KrogerLabs announces new concept stores

KrogerLabs today announced what it calls "a revolutionary new approach" in shopping, a grocery store "Imagined, Created and Owned" by it's customers.

The new "GroceryLife" stores are a phenomenon according to KrogerLabs CEO and spokesman Phillip Kroger. "We've done what nobody else in the food sales industry has been able to pull off." says Kroger, "We've actually convinced our customers to not only pay for what they buy here, they also have to build the store and stock the shelves with their own items!" Standing nearby was staff member Hamlet Kroger, but even though he acknowledged our presence, refused to reply to our questions.

"If that wasn't enough", continued the enthusiastic CEO, "our customers also gladly pay an additional monthly membership fee that actually increases with the amount of work they do for us! That dynamic is what inspired our corporate slogan: * GroceryLife, We Get You Coming and Going * ". Standing nearby was staff member Robin Kroger, but even though he acknowledged our presence, refused to reply to our questions.

KrogerLabs plan is to supply the real estate in several metropolitan areas, then solicit willing customers to excavate the land, pave the parking areas, build the store itself, create all the store fixtures, and then continually stock the shelves and manage the checkout lanes. "It's an amazing opportunity to have our customers learn about the grocery industry from the bottom up." says Phillip Kroger. "And our investors are as enthusiastic as we are! They found it hard to believe that we could actually get our customers to do most of the work, and pay for the privilege of doing so!". Standing nearby was staff member Ben Kroger, but even though he acknowledged our presence, refused to reply to our questions.

There's already been some controversy however in some communities where GroceryLife stores have been springing up. Self proclaimed "customer/developer" Ashley Chong has been buying up GroceryLife merchandise, and then returning the same items to the shelves under her own brand name, simply marking up the price without adding additional value to the products. When interviewed for this article, Chong tersely replied, "Hey, I started out a shopper just like the rest of those sheep. If they don't like it, they can talk to my lawyer. Besides, I'm just making a buck like anyone else. How else to you expect me to afford private school for my kids?".

There are also reports of several strange incidents occurring in the stores themselves. Some customers have found that when they go from the dairy aisle to canned goods, the wheels are suddenly missing from their shopping carts, or the carts simply vanish into thin air. During our visit, we had witnessed several shoppers mysteriously hanging in mid-air, appearing frozen except for the flailing of their arms and legs. Standing nearby was staff member Pathfinder Kroger but even though he acknowledged our presence, refused to reply to our questions.

When asked about the nutritional quality of the products offered at GroceryLife stores, CEO Kroger replied, "Now that's the true genius about what we've done here! You see, a customer comes into our store, and is overjoyed that unlike traditional stores, they can fill the shopping cart up to the brim. They pay for what they bought in KrogerBucks, or K$'s. Even though it's all just like play money, we tell them it's real money and they believe it (even though we only accept real US greenbacks when they pay us). Anyway, here's where the real beauty is." continued Kroger, "when they push their cart out to the parking lot, they find out that they can't actually put the groceries into the car and take them home. They only exist in GroceryLife! So even though our shoppers eventually die of malnutrition, by the time they realize what a waste of time and money it all was, we've got plenty of new customers signing up. Like they say at the butter factory, it's all about the churn!"

When asked about expansion plans, Kroger chuckled, "Oh yes! We plan on offering a full line of clothing and household goods. As soon as our shoppers make them!". Standing nearby was staff member Reuben Kroger, but even though he acknowledged our presence, refused to reply to our questions.

You forgot to add the shoppers KrogerLabs busses in weekly with 50 bucks to spend on your creations because they think your stuff is pretty cool and entertaining. Oh, maybe that was some other shop owner.

I can't say I agree with your analogy, but that was hilarious!

Because MMO's = Grocery Stores.

maybe a better analogy would be an amusement park where you can pay an entrance fee and be entertained. You can also test your luck and skills in various games that award you tickets (L$) that you can redeem for gifts and prizes, except you are not limited to the crap in the glass case..you can actually turn those tickets into real currency and buy whatever you want, including a private education for you or your kids (if you desire).

maybe you've never had fun at an amusement park, where you pay out your ass and wait in long lines....despite the cost and the hassle, it is still fun, even if it is only a few exhilirating moments throughout the day.

SL is a giant funland built by the people who show up to enjoy the possibilites. Some choose to play to win, others choose to simply play.

Customers are always free to go down the street to Costco or a Mega WalMart for their sustenance needs. They are morons if they perish while trying to sustain themselves on virtual "food".

Your analogy is flawed. I think it sucks the bitter stick up your ass

Meat market?



Now that does not sound fun.

This is hysterical! Fabulously written!

I gave it five stars. (If, that is, I did that right - I haven't rated anything before.)

coco

SL is not a game, its a platform!

Now this is a good parody/satire. People should take notes

I thought it was, um, tongue-in-cheek. Wrong cheek, CJ, that's probably why it tastes bitter for you.

How can you do a story about GroceryLife and not mention KrogerLabs' Favored Important Customers? GroceryLife wouldn't be GroceryLife without them.

Damn Straight. Those darn KLFIC'er running the show, with all there favoritism from the Krogers. The people accused of being KLFIC (Like Bork Perfect) will adamantly deny the FIC exists, then summon the Hand of God to flick your ass into a random isle.