06-28-2006 13:56
June 28, 2006
The White House

Citizens: Today, we have asked Congress to introduce a new bill which will provide for both an improved domestic economy and better tracking of terrorists. We are calling this bill "Terrorism Observation System", or "TOS".

It will specify the following:

1. We are opening all borders to anyone who wishes to enter. No exceptions. Statistics show that most of those sneaking across our borders are from other countries, and we want them to have a chance to live here, too.
2. Those who apply for Visas/passports/work permits will be given the status of "V" for "verified". This will be stamped on their faces with indelible blue ink. Those who sneak in and are caught will have a giant red "U" stamped on their face. It is only removable if you apply stong Texas barbecue sauce.
3. All new entries into this country will be asked if they are terrorists. If they answer "yes" they will not be allowed in.
4. A tiny microchip will be implanted under all immigrants' skin to prevent them from being exiled only to return as someone else. No more "Ahmed" turning into "Miguel", by gum!
5. This will hopefully increase the number of people coming to America, the Land of the Free and Home of the Whopper. This means more customers, more workers, and fewer real Americans who have to mop floors and scoop poop.
6. Don't argue, we know better than you.

Sincerely,
The President
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