* If staying in a haunted house, women should always investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
* If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
* All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
* All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
* It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
* Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
* The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
* Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
* A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
* During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
* Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
* Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
* A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
* All single women have a cat.
* Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
* Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
* Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
* It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
* During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
* When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
* Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
* When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
* Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
* Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
* All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
* It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
* Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
* A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
* If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
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~Things We Know Because of TV~ |
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ZsuZsanna Raven
~:+: Supah Kitteh :+:~
Join date: 19 Dec 2004
Posts: 2,361
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03-30-2005 09:54
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~Mewz!~
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Liona Clio
Angel in Disguise
Join date: 30 Aug 2004
Posts: 1,500
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03-30-2005 10:15
* All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
Corollary: All bombs fitted with electronic timing devices will always only be able to be deactivated at 00:01, regardless of the skill of the person disarming it. _____________________
"Well, my days of not taking you seriously have certainly come to a middle."
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Lecktor Hannibal
YOUR MOM
Join date: 1 Jul 2004
Posts: 6,734
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03-30-2005 10:16
and it is always the blue wire.
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YOUR MOM says, 'Come visit us at SC MKII http://secondcitizen.net '
Oh, Lecktor, you're terrible. Bikers have more fun than people ! |
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Lianne Marten
Cheese Baron
Join date: 6 May 2004
Posts: 2,192
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03-30-2005 10:23
Good stuff
 On a related note: Evil Overlord List 1-100 Appendix A Appendix B Selected goodies from above lists: -One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation. -I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation. -No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber. -I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion. -I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions. -I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve. -If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless. -If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering. -All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away. -I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering -If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids. _____________________
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ZsuZsanna Raven
~:+: Supah Kitteh :+:~
Join date: 19 Dec 2004
Posts: 2,361
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03-30-2005 10:24
* All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. Corollary: All bombs fitted with electronic timing devices will always only be able to be deactivated at 00:01, regardless of the skill of the person disarming it. true true...hehe _____________________
~Mewz!~
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a lost user
Join date: ?
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03-31-2005 07:29
HAHA... TY for the laugh today.
Here is one that I thought up. In Russian Roulette the bullet is NEVER the first one in the chamber! _____________________
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Rose Karuna
Lizard Doctor
Join date: 5 Jun 2004
Posts: 3,772
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03-31-2005 07:50
It appears that even CSI Las Vegas has a hurricane season because in scenes where CSI collect evidence light switches inside houses never, ever work - always requiring a flashlight. CSI Miami, I can understand it, sometimes.
This drives me nuts. . _____________________
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
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Garoad Kuroda
Prophet of Muppetry
Join date: 5 Sep 2003
Posts: 2,989
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03-31-2005 08:24
With CA's power supply problems, you still have a problem with that? hehehe
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BTW
WTF is C3PO supposed to be USEFUL for anyway, besides whining? Stupid piece of scrap metal would be more useful recycled as a toaster. But even that would suck, because who would want to listen to a whining wussy toaster? Is he gold plated? If that's the case he should just be melted down into gold ingots. Help the economy some, and stop being so damn useless you stupid bucket of bolts! R2 is 1,000 times more useful than your tin man ass, and he's shaped like a salt and pepper shaker FFS! |
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Unhygienix Gullwing
I banged Pandastrong
Join date: 26 Jun 2004
Posts: 728
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03-31-2005 10:09
and it is always the blue wire. Yes, always the b- NO, WAIT, THE RED! THE RED!!!! CUT THE RED WIRE, DO YOU READ?! -03 -02 -01 ..................... -01 -01 -01 -01 -whew- I learned that if my family's Nielson ratings go down, we can always have another kid. If that doesn't work, we can speed-grow the kid from baby to 6-year-old in the space of a single season, in order to make them more interesting to the viewing public. |
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a lost user
Join date: ?
Posts: ?
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03-31-2005 10:17
It appears that even CSI Las Vegas has a hurricane season because in scenes where CSI collect evidence light switches inside houses never, ever work - always requiring a flashlight. CSI Miami, I can understand it, sometimes. This drives me nuts. . HAHA... We noticed that too... and crimes are never investigated in the daytime either.  _____________________
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Vanillia Tapioca
Second Life Resident
Join date: 26 Nov 2004
Posts: 1,322
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03-31-2005 11:05
`but what is the fun in invesitgating in the day time.. its so much more creepy at night isnt it??
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a lost user
Join date: ?
Posts: ?
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03-31-2005 11:12
When yopu hear strange noises at night... whatever you do, don't turn on a light & get help... creep very slowly in skimpy clothing & go take a closer look where the noise came from.
Don't get your shotgun out & sit waiting in your bedroom either... go hide in a closet. _____________________
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Vanillia Tapioca
Second Life Resident
Join date: 26 Nov 2004
Posts: 1,322
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03-31-2005 11:14
indeed.. ive found myself saying that very thing.. lets not get help.. lets just wait for them to come attack us shall we? lol.. too funny.. good one billy
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a lost user
Join date: ?
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03-31-2005 11:36
Oh, and another good one. Any time ya go down into the dark n dreary basement... and EVERY house has a dark n dreary basement... whatever light source you have is gonna go out when you get to the bottom of a long creeky staircase.
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Isis Becquerel
Ferine Strumpet
Join date: 1 Sep 2004
Posts: 971
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03-31-2005 12:32
When yopu hear strange noises at night... whatever you do, don't turn on a light & get help... creep very slowly in skimpy clothing & go take a closer look where the noise came from. Don't get your shotgun out & sit waiting in your bedroom either... go hide in a closet. And if the person/beast/dead guy that continues to reincarnate happened to forget to cut your telephone wires, never call the police first. Instead call your estranged husband unless he is the person/beast/dead guy that continues to reincarnate in which case you call your new lover who happens to live two subway transfers and a bus ride away. Also everyone who works at any hospital is a stone cold fox no matter how many hours they have been elbow deep in a disembowled body, all who work in morgues are extemely intelligent with dry senses of humor and patients who were last seen splayed out on a table with enough tubes to make an octopus jealous are speaking well enough the next day to find out that the nurse who worked their surgery is actually their long lost twin sister. _____________________
One of the most fashionable notions of our times is that social problems like poverty and oppression breed wars. Most wars, however, are started by well-fed people with time on their hands to dream up half-baked ideologies or grandiose ambitions, and to nurse real or imagined grievances.
Thomas Sowell As long as the bottle of wine costs more than 50 bucks, I'm not an alcoholic...even if I did drink 3 of them. |
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ZsuZsanna Raven
~:+: Supah Kitteh :+:~
Join date: 19 Dec 2004
Posts: 2,361
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03-31-2005 12:36
Oh, and another good one. Any time ya go down into the dark n dreary basement... and EVERY house has a dark n dreary basement... whatever light source you have is gonna go out when you get to the bottom of a long creeky staircase. And hopefully you have a match that will of course light up the entire room... ;P _____________________
~Mewz!~
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Talen Morgan
Amused
Join date: 2 Apr 2004
Posts: 3,097
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03-31-2005 12:36
McGyver taught me to always carry a stick of gum ( the foil can be used to make electrical connections and the chewed gum can stick things together ) Some fishing line, matches, cigarettes, and a file...in case I need some aluminum oxide
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Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day...set a man on fire and he'll be warm the rest of his life
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Vanillia Tapioca
Second Life Resident
Join date: 26 Nov 2004
Posts: 1,322
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03-31-2005 12:41
i so loved that show!!!!!
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Vanillia Tapioca
Second Life Resident
Join date: 26 Nov 2004
Posts: 1,322
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03-31-2005 12:42
but i love him even more in stargate woot!
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