Be Honest And Hurt No One!!!!!

Recently I had a sad experience. A friend of mine in SL had been partnered with another AV and was totally in Love. There was talk of her coming out to live with him and they seemed to have a very loving relationship…..HOWEVER…(as we all know…)Things changed ..the girl AV was seen less and less and contact with the male AV decreased to almost zilch….. As we all know this is a common occurrence. But my friend was devastated and totally heart broken over it. He would go to extraordinary lengths to contact his SL partner to no avail.

Most of us understand that Second Life is a GAME It is an environment where one can be whoever and what ever you want to be…hence the word Second Life. But I’d like to remind people that there are people in this world who are gentle and gullible and whose feelings and lives in Real life can be affected to a devastating degree by the lies that some people tell. To me this is inexcusable under any circumstances and the cruelty of the lies told leaves me cold.

The Female AV had spoken to the Male AV on the phone and they communicated by email regularly. Then she disappeared saying that she had Liver cancer and required a transplant. Although she spoke with another friend in SL she stated she had no phone, no home address and very little internet access.

When the Partner of the Female AV found this out, he was beside himself with worry, trying all ways and means to contact her, even ringing the police in her district to check on her as she also stated she had no family. I know the Male AV in RL and could see his distress and worried for his mental health, I still do in fact !

Then he found out that she was using an ALT and had remarried and mixed in a completely different circle of friends. He was so upset and inconsolable. Unfortunately due to his distress he made some tragic decisions and now has been banned from Second Life.

I ask only this…if you want to end a relationship with someone have the decency and kindness to at least send a Dear John letter stating it is over. Don’t make up terrible lies that will affect another persons/Avs real life. It is cruel beyond belief that a person could do such a wicked thing.

I know my friend was naive and I know he made a terrible mistake. BUT in all of this he really WAS the victim of an evil, cruel woman who I believe should be taken to task publicly….and if it weren’t for the dictatorial rules of Second Life I would meet with her face to face with her new group of friends and make sure they new what an evil and low act she has done to a man who really didn’t deserve that sort of treatment !!!!

I hope this Female Av is reading this post and I hope she will hang her head in shame, but people that do such wicked things have no guilt. Hopefully others will read this and take it on for some serious contemplation.....think before you hurt !!!

Unfortunately there are people, perhaps even surprisingly many people, who simply don't and can't be made to care about how other people feel. In virtual worlds manipulating others is even easier than IRL.

Some people might be convinced to change their ways, but in most cases, the only efficient advice is: don't become a victim. Do reality checks. Ask your friends for advice and perspective. Don't have your hopes hanging on a single thing and always, always have a backup plan. Always keep an eye out for your friends and gently nudge them back to reality if a relationship is showing warning signs, or their behavior is otherwise worrisome.

Sorry for your friend, it really reads like he has a terrible time recovering from this.

these two statements conflict with each other.

ps
tell your friend welcome to the internet, next time don't be so clingy, and not to be so naive... eventually he'll be jaded to this sort of thing, and even have a laugh about it.

There are 2 types of hurt and harm...1 type is by being honest with a person by telling them something that they wont like or agree with ...but it is done with empathy and compasion.

The other type of hurt or harm ...is the one that is done in dishonesty or by lies to cause harm and without regard for the other persons physical, social, emotional and spiritual well being...this is the type of hurt I am speaking about...it is done out of cruelty and is intended to degrade another persons value in themselves for ones own Selfish needs.

I agree , people need to be less gulible...but what about the innocents in here..the socially isolated and the lonely....We should protect and defend people, if they have been harmed...it is our responsibility as human beings for a start and as a virtual social community.

While I have a great deal of sympathy for your friend, and am quite willing to accept your word that he was badly hurt by someone with little consideration for his feelings, there are a couple of elements of this story that I find a little disturbing in other ways.

Calling the RL police to "check" on her may indeed have well been the actions of a frantically worried man, but they also, to my mind, cross a line that veers dangerously close to RL harassment and stalking. And I am more than mildly worried by the revelation that he was banned from SL for his subsequent actions in-world. It takes a lot, usually, to get permabanned from SL: what on earth did he do to merit that?

My point is this: while I am entirely willing to buy that this woman was an awful and heartless person, that can't justify actions that sound like verging on, if not crossing over into, harassment, threats, and stalking. (You don't make this very clear, but LL doesn't permaban people for calling them bad names.) Frankly, it sounds to me as though your friend has some serious issues of his own, relating perhaps to maturity, anger management, and an inability to distinguish very well between the fantasy world of SL, and RL. I would seriously urge your friend to seek some counselling about this. Again, I don't know what he did in SL, but ask yourself this: what would the effects have been had he done the same things to a woman in RL? And is HE capable of making that distinction?

Dating in real life is probably easier with higher rates of success.

A very good point ...and well thought out.
He rang the police due to the RL albeit ...phone conversations with the AV. And explained the situation....eg she was ill and had no family and left it to them to contact her regarding her well being.

I agree he has been a total dumb arse. But ask yourself...if you were as lonely as hell..and drowning from social paralysis...wouldnt you grab hold of a straw to survive? we all tried to warn him and gently steer him in the right direction...and yes he made the mistakes and has to pay the price.

I dont agree in anyway with what happened. I just think we should contemplate the the picture I have painted and take a little care and a little time to care for those of us that are lonely and sad...there are many in there. And if a situation arises then we should tell that person honestly and as gently as posible that it was over....DONT MAKE UP SOME HORRID LIE THAT YOU ARE DYING OR SIMULAR...thats so low ..be honest...just say hey babe...its not working and I'm moving on...then if that person keeps harassing you then you are justified in reporting them for harrassment.

I also feel for your friend. We all get hurt emotionally and I sympathize.

I do wonder if SL might have been exacerbated a problem your friend has in finding a woman. I think most men desire alpha females, just as most women desire alpha males. Yet the world is largely populated mostly by betas, gammas, deltas, and worse.

There are so many single women out there that I have to believe that your friend has his sights set too high. He's looking for Barbie, when he should be looking for Raggedy Ann... or maybe Strawberry Shortcake.

Thanks Sorrento. As regards what was, after all, your main point, I agree: we do all need to take a little more care and be gentler with each other. And honesty, even if it DOES mean hurt, is always of course the best --the ONLY -- policy when in an emotionally charged relationship.

And kudos to you for both recognizing when your friend was going over the top, and trying to steer him away from poor choices.

How many frigging zeta males are out there, anyway. And why do they all hang out where I live?

I think you understood where I was coming from and thanks for sharing your experience. People are people and there will be wicked people and there will be good people...we are imperfect all and everyone of us.

But all we can do is try to make those of our species who thrive on manipulation and degredation of others to just think ...how would if feel if it happened to them?????

Its a sad sad story and my SL friend may not recover from it...but I really had to vent my anger and disgust in the female AV involved....

Thankyou all who took the time to listen. And yes I've read your thoughts and ALL of them have such great valid points....

Hopefully my friend will read this one day...and reflect on how he could have done things in a more constructive way.

Hugz all round, and if we meet in SL please stop and say Hi...I'd love to chat with you all

And she could have seen this as being very controlling and needy. Relationships should be a partnership, not one grabbing onto a lifeboat to keep sane at the expense of the other. She might have seen this as very self-destroying to HER, her needs and wants. And ultimately, that's who she's responsible for and to. She might not have wanted to deal with the drama of saying, "I can't handle this anymore," to him and risk the emotional torture for HER, because he might continue begging for her to come back or worse. There is always a worse.

To be honest, if I was in relationship that was like what she might have thought theirs was and I could just cut the ties, I would. No "I can't handle it," speech, especially in a relationship that I feel there is a strong chance of verbal abuse and possibly RL stalking. Unlike her, however, I'd have just cut contact, no explanation. I'd have changed my numbers, my contacts, everything. Start anew.

And I'm not saying he was like that. This is just how I think she might have felt given the info you gave us. I just see that there is two possible sides to a story.

Sorrento....it's really tough to make a call some times on where to draw the line. When a manipulator tosses in a life-threatening illness or suicide threats....it's going too far. Even if that were true (and often times it is not)....that needs to be dealt with in RL. Not much someone can do from a distance.

Your friend did nothing wrong by being concerned for another human being. It's a shame that he was played. But it happens a lot here.

I don't think that you will impress upon the manipulators to change their ways. Not going to happen.

I can see your point, and its a valid one. If this were the case tho she would have cut ties with all his friends and not spoken to us...however she continued to tell us how ill she was and how much she loved him....even when we asked if she really needed to leave the realtionship.

I suppose we could hack out every lttle detail...until we go blue in the face...but I'm just trying to share with you all that actions have consequences and to take a little time to assess where you stand as a person, are you one that has no real care for the well being of others ? Or are you one that respects the rights and value of yourself and others ...?

By all means dont allow people to bully you or treat you badly...but dont do it to anyone else either.

innocence is not a virtue, it's just ignorance of what's really going on.

So I say educate, not protect. at worst you learn by your own experience, at best you can learn from the experience of others. The best protection is to teach people to protect themselves, and grants them free will to make the decisions and take the risks of their choosing, rather than our own bias.

If we educate ....arent we also offering a form of protection? Assisting another to learn to protect themselves from harm?

Well said I soooo totally agree with you

If we educate...which I think we should...isnt that offering a form of protection...giving another person the skills to protect themselves is a wonderful gift!

I sooo totally agree with you on this point...thankyou !!

I am so sorry to hear of your friends anguish. Everyone needs to remember that we're dealing with real human emotions, and although second life is a game, people need to be treated with respect and courtesy. I applaud you for your message, and hope others read it as well.. Your friend is very lucky indeed to have such a caring person by his side.

Good luck to you both

Same here, Sorrento.

Thanks everyone...
Because of you all I feel a lot better and calmer about everything.

You have given me so much more to think about...suggestions, personal experiences...

You've restored my energy

I thank you from the bottom of my heart

You should contact a nice call-girl in sl and really get it on. That way u'll forget your troubles and have a damn good plesuring into the bargain.

This jumped out at me.



Although what the woman did was definitely callous, the man's actions and choices were also his own. Assuming he is an adult, he's responsible for his own choices. The sooner that he stops blaming her 100% the sooner he will begin to move beyond this. It isn't doing him any good to linger on it, and she has long since moved on.

Until two people meet, nothing is certain. In fact, not even then. What he thought he had was always an illusion. Something good can come of it. He can examine what made him sink his heart so far into something this illusory.

We should protect and defend such sensitive people by advising them to stay away from environments where they are likely to be hurt by both honesty and dishonesty. I have better things to do with my time than to spend it making crutches for lame ducks.

Pep (By the way - there is no such word as "gulible".)

Sadly I've heard this all before. It's even happened to me. In my case and with hindsight, like Pep suggested, I became an emotional crutch for someone irl going through a 'bad time'. I provided a suitable diversion and when that 'bad time' was over, I was no longer needed. It happens frequently. It's a shitty part of human nature. The trick is to realise it, accept it or say, 'hey!, I don't want this responsibility'. It'll only happen once to you. I read a long time ago a post on these forums, that just sums it up really. 'Your individual well-being is far more important, so if someone hurts you, drop them like they're hot. Maybe they'll learn something from the experience, maybe they won't. But rest assured there's plenty more fish in the sea'