight only at locations that have valid and paid-up public liability insurance and/or in playgrounds administered by the Department of Education or other public body. Fights should be conducted in the presence of a qualified referee and with medical help readily available. No biting, scratching, blows below the belt or nipple cripples.
In the unlikely event that you are caused to laugh while reading the Metaverse Messenger, even if it is because of something unconnected with the content of the newspaper, readers are advised to laugh in moderation. Laughing persons should take special care to ensure that their sides remain intact and should urgent medical attention if any signs of splitting develop. Do not read the Metaverse Messenger if either you or a relative have previously died from laughing.
The Metaverse Messenger is not suitable for human consumption. It should not be eaten or used to wrap foodstuffs. The publishers of the Metaverse Messenger strongly recommend against using the Metaverse Messenger to wrap any food, including fish-and-chips. If swallowed, sit the victim in a cool place out of the direct sun, and monitor. Induce vomiting if and only if under proper medical supervision and you feel it would be mildly amusing to you to watch the victim vomit.
The Metaverse Messenger is flammable. Do not set fire to your copy of the Metaverse Messenger, whether with a match, cigarette lighter, soaking it in gasoline, rubbing two or more sticks together, shining a magnifying glass on a particular little spot or by storing your copy of the Metaverse Messenger in the nuclear furnace that is the heart of the Sun.
If you choose to smoke while reading your copy of the Metaverse Messenger, the publishers accept no responsibility for any loss or damage arising to you in exercising that choice. Never attempt to use the Metaverse Messenger to extinguish a fire. If your copy of the Metaverse Messenger catches fire, please return it by placing the flaming copy, together with a stamped self-addressed envelope and return it to the address shown in the publisher’s notice above.
The Metaverse Messenger is not a flotation device. Should your copy of the Metaverse Messenger become wet, it may become soggy and unsuitable for using for any purpose whatsoever.
Using the Metaverse Messenger in place of your regular toilet tissue is not sanctioned by the publishers of the Metaverse Messenger. Such use can result in nicks and cuts in awkward, hard-to-reach places and cause irritation, and grumpiness.
Special care should be taken when reading the Metaverse Messenger in circumstances where young children could be exposed to humorous or satirical content. The Metaverse Messenger is not responsible for any damage that may occur to children or children’s behavior patterns as a result of poorly supervised access to the Metaverse Messenger up to and including: Believing that it is funny to send rude letters to prominent people you don’t know; taking candy from strangers; thinking that it is “clever” or “cool” to self-promote on the Second Life forums; using naughty words in any print medium where censored versions such as “f---,” “s—t,” or “c—t” would be a perfectly accepted and SMH Style Guide-approved substitute; and using unacceptable language such as “piss-flaps”, “poo-hole”, “spadger” or “Satan”s little furry toy.”
The humorous material contained within the Metaverse Messenger is prepared by experts and placed in a particular context to render it safe for domestic use. Removing particular jokes and attempting to use them in any other format, whether by repeating them to another person or using them in another publication may cause embarrassment, social awkwardness, long, difficult-to-manage pauses and the perception amongst others that (a) you are a bit of an over-educated leftist jerk, or (b) you are getting all your good gags from people who, let’s face it, pay the bills by stealing jokes from the Web.
Do not use the Metaverse Messenger internally. Specifically, readers are warned that they should not roll up the Metaverse Messenger, lube it, and perform the ritual known colloquially as “the nasty” on themselves or any other person (oh, all right then, but for goodness sake, don’t tell anyone.)
Do not use the Metaverse Messenger for birth control. We will not take responsibility for anything which may occur as a result of attempting to use the Metaverse Messenger for birth control including; children, awkward moment during sexual contact or inability to read Metaverse Messenger articles due to annoying stains.
The Metaverse Messenger is not designed to be used as a parachute. Any similarity between the design of the Metaverse Messenger and a parachute is merely coincidental. We will not be held responsible for any plummeting into the earth which occurs while holding the Metaverse Messenger above your head and jumping from a plane.
We will not be held responsible for the death or sickness of any vagrants, bums, derelicts, tramps, beggars, drifters, beatniks, hobos or unemployed career men who use the Metaverse Messenger as a blanket, home, shelter, refuge, haven or source of satire.
The Metaverse Messenger should not be used as a substitute for education, even for those attending public, second rate Catholic or Seventh Day Adventist schools. Reading The Metaverse Messenger does not eliminate the need for proper education and may actually increase this need. Failure to complete homework due to the reading of the Metaverse Messenger is not our fault. Any lack of reading or writing ability which occurs later in life is the fault of the reader. The Department of Education in your state should be sued for this fault and not the proprietors of the Metaverse Messenger nor those who shield The Metaverse Messenger proprietors’ assets. On the other hand, if you think the Metaverse Messenger has made you more intelligent, then you are almost certainly correct.
The Metaverse Messenger should not be used for deep sea rescue. Nor should it be read to airline passengers in place of warnings regarding the fastening and releasing of seatbelts.
Avoid any persons who claim that the Metaverse Messenger can be made into a trampoline. If made into a trampoline we will not take any responsibility for injuries incurred.
The Metaverse Messenger should not be read while tipping a refrigerator on yourself. (See refrigerator manual for more specific warning pertaining to this cause of litigation).
If reading the Metaverse Messenger in the United States of America, you must wear a helmet which meets the latest standards set by the National Operating Committee on Standards for Athletic Equipment. We will not be held responsible for any injury sustained as a result of faults in the helmet or which may occur due to being tackled because of your wearing of the helmet.
Avant-garde fashion designers should not use the Metaverse Messenger in the design of their clothes. We will not be held responsible for any loss of earnings or reputation which result from the inability of your audience to understand that your use of our newspaper was meant to be a post-modern ironic statement.
Do not shred the Metaverse Messenger and use it as confetti. The Metaverse Messenger will not be held responsible for any kitschness which may occur at weddings or other ceremonies which utilize the Metaverse Messenger as confetti. We make no guarantees as to the longevity of any marital unions formed while using the Metaverse Messenger in any part of the ceremony, whether as decorations or in place of a purpose built drop-sheet or bin-liner.
The Metaverse Messenger warns against the reading of large tracts of small text. We will not be held responsible for poor eyesight or disappointment in the search for humor that you may sustain from reading such large tracts of text.
Many thanks to those from whom I stole most of this disclaimer.
P2
