A Short Story of Mine

Well, I just finished a short story of mine, and I was wondering if you guys could give me some opinions. I'd imagine the symbolism in it isn't too hard to find...

I've corrected it minimally, and I'd like to get some corrections on it. But I'd also like to get some opinions on the story and the moral! Enjoy (I hope)!

I like it, I kinda get it, but not totaly. Change is good?

Overall good story

Didn't make any corrections myself.

neet. u is teh roxors darwien =)

Not sure if you want like copyediting or what?

But I put on my teacher hat and read it. I like it too. My major suggestion is that it's obviously being "told" by someone who lives in the town -- sort of like a dramatic monologue, right?

I'd make that person telling the story have a bit more of a distinct personality. Right now he's just sort of that bodiless "narrator" type - except for some really interesting moments where the "voice" comes through. But something really cool happens at the end too -- where the genepool stuff is mentioned. This guy telling the story has an opinion on all of this -- he has a point of view. And his "asides" make the story more intriguing. So I'd say do more of that stuff where you give his opinion, let the guy talk a little bit more in an 'off topic' way. It may very well be that the story is really about this guy's perspective of the events, rather than the events themselves.

Oh, and any use of dialect like 'em and "gonna" and etc. needs to be done consistently with all characters or not all -- that's just a rule I learned somehwere along the way .

Otherwise, you got good grammar you do .

Zana

* possible spoiler alert *





Deen = Eden ?? I think you might have missed an edit...

<-- Insert diatribe about nature of man, conflict, and growth here.

The narrator may espouse the end result as beneficial, but doesn't tell us why in any appreciable fashion. Very abrupt changeover at the end.

I think I get it - but perhaps a bit longer wouldn't have hurt. Further exploration of the brackish nature of their current existence and such.

But cool. The style was engaging and easy to read.

=Sinclair

Thx for your comments all!

Zana: Actually, I did that on purpose. The "narrator" of the bible has an agenda, and so does this narrator. He/she does not, though, have a distinct personality, so I tried to convey that. I'll do that other thing, though.

Sin: It's an anagram. And I may just make it longer, I like that idea

Anyway, here's the full scoop:

Adam is Adam, Eva is Eve. The oil is the apple. Deen is an anagram for Eden. OK, duh.

Now, you may or may not have picked up on the little conversation between Adam and Eva about Cobb. He chewed through his leash. Adam (God in this example) wants Cobb to stay bound, while Cobb just wants to take a bite of the apple/leash and earn his freedom, and whatever dangers may come with it. Cobb's in captivity now, where he's safe. But in captivity, there's no change, no danger, and no excitement. Cobb and Eva are very much alike, they both want out.

he tree gives Eva the apple (oil) and makes them rich (rich with knowledge and freedom in the Bible) and the excevators dig up Eden (Deen) and they've all gotta leave. They all lived happily though. Every one of them. They got to see the adventures of the real world.

The Prime family (BTW, Prime as in first... Adam was first...) remembers Eva as the evil person (the Christains remember Eve as the evil person) who made them all leave Deen... but really, it was her that liberated them. It was her that let them see change and struggle as it really is.

Anyway, there you are.

OK, I'll gladly admit that I didn't get it... at least all the biblical parallels. And I did pick up on the "Prime" name as significant but honestly never gave the Bible a second thought even with the uncorrected Eden anagram.

I thought it more of a statement about "utopian" existence.

So much for my career as a philosopher...

=SV