The Chuck Norris Thread

I found this list of random Chuck Norris FACTS on the internet. It's too classic...

1.Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2.Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.

3.Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer
amazement.

4.Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb.
Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

5.Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

6.The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a
pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

7.Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

8.Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed,"Don't phuck with Chuck!"
Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

9.Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

10.To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked
15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

11.When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said,
"Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

12.Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the $hit out of little kids.

13.Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

14.Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

15.Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and $hit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

16.Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

17.Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

18.In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

19.Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

20.Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

21.Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

22.Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

23.Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

24.When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

25.Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 Asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

26.The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

27.Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

28.At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.

29.If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

boooya!

Bill Brasky always makes me laugh when I see him playing "Walker, Texas Ranger"...

To Bill Brasky!

BILL BRASSKYYY!!!

"I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury."

This is a real photograph taken during the actual event of Brasky VS Lansbury.

This reminds me of when Conan used to show clips from Walker: Texas Ranger. Here's a link to my favorite, which to this stay still makes me die laughing:

http://gorillamask.net/conanwalker4.shtml

chuck norris action jeans
are what i wear when i hit the scene
i'm a nice guy, not really that mean
when i get into a fight
it helps if i have
my chuck norris jeans

a is for action
slacks in protraction
with mind boggling speed
i kick into action

i'm kickin high, i'm kickin low
my action jeans just go go go
let me tell you somethin:
these pants aren't for the average joe

-gals panic

This just in: Chuck Norris invented the internet by roundhouse kicking a Telephone into a computer.

That's pretty good

Chuck Norris created the Universe by the "Big Bang".

Big Bang Theory: 12 to 14 billion years ago, the portion of the universe we can see today was only a few millimeters across. It has since expanded from constant roundhouse kicks from Chuck Norris into the cosmos we currently inhabit. We can see remnants of as the now cosmic less powerfull but just as lethal microwave background radiation which still pervades the universe and is visible to microwave detectors as a uniform glow across the entire sky.

I thought Al Gore invented the internet

Well, that is only because the phone got in the way of Chuck Norris RoundHouse Kicking Al.

Make no mistake.... he got Al Gore as well, Chuck never misses!

I once saw Chuck Norris wearing flannel and driving an SUV, and all I wanted to do was share my love for the bible with him... wouldn't you know he immediately roundhouse-kicked me so hard that I sprained my dinosaur, and I didn't get back from the hospital until havok 2 was released!

Chuck Norris is official ruled the supreme master of teather ball. Chuck only played once and he roundhouse kicked the ball so hard that it caused a string of tornadoes. From that day forth no one has even dared to challenge Chuck.

true, I am beginning to think the phone went through Al on it's way to the tv as the roundhouse kick made contact with Al. Perhpas this is why Al treats the internet as his child...

Kryptonite is now the second most lethal object to superman. The most lethal is now proven to be foot of Chuck Norris.

I heard from NASA that the comet that was headed for impact with Earth in the year 2012 was in fact destroyed by a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris while he was visiting Alaska to practice his roundhouse kicks on icebergs.

When Chuck Norris does push-ups hes not lifting his body wieght instead he is pushing the world away from his body.

Chuck Norris changed the atomic mass of Plutonium by raising a brow and scowling.

Chuck Norris crushed a chunk of coal into a diamond with his bare hands for his fiancee. He then crushed his fiancee into a diamond with his bare hands.

LMAO.. I got this email yesterday

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Unfortunately he has never cried.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and round house kicked her. Afterwards he bellowed, "Don't f**k with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living s**t out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded