July 5, 2005
At a press conference earlier this month, Microsoft unveiled its latest piece of software, the Windows-Headed Electronic Engine for Labor, or WHEEL for short. "The WHEEL," as enthusiastically reported by Steven Ballmer, would be a piece of technology that would "reduce the amount of work put into hauling heavy objects, and boost both productivity and efficiency in the work place." Ballmer went on, saying that the WHEEL could boost efficiency by "seamlessly integrating a path between a heavy object, such as a refrigerator or desktop computer, and the path the user wishes to take it on." The WHEEL uses Microsoft proprietary technology to electronically map out the shortest and least obstacle-ridden path, sends this information to the WHEEL drivers (which are powered by the latest version of Windows), which relays all of this information back to the user, who can safely haul the object using the least energy. In the words of Ballmer, "The WHEEL is not just an electronic revolution, oh no. We at Microsoft believe that the WHEEL is just the first step in a series of revolutions."
However, there have been criticisms of the WHEEL. Many who have used the wheel have reported all manner of bugs, ranging from being too noisy (several have reported the WHEEL as being unnecessarily "squeaky"
, to reports of driver crashes, including some fatal ones. Dick Rogers, of Massachussets, reported that when moving a file cabinet around the office, "the entire damn thing just locked up, causing the file cabinet to topple over like... like... like a toppling file cabinet!" Not only did this cause physical damage to his co-workers, but the cabinet then inexplicably burst into flames, destroying his files in the process. Microsoft has reported that this is a very unique problem, and has only been reported once. Another complaint, by Rick Dodgers of Maryland, detailed a mishap when trying to interface WHEEL with a forklift made by the McIntosh Heavy Machinery company. "The WHEEL just refused to work with the forklift. It kept sending back error messages saying that the WHEEL was incompatible with the McIntosh." Giving up, Rick Dodgers had to instead purchase a Hughlett Packerd forklift, which is compatible with the WHEEL. Microsoft has issued a statement, saying that "this is a very serious problem, and we are looking into it as a very, very grave matter. We had no idea that there were even any forklift manufacturers left that weren't owned by us."
The range of complaints is lengthy, ranging from graphics errors (Mick Bodgers reported that his WHEEL would usually change colors daily, mostly sticking with Avocado, or Harvest Gold), to connectivity problems (Nick Codgers described how his WHEEL simply disconnected in the middle of hauling a washing machine; Microsoft issued a statement saying that "disconnections may occur frequently if you are using an attachment method other than Microsoft Intersocket Explorer), to security issues (many have reported that, due to a faulty hatch, pranksters could easily dump a bucket of earthworms into the WHEEL, rendering it immobile).
However, Microsoft is optimistic about the new product's future. "The WHEEL is not just a standalone product. It is the beginning of a much brighter, more efficient future. We hope that one day, everyone on Earth will be using the WHEEL. In fact, they won't have a choice, once we buy out every other company on Earth." Which direction is this new technology speeding off to then? In a press statement issued just this morning, Steve Ballmer made a statement concerning the future of WHEEL:
"We at Microsoft believe that WHEEL is the absolute pinnacle of quality. In fact, it is so absolute, we are releasing an update just next year, WHEEL XD! But WHEEL XD is not the only refinement. Along with XD, we are also planning on releasing what we see as the logical expansion to WHEEL, the Computer Aided Regulator, or CAR."
This is totally homebrew satire, for the uninformed.