Emerging from a fog...

For those who have know me in SL for the past couple of years (and care), you may have noticed that I have not been in world much and that my posts have been a little off compared to those in the past.

I feel like I have to share this because it was such a revelation today. I was weaned off (one of) my last piece of shit, evil, anti-seizure drugs last night. This particular drug basically caused me to fall to the bottom of a 30 foot pond for eight months and last night my body finally floated up to the surface.

Literally I felt the sensation of it floating as I woke up in the morning - I felt such a clarity, compared to how muddled the drug was making me feel when I was on it.

Can you imagine what it is like, knowing parts of your mind exist, but not being able to access them? Knowing you have emotions, but not being able to "feel" them? You feel like you are drowning.

Nothing held my interest, nothing held my focus. My emotions were a very dull throb. Literally, I'd walk around with the sound of Circadas always a dull throb at the back of my head.

At about 3:00 AM this morning the sound of the Circada's suddenly stopped.

I opened my eyes and I started thinking about things I wanted to write again, things I wanted to read, things I wanted to do, things I wanted to create in SL. My mind was running like a Cheetah across the African savannah!

My new meds have some side affects (anorexia is one, I can live with that), but I am so happy to have what amounts to "myself" back. Truly, I sense that the medication that I was taking removed a real part of who I was. It's difficult to explain, but I'm SO glad it's back!

Hi Ya All!!

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It's amazing how a drug can make you feel so bad. I'm glad you've got the new meds, and a new zest for life!

Fantastic! I can only imagine the wonderful feelings of happiness, hope and promise that you feel again! I wish you the very best Rose.

My god, Rose, I feel you very intensely. I went through a few years of anti-depressants and the search for the right one had more problems with it than the original depression -- Paxil made me hyper and non-sexual; Zoloft caused so many internal problems that, indirectly, it was responsible for an acute case of anemia. When I finally told the doc I wanted Wellbutrin, she was skeptical but it ended up being the best move I could make. I can sorta relate to what you went through with your anti-siezure meds.

Now I've been medication-free for almost 4 years and every day I savor the sensation of being able to actually FEEL (and deal with) my emotions, the creative clarity that comes with it ... so much so that I barely even notice having to treat for my newly-discovered Diabetes At least Glucophage doesn't fuck with my brain.

Hey. Wait. What was that moving behind me?!

I am! I am!

(now if I could calm the crowds asking me to get back on).

I feel ya on the "medicated but don't wanna be" and climbing back out of a deep dark pit.

CONGRATS!

Welcome back to the world, Rose!

Yeah - only one draw back though. The Stepford Remote Control no longer works.

And Hubby wants a new one, cause all that happens when he presses the button is that I fall down on the floor, shake and pee. Amusing during half time but he'd rather I'd get him a beer.

Not happening now.

No beautiful obedient barbie. So sorry.

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Don't let it get you down. In a few weeks he'll remember to wear that helmet during games so the full beer cans don't leave marks on his head

Welcome back Rose.

I don't have to.

Congratulations on getting off the poison.

Also, cicadas.