Notes for the ACLU 2.0 beta

It's clear from reading posts by concerned residents in these threads that the ACLU is horribly in need of an upgrade. Angry militiamen here, drug-arrested radio hosts there. How apt it was that one television host called the ACLU 'the most dangerous organization in America' and a 'fascist organization.' The problem they've cogently noted is that, dammit, the ACLU is just taking the Constitution too seriously. Fortunately it's come to light that when the Bill of Rights was signed, fully half the signatories had their fingers crossed behind their backs and the other half were loopy on snuff. I have this on good authority from a preacher who's spoken with Eli Spittlefacker, a minor delegate from Virginia, from beyond the grave.

Clearly this invalidates much of the Bill of Rights. Thus, the rug is pulled from under the Constitution and by extension the ACLU itself.

The problem faced by legitimate critics of the ACLU has been a lack of clear principle on which to base an ACLU 2.0. Alternative principles have been largely ad hoc, situational, nebulous and totalitarian. Fortunately for us, again, the last five years have provided an alternative principle--I'll call it 'The Rule of Whatever Dick Cheney Has Pulled from his Wrinkled Ass Lately.'

Thus we'll discover that such onerous regulations as private property, freedom of religion, due process under the law, the right to assembly and the so-called right to privacy may be dispensed with upon the retrieval of a particularly fragrant nugged from the Cheney behoozis. A special interpretational council will be formed, chaired by Ralph Reed and including Grover Norquist, Richard Mellon Scaife, Haley Barbour, Roger Ailes, Karl Rove (pending aquittal) and the chairmen of all major defense contractors. This council will sit and examine each nugget, in its velvet-lined box in the middle of a large round table, carefully for meaning. Ornamental gold-plated 'nugget examination chopsticks' have already been provided by the Chinese government in return for continued, unspecified considerations.

Provisions will have to be made upon the passing of Mr. Cheney. Therefore, a succession line will be established whereby a faux-religious, appealing, folksy, yet dim-witted frontpresident will serve to shield any uncomfortable attention to Mr. Cheney's successor. Thus the ACLU will be free to nominate pretty much anyone, no matter how outwardly repellant, from Charles Johnson to Michael Savage, as 'nugget provider' for future guidance.

I propose the extension of ACLU 2.0 into a the charter for a Fantasy Sim for residents willing to roleplay under such conditions. A number of likely residents post here in OTLand, and I can foresee them clamoring for an honorary RP part at the 'Nugget Examination Table' at sim-center, if not as ordinary citizens who will find joy in living in a sim free of the onerous Bill of (We Were Just Making Sport Not Really Serious About These) Rights.

Yes, the ACLU is doing some horrible things. For example, a few months back they filed this case: ACLU Seeks Justice For Khalid El-Masri . If the CIA keeps having to answer to court challenges like this then we'll never be able to bring freedom to the world.



/sarcasm