International Rules of Manhood

International Rules of Manhood


01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella

02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

03: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

05: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.

08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

09: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never, ever ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel ..and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever

Actually, I think the be-all-and-end-all statement on manhood is the current Burger King commercial for their Texas steakburger. Nothing says more about the present condition of men that watching them madly stuff their mouths with cow to the tune of the old Helen Reddy song.

Please don't

I rather like that commercial. At least it's a change from the creepy demon-possessed king statue commercials.

Umm..there's some friggin HOT babes that ice skate.

Like Johnny Weir? XD

If you think he's hot, then I guess the so...

Woo! Thanks Juro! I like those much better. I'm afraid I violate #11 though What's the fine?

O_O I was kidding. >_<

Brava Juro, brava!! /clap

I am SO guilty of #10 Do "cherry blossoms" count??

Have done #17. A Lot!

Jake's Rules of Manhood:


01: Men don't need umbrellas. If you are english an umbrella is affectation and you may carry one, otherwise, get wet or valet park.

02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. in the last 7 minutes of Gladiator.
c. In the last 10 minutes of saving Private Ryan
d. When a parent, sibling, wife or child dies.
e. When professing your undying love while explaining that Lisa at the office meant nothing, it was all a mistake.

If she is using her teeth, dump her.

03: Friends take pictures. Any man who does something at a bachelor party with a stripper the night before he gets married, deserves to be found out. For most of us, college is the last great act of sexual defiance. If its your bachelor part, you are being married soon-do not misbehave. Using a freind's bachelor party to cheat on your own wife is just low.

04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

05: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

06: Life is to short to drink cheap beer. Free beer, however, is by definition expensive. If your buddy stocks cheap bear in his fridge, rethink your freindship...what kind of man serve bud lite to his freinds?

07: Birthday presents for anyone whom you are not having sex with are optional once you are over 18. However, birthday parties are always a good idea, the guest of honor does not pay at such occasions.

08: On a road trip, pit stops are made whenever it amuses the driver to do so. However on a road trip longer than one hour, the driver must surrender control of the music to the group every other hour.

09: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, buy a round of drinks and watch along. There are scoreboards and uniforms, that tell you who is playing and what the score is.

10: Don't fart in front of girls.

11: furity alcohol drinks with lots of achohol are acceptable in a tiki bar, or trader vic's. Fruity drinks involving tequila are always acceptable. No tequila shall be drunk with "training wheels" (lime and salt)-if you need them, drink something else. It is acceptable to chase tequila with mexican beer.

12: Win a fight with your head, or your gun, not a kick in the nuts-unless you are proctecting another.

13: Unless you are in prison, don't put yourself in a situation where fighting naked is even a possibility.

14: Speedos should not be a consideration, even if you are a brazilian male and look good in them.

15: If a man's fly is down, tell him. The embarassment of noticing his open fly will be overcome by the relief he feels that you did not just send him to meet his girlfreind's mother with his fly down.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated with the same suspicion women would treat a guy who claims "he loves to shop."

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must be a gentleman.

18: Don't be a huzzer-leave the last beer and the last pizza for the hosts breakfast.

19: If you compliment a guy, it must be limited to "you look sharp" or some other casual reference. Use such compliments sparingly, they are generally only apporpriate for weddings and other special occasions.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours. If she's withholding sex pending your respons-wait her out, she'll cave. If she does not cave-go find lisa at the office, this relationship is not healthy.

21: No phrases other than counting reps may uttered to another man while lifting weights, unless you are his coach, drill instructor, or personal trainer.


22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless its about soprts ot weather, No coversation in a bathroom should be mroe than two sentences. In most bathroom situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Don't call a woman, go see her.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, she is your girlfreind. Or should be. Being drunk is not a excuse, unless you are under 21 and in college.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Cars are red, white, black, green, blue, silver or grey. No cadillac should ever be purchased with the gold trim option.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets nothing.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever

EXCERPTS FROM: Phoenix's International Rules of Manhood

01: Umbrellas should be left in the back seat of your car, where they are utterly useless when you are about to leave work. The phrase "Helluva lot of good it does me THERE!" is applicable in this situation.

02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When your computer gets fried by a power surge after your wife TOLD you to "get off that stupid Second Life game and unplug the computer, it's storming."
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. This may also optionally apply to Salma Hayek, Halle Berry, or your choice of unattainable hottie.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. When she is using her teeth.
e. when you get caught in your ZIPPER'S teeth.

03: Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies and/or wake up in bed with this woman.

==

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. What were you doing looking there anyway??!??!??

==

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. Conversely, discussing a friend of HERS can be dangerous, unless she's into the whole threesome thing.

P2

29. The bigger the tires and/or motor the better

30. Jack Daniels goes with everything

31. Know all there is to know about a sport of your choice, Nascar is perferable

32. He who catches the smallest fish, buys

33. NEVER ask what a tool is used for, and power tools are best

34. Some dogs are NOT man's best friend, ie Poodle

35. Clogs are unacceptable footwear in hunting camps

36. Watch all football games, TIVO if nessacary