A Joke

Queen Elizabeth
and
Dolly Parton
die on the same day and they both go
before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately,
there's only one space left that day,
so the Angel must decide which of them
gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she
should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says,
"Look at these,
they're the most
perfect breasts

God ever created,
and I'm sure it will please God to
be able to see them every day,
for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly,
and asks
Her Majesty the same question.
The
Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse,
shakes it up, and gargles.
Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel
says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks,
"What was that all about?
I show you two
of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.
She spits into a
commode and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel,
"but even in Heaven,
a royal flush

beats a pair -

no matter how big they are.

*facepalms*

There's a minute of my life I can never get back

You're welcome
The original had nice pics but I couldn't be bothered to include them.

I'll have to remeber that joke for Texas hold 'em at my brother's place next week!



So, Cinderella is preparing for the ball, and Fairy Godmother (the modern one looks a bit like Divine, don't ask how I know please.) warns her to be back before midnight, telling her that "it" will turn into a pumpkin if she does not return before the stroke of twelve.

Cinderella asks, "Whatever do you mean by "it", Fairy Godmother?"

Fairy Godmother glances sharply down at Cinderella's nether region and repeats, "IT".

Having understood at last, Cinderella leaves in an awaiting coach, and is off to the ball.

At just before midnight, Fairy Godmother poofs into Cinderella's home, only to discover she is not back yet!

A couple of minutes pass, she becomes very worried, and starts driking MD 20/20 Grape like a cat with kidney problems.

At two in the morning, Cinderella waltzes in, face aglow.

Fairy Godmother stood up, swaying to and fro, and asked "*hic* Whatever did Prince Charming say when "it" *hic* turned into a pumpkin dear? *hic*"

Cinderella replied, "Oh but Fairy Godmother, I didn't go with Prince Charming, I went to the ball with Peter Pumpkin Eater!"

Never mind Leck, I liked it

Albert Einstein died and went to the afterworld.
The line of people waiting for judgment on whether they would go to heaven or hell was too long.
Einstein got bored and asked the person next to him, "What is your IQ?" The answer was 150. Feeling delighted, Einstein said, "Then let's talk about the theory of relativity."

After a nice chat about relativity, Einstein asked the person behind him, "What about your IQ?" The person said, "120." Einstein said, "Let's discuss world peace." Another nice chat.

Next Einstein asked the person in front of him, "What's your IQ?" The person said, "80." Einstein thought for a long time about a discussion topic, then said, "Let's forecast the economy."

Jesus and St. Peter are bored one day and decide to go down to earth to play a round of golf. On the 5th hole Jesus slices and ends up right next to the water hazard.

Jesus tells Peter, "hand me my 7 iron."
Peter replies, "no, you don't want that, you'll never clear the hazard"
"I saw Tiger Woods make this shot last week," Jesus answers "and he used a 7 and chipped it right onto the green"
"Fine" Peter replies and hands him the club.

Jesus takes his swing and the ball goes up .... and then straght down into the water. Jesus gets a disgruntled look and walks out on the water looking for his ball.

Another group is waiting to play the hole and they see Jesus walking on the water and so they go up to Peter and ask, "who does that guy think he is, Jesus?"

"Actually," Peter replies, "it is Jesus. The problem is that he thinks he's Tiger Woods."

Mother Theresa dies and goes to heaven.

After she gets there, she is given her halo by God.

She is thrilled with her halo, all bright, tight and shiney over her head showing all her worldly sacrifices and all her...

Just then she sees Princess Di. Princess Di has a HUGE halo around her head.

This hurts Mother Theresa terribly

So she goes to God to complain.

"I took a vow of poverty. I gave of myself to you and the people. I lived among the lepers, but you give a princess a bigger halo. A woman who lived in riches and luxery. How come her halo is so much bigger, God?"

And God replied "That is not a Halo, it is a steering wheel."