My fellow citizens, it is an honor and a pleasure to be here today.
My opponent has openly admitted he feels an affinity toward your
city, but I happen to *like* this area. It might be a salubrious
place to him, but to me it is one of the nation's most delightful
garden spots.
When I embarked upon this political campaign I hoped that it could be
conducted on a high level and that my opponent would be willing to
stick to the issues. Unfortunately, he has decided to be tractable
instead -- to indulge in unequivocal language, to eschew the use of
outright lies in his speeches, and even to make repeated veracious
statements about me.
At first, I tried to ignore these scrupulous, unvarnished fidelities.
Now I do so no longer. *If my opponent wants a fight, he's going to
get one!*
It might be instructive to start with his background. My friends,
have you ever accidentally dislodged a rock on the ground and seen
what was underneath? Well, exploring my opponent's background is
dissimilar. All the slime and filth and corruption you could possibly
imagine, even in your wildest dreams, are glaringly nonexistent in
this man's life. And even during his childhood!
Let us take a very quick look at that childhood: It is a known fact
that, on a number of occasions, he emulated older boys at a certain
playground. It is also known that his parents not only permitted him
to masticate excessively in their presence, but even urged him to do
so. Most explicable of all, this man who poses as a paragon of virtue
exacerbated his own sister while they were both teenagers!
I ask you, my fellow Americans: is this the kind of person we want in
public office to set an example for our youth? Of course, it's not
surprising that he should have such a typically pristine background
-- no, not when you consider the other members of his family:
His female relatives put on a constant pose of purity and innocence,
and claim they are inscrutable, yet every one of them has taken part
in hortatory activities.
The men in the family are likewise completely amenable to moral suasion.
My opponent's second cousin is a Mormon.
His uncle was a flagrant heterosexual.
His sister, who has always been obsessed by sects, once worked as a
proselyte outside a church.
His father was secretly chagrined at least a dozen times by matters
of a pecuniary nature.
His youngest brother wrote an essay extolling the virtues of being a
homo sapiens.
His great-aunt expired from a degenerative disease.
His nephew subscribes to a phonographic magazine.
His wife was a thespian before their marriage and even performed the
act in front of paying customers.
And his own mother had to resign from a women's organization in her
later years because she was an admitted sexagenarian.
Now what shall we say of the man himself?
I can tell you in solemn truth that he is the very antithesis of
political radicalism, economic irresponsibility, and personal
depravity. His own record *proves* that he has frequently
discountenanced treasonable, un-American philosophies and has
perpetrated many overt acts as well.
He perambulated his infant son on the street.
He practiced nepotism with his uncle and first cousin.
He attempted to interest a 13-year-old girl in philately.
He participated in a seance at a private residence where, among other
odd goings-on, there was incense.
He has declared himself in favor of more homogeneity on college campuses.
He has advocated social intercourse in mixed company -- and has taken
part in such gatherings himself.
He has been deliberately averse to crime in our streets.
He has urged our Protestant and Jewish citizens to develop more
catholic tastes.
Last summer he committed a piscatorial act on a boat that was flying
the American flag.
Finally, at a time when we must be on our guard against all foreign
isms, he has cooly announced his belief in altruism -- and his
fervent hope that some day this entire nation will be altruistic!
I beg you, my friends, to oppose this man whose life and work and
ideas are so openly and avowedly compatible with our American way of
life. A vote for him would be a vote for the perpetuation of
everything we hold dear.
The facts are clear; the record speaks for itself.
Do your duty.
"Mad's Guaranteed Effective All-Occasion Non-Slanderous Political
Smear Speech" by Bill Garvin
[note: Although this version is from Mad, a very similar speech was
actually used by a Florida Congressman named Claude Pepper. Claude
Pepper was running for the US Senate against George Smathers.
Smathers (or his cronies) organized a whisper campaign against Pepper
- "His sister is a thespian, his brother is a homo sapiens, he
matriculated while in college, etc." Pepper returned fire by giving
a speech right before the election, so there wasn't time for the
evening news or the opposing candidate to translate what the speech
really meant; and though it may all have been true, it was very
confusing. Pepper won the election. This version is so similar to
Pepper's that it seems that several lines were lifted straight from
Pepper's speech.]”
Welcome to the Second Life Forums Archive
These forums are CLOSED. Please visit the new forums HERE