)So I decided to do this charity thing. I really went into it with the best of intentions, though I assumed that some people would look at it and find suspicion no matter how I arranged it or organized it. I tried to think of all the ways I could head those thoughts off before someone brought them up, and I hoped that my reputation otherwise would work to kill the accusations that I couldn't easily assure-away.
I guess I was a little surprised, then, to find out what my reputation is.
Aimee did a blog entry about it on her site, and right away someone came to bitch about it. I expected this and I had planned ahead for it. I didn't expect that an external MMOG blog, unaffiliated with Second Life, would pick the story up and spin it as well. The comments over there were, especially considering that the entry was about a charitable drive and not "The Biography of Joshua Nightshade," pretty mean-spirited and unfortunate.
So apparently, because of some vitriolic posts on the official forums, and then my even-less-moderated actions on Second Citizen, I'm infamous and controversial. At first I thought this was just a joke, because honestly no one knows who I am unless you frequent the forums, and even then I doubt most people care.
But this experience brought home for me in a manner I guess I've never had to face before in either Second Life or the real world the fact that I am accountable for the things I have said to others, even in text, and I was naive to assume that just because I thought I was doing something nice that would let people overlook how I've acted.
I've really never wanted to be called "controversial" before. The connotation of that, to me, is that I strive to involve myself in polemic discussions and equally so that my name is a divisive one to the community. I don't like being responsible for that.
So while I cannot erase the things that I have done or said to and about others before today, I can apologize for them.
I have said some pretty terrible things about the Lindens, Torley especially, and in retrospect it makes me feel sad that I did these things and have still managed to be fully helped, Torley especially, without a single word of attitude or condescension in response to my concerns. I doubt if it was me I would be able to help out a resident who made the claims I had about her. For that I am sorry.
I've been mean, vicious, and rude; I have allowed my annoyances and frustrations to get the better of me and I've ran unfettered, sharing my opinion about others and how things should be without any concern for whether it was correct or wanted or not.
I had no idea that when I went to start this thing I would end up being made into a spectre bigger than myself because of the things I've said in the past. I don't want anyone to feel that helping my effort out is a compromise of themselves or their values because they don't like me as a person. So I hope I can make the issue easier by saying, as heartfelt as I can, that I'm sorry.
I know some people too will look at this act suspiciously and claim it's just grandstanding, but I can't really help that. Those who want to believe I'm evil and shady will continue to do so no matter how I try to placate them. I can't make any assurances that I won't end up pissing someone off again later today, but I will promise that I'll do my best to step back, take a breath, get some coffee and not let it become personal.
For anyone else I've hurt, please accept that I'm sorry, and I'm sorry it took me so long to realize I've behaved like an asshat.
