Pendari started it!!!

Following in her footsteps, I present my joke:
If you hate it, take it out on Darko


The man, the horse, and the money.


A man walks into a dusty old bar and orders a drink from the bartender. Swigging his beer, the man looks around the bar and notices a horse and a pot full of silver dollars in the back corner of the bar.

Puzzled, the man asks the bartender "What's with the horse and the money?"

"That my friend is a challenge. All you have to do is make the horse laugh, and that pot of money is yours."

The man sits silent for a moment, takes a swig of his beer and walks over to the horse. He leans in to the horse and whispers something in its ear. Slowly, a smile creeps up on the horses face and before long, the horse is laughing uncontrollably. The man picks up the pot of money and leaves the bar.


A few weeks later, the man visits the same bar. As he's drinking his beer, he notices the same horse in the corner with another pot of money.

The man again asks the bartender about the horse and the money. "This time, my friend, it's a bit more of a challenge. You must make the horse cry."

The man gets up from his barstool, heads over to the horse and stands in front of him for a moment. Suddenly, the horse starts whimpering and soon is crying like a baby.

The man grabs the pot of money and heads for the door. Before he makes it out of the bar, the bartender stops him and asks "How'd you do it? I've had that horse and the same pot of money in this bar for years and noone's been able to win it. You come in and in two weeks, win it TWICE! How'd you do it?"

"The first time I had to make the horse laugh, so I told him my dick was bigger than his. The second time, I had to make him cry, so I showed him."

Great!

oh, my, that was good!

here is one I was sent recently that made me laugh:

O’Malley moved from Ireland to New York and the first thing he did was find a bar. He went in, ordered three beers, then retired to a booth and drank a little from one, then the second, then the third. He continued this until all three beers were gone.

After that, he showed up everyday, ordered three beers, and drank them the same way.

After a month of this the bartender finally said, “It’s none of my business, but the way you order your beer, by the time you finish the last one it’s got to be warm and flat.”

O’Malley replied, “When I lived in Ireland my two brothers and I went to the local pub after work every day and each had a pint and we always vowed that should we ever separate we’d still order three beers and drink them, even if we were alone.”

“Oh,” the bartender nodded. “Now I understand.”

O’Malley continued to show up every day and order three beers until, one day, he came in and ordered just two. He took them back to a booth and proceeded to drink them.

The bartender watched him for a few minutes, then went around the bar and approached his booth. “May I give you my condolences?” he asked.

“For what?” O’Malley asked.

“Well, I see you ordered only two beers today, so I figure something happened to one of your brothers.”

“Oh, no,” O’Malley exclaimed. “I just married a Baptist and she made me give up drinking. But that in no way affects my brothers.”

Mary and Mickey Malone were newlyweds and one day Mary says to Mickey. I think I am pregnant. Mickey says well call the doctor. After Mary hangs up the telephone Mickey says what did the doctor say? Mary says, he wants to see me tomorrow and bring a speciman but whats that? Mickey says I don't know but ask Mrs O'brien say has 14 kids and should know.
Mary takes off for the O'briens and about a hour later she comes back with a black eye, her hair is messed up and dress is torn. Mickey says good god woman what happened to you?
Mary said, I asked her and she said piss in a bottle. So I said shit in your hat and the fight was on.

Man walks into a bank and approaches the first available teller, she asks "Can I help you Sir?"

He replies, "Yes, I'd like to open a f*cking bank account"

"I beg your pardon?"

"A F*cking bank account, I'd like to f*cking start one at your f*cking bank"

She shakes her head, slowly before replying, "Sir, you can't speak like that here - I for one find it rather offensive.."

"Oh f*ck!", he replies, "Well, can I f*cking start one or not?"

"Sir, I'll have to ask you once more, please refrain from using that language in here!"

"F*ck ME!", He sighs... , "All I want is a f*cking bank account for f*cks sake!, can you just fetch the f*cking forms and let me fill the sonbitch out and get this f*cker started?"

"Sir", she says - getting more agitated, "If you continue using that language, I'll have to fetch the Manager"

"Fine! Fetch the f*cker then!" he says "Maybe that f*ck can get this f*cking thing sorted out! -- f*ck!"

She calls the manager who calmly walks out to see what's going on.. Looking the gent over he asks, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"F*ck!", he says, "I just won 50 million f*cking dollars in the f*cking lottery - so all I want to do is start a f*cking bank account so I can deposit this f*cking money, and get it the f*ck outta my house!!! -- for f*cks sake!"

"Ahhhh I see", says the manager slowly nodding his head, "and this c*nt won't give you the forms?"


Siggy.

A man and his son are out walking one saturday morning.
During their walk, the two spy a couple of dogs in the act of making whoopee on a neighbor's lawn.

Son - Daddy! What are they DOING?
Dad - Aw son, they're just making puppies...that's all.

The two headed home and went about their day...
That evening, the son was awoken by the sounds of passionate luv-making upstairs in his parents room.
The boy quietly made his way upstairs, eased open his parents' door, and was shocked to find his folks madly humping away...

Son - DADDY! What are you and mommy doing?!?
Dad (slightly annoyed) - Son, we're...um...making you a new sister!

Son - Well then, flip mom over, I'd rather have a PUPPY!

MONTANA DEPARTMENT OF FISH AND GAME ADVISORY ON BEARS

Helena Montana, January 31, 1999 - In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field. "We advise that outdoorsmen should wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them," a spokesman said. "We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear".

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear paw prints and scat.

A grizzly's paw is larger and its claws are longer than that of a black bear.

Black bear scat contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear scat has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

*shivers* OMG...that is pure hell...poor guy...*sniffs*

Anyways....

A married couple in the midst of a huge spat were walking down the beach. The man spots a glittering object in the sand and they both dive for it at the same time. The object was an old Persian oil lamp, and the two wrestled with each other for a few minutes for possession of it...
All of a sudden, a cloud of smoke puffed out of the lamp, which formed into a rather large djinn.

"Lo there, mortal! You have rubbed my lamp and are now my master! I will now grant you three wishes" the djinn pronounced.

"Which one of us?," the man asked, still tugging at the lamp in his wifes hand.

"Hmm...well, this is new," the djinn said, "Alright, how about this...since the woman had more of a grasp on the lamp when I was summoned, and since you actually spotted it first, I'll offer a compromise."

The djinn then stated that the man would be able to ask for three wishes, but everything he asked for, the woman would get as well....only twice the amount. They both agreed, though the man was a bit irked at the compromise...

"Ok, genie," the man said "for my first wish...I want a billion dollars."

"As you wish," said the djinn. In front of the man appeared a virtual mountain of cash....in front of the woman appeard two mountains of cash...The man frowned.

Thinking himself sly, the man made his second wish.
"Mr. Genie, for wish number two...I want 15 of the hottest women in the world as my own love slaves"
"As you wish"...in front of the man appeared 15 lovelies, and in front of his wife appeared 30 beefcake men...the man cried "Doh!" and smacked his forehead....

"Ok smartassed Genie-man," The man sneered, "I have one more wish...a special one."
"Make your wish, mortal," the djinn said.

The man thought for a second, looked over at his wife and smiled..."Mr. Genie, I want you to beat me half to death."

"As you wish."

Hahahha!!! These are great! Keep them coming!



The Ant and the Elephant


One lazy summer day, an elephant is walking down a path in the forest, when suddenly he hears a cry for help. As he follows the cries for help, he comes upon a giant pit in the ground. Down at the bottom of the pit is an ant, who has been stuck down there for days.

"Please Mr. Elephant, could you help me? I can't climb out of this hole and I've been stuck down here for days. Could you lower your trunk and lift me out?"

"Certainly, Mr. Ant." says the elephant. He lowers his trunk down into the hole, but it's just not long enough. Mr. Ant tries to jump to reach the trunk, but it's just too far.

"It's not working!" says the ant. The elephant thinks for a second and then comes up with a brilliant idea.

"I've got it! I'll lower down my dick and you climb on." So the elephant lowers his huge member down into the hole and to the ants amazement, he's able to easily climb on.

"Thank you Mr. Elephant! You've saved my life!" says the ant.


A few days later, the ant is walking down the same path in the forest and hears a cry for help. He follows the cries and they lead him to the same hole where he sees the elephant has fallen in and is now stuck at the bottom.

"Please Mr. Ant, can you return the favor and help me out?" says the elephant.

"Of course!" replies the ant. The ant ponders for a second remembering how the elephant was able to retrieve him from the hole. Of course, the ants nowhere near as endowed as the elephant, so he has to come up with another way to save the elephant.

Then it dawns on him. "I'll be right back, Mr. Elephant". The ant runs home, grabs his keys, jumps in his Corvette and races over to the hole. He tosses a rope down to the elephant and tells him to tie it around his waist. The ant ties the other end of the rope to his Corvette.

"Ready?" asks the ant. "Ready!" replies the elephant.

The ant rev's his big-block V8, floors the gas and pulls the elephant to safety.


Moral of the story....

If you got a big dick, you don't need a Corvette.






Completely sophmoric...but it's good to share with friends who drive Vettes.

HAHA...I love it Juro. NICE!!

Hmmmmmm....Juro do you have a thing for penises??? I sense Juro is a closet freak.

I am totally out about my freak-ness, hun! And I plead the 5th about penises.

A kid is sitting on the side of the road, holding a bottle. A priest comes along
and asks what it is.

"It's called turpentine," the kid replies. "It's the most powerful stuff in the
universe."

The priest looks at the bottle reflectively for a moment, then advises, "Son, I
believe the most powerful thing in the universe is holy water. Did you know if
you rub it on a pregnant woman's stomach, she'll pass a baby?"

The kid says, "That's nothin' Father. If I rub this on a cat's ass, it'll pass a
motorcycle."

God says to Adam and Eve "I have only two gifts left to give you" The first one is who wants to pee standing up. Just then Adam blurts I do! God says, Well Eve that leaves you with multple orgasims.

these are great! I just have to add my favorite one in!


What did the egg say to the boiling water??

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I just got laid and you want me to get hard when??!!!


LOL, my dad tells that joke, I love it!! No offense to certain eggs out there as I'm sure he has a great recovery time.

LOL
-Adrian

Is that like, the sims with escort clubs in them?