Moral Dilema

Since so many discussions of ethics have happened here, I'm turning to you all to help me answer a question...

Three years ago I started dating a man who was bright, funny and in every way my better Two months in the relationship, he was in an accident that resulted in a traumatic brain injury. He had no famiy, so I took him in and have been caring for him since.

Twenty two months later, I find myself asking how much longer I am obilgated to care for him. He can support himself, albeit not well, and could live independently. Still, if I were to ask him to move out, his standard of living would fall from middle class to poor.

What, if you are willing to venture an opinion (and I recognize this is a tough issue) is my obligation? What is the right thing to do?

Bhodi, who at the moment would really love some input...

You are under no LEGAL obligation to care for him. And, I for one do not believe we are OBLIGATED to be our 'brother's keepers'. You have cared for him, he has had ample time to 'get on his feet'. I would suggest helping him find a situation where he can live on his own, or in a group home if need be. You have been a 'good samaritan', but no need for you to become a martyr.

I'm with Devlin. It was wonderful for you to care for him, and it says volumes about the kind of person you are. But we all only get one brief life to find happiness and pursue our dreams and hopes. You need to look out for your needs too.

Bhodi,
You are a wonderful person to others when it counts, and for that I congratulate you wholeheartedly!

When is Bhodi going to be good to Bhodi?

I would offer this as a transitional stage - make him pay rent.
I understand not wanting to slam him out into the cold, but until you put down your foot and set a schedule or a timetable, he wont be going anywhere.
So... Id say something like, "Okay.... I have been thinking and its time for us both to move on. You have 3 months to find a job. 3 months to save your money and get out on your own again or start paying me half the bills around here 6 months from today or its out on your can friend."

I think this sets a fair level of expectation that the relationship is over as far as you are concerned and 6 months is MORE than enough time for him to get his acto together and move on.
Shape Up or Ship Out!
Make 2004 "Be nice to Bhodi" Year!

Thanks for the input so far... but I think I may have given the wrong impression. This is NOT Sig Other. This person lives in a spare bedroom and has since he came out of the rehab facility. (He was in there for 11 months, and during that time I met and moved in with Sig Other.) We hadn't been dating all that long, or all that seriously, when the accident happened and I, besides, I just can't imagine doing the mystery dance with someone whose functional IQ is now about 75.

Just wanted to be clear about that - although I don't know WHY it was suddenly important to me to be sure no one thought I was sleeping with this person. But it was!

Bhodi, I think the thing is do you think he would understand if you were to sit him down and explain the facts of life to him IE you have been a good safe haven long enough. I am sorry to hear of his misfortune and it does speak volumes of your charature to do something of this nature.

Unfortunately reality is a beast that sometimes cannot be reckoned with. Things to consider in this matter.

#1 Finacialy if it is draining and removing from "Your" flesh and blood family then its time for the guest, that has over stayed their welcome due to circumstance, to go.

#2 With no deep felt phyisical attraction or need being there that should help in being semi disconnected when explaining things to him.

#3 Consider the feelings for your sig. other. This may be praying on their mind that you are taking care of this other individual and may feel, even though its not happening, that there is a small barrier between you because of this person.

#4 What Chris said about doing it over a period of time is good. Consider it a six month evicition without the court system.

#5 Its time for Bhodi to be free of an obligation that shouldnt have been hers in the first place.


I truly do undestand in a sense but I have a situation that is minorly simular. My Grand mother has a home. We moved out of our single-wide moble home to our newly built house. We are still paying on the moble home as no one would buy it.
Upside down is not even a word in my vocabulary on this one.

However the deal I struck with my parents and my grand mother was a simple one. They would sell her old house and pay off my moble home and put the rest of the money in the bank for my grandmother to live on in retirement. Meanwhile waiting on that to happen I would continue to pay on the moble home until she could get her house sold. That was 18 months ago.

Well I do not know what went wrong but Now I have my grandmother living in my old home that I am paying on. My cousin is paying Rent to my parents and living in my grandmothers old house and now I am struggling to make ends meet.

I know it may sound like I was whining or crying but I wasnt I have resolved that it is my lot in life because it is blood kin and not a stranger. Were this same situation a stranger or non-blood relation this would no longer be a problem for me because they would be paying Rent.

So I guess in Closing Bhodi, Go with your heart do what is best for you and your "Family" and let the NON-Family know that the Hospitality train is at the station and he needs to get off.

Sincerely, ShadowWeaver

I have to agree. It's wonderful, truly, that you cared for this person when he needed help and had no one, but your life is your life. Don't let misguided guilt put an albatros around your neck though. If this was about a family member I would feel different, but we're talking about a guy you know. There's just no obligation to become the life-long caretaker for a guy you happen to know.

You've done more for this guy than most people I know would have. You have a life to live, and you've already done all you could. Misguided guilt sucks, don't let it trap you.

"For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and lose his own soul?

Follow your heart...

I.....
ummmm
WOW!
What SHE said!

Bhodi,

it seems the biggest problem you have is not having him move out, but worrying about his financial security once he has moved out. so, the answer is, find a way to help him gain financial security that he could maintain on his own.

my idea:

have him, or even help him, set up one (or more) of those 'set this thing up somewhere and collect money every month' deals. internet kiosks seem to be a hot one at the moment and from what i understand you can make a decent amount of money off of them.
..this would mean, little work required on his end with a decent (livable & possibly more) income.


i hope it all works out for you! i truly empathisize.. i've lived with my father as his 'caretaker' (he's not disabled, just an alcoholic who needs me to help keep him in line, do bills, chores, etc..) ..for just over 3 years now!

let us know if there's a resolution to the problem.

With an IQ of 75 there isn't a big range of tasks he can handle. However, Bhodi, with your connections as an advocate of the handicapped I would think it shouldn't be too hard to find him a group home.

Thanks, all, for your input. For those of you who suggested group homes, they are a thing of the past, at least around here. What we have now are "personal care homes". Sounds good, doesn't it? Actually, they tend to be squalid little places that are essentially foster homes for adults with disabilities. The person who runs the home has no specific training - it tends to simply be run by couples who couldn't find any other employment in their own homes. The personal care home takes the "care recipients" whole SSDI check in exchange for what little care is provided, and then warehouses the person. Defintely not an option!

The other option is to help him find Section 8 housing and then to get him an attendant. While he is elligeble for attendant services (he can not do activities that require sequencing any longer - such cooking or managing his own finances), there is a "freeze" on the Medicaid program because of the state's budget problems. According to the advocate I work with whose issue this is to pursue, there is not much change it will be "unfrozen" in the next few years.

So I suppose where I am really stuck is here: I recognize I am not responsible for him, but the community (who is, IMHO) doesn't have adequate services or supports in place for him to successfully transition out of my home without loosing his autonomy to a personal care provider. When I met him, he was just finishing up his Ph.D. in Chemical Engineering. It's too depressing to imagine that the only option for him is to rot away in a squalid little personal care home, not allowed to do anything but sit all day and watch bad television. Nor is that what he wants.

It's a very sticky problem!

But I guess if I'm not willing to let him suffer with what is available, I don't have any choice but to continue to provide something better. At least for now.

Still, it helped to hear your input while I was down about this!

Thanks,
B

ok more facts equals a significantly different problem...
The fact of the matter is that I am blown away that you have dealt with this for as long as you already have!

First, as corny as it sounds, get with the salvation army.
They do wonders with people in his situation and employment.
Working for a living should do wonders for his self esteem!

Second, NO ONE is completely without family of *some* kind.
How far have you researched this?

Lastly, ask yourself this question and be honest....
"How long am I willing to be his primary caregiver?"

Another year?
Five?
Ten?
For life?
Someone else has to step up to the plate here and take responsibility as his primary caregiver.

Why would you allow your kind and caring soul to imprison you or burden you? I know that referring to the situation as a burden is harsh, but is it not the truth?

When you both met and had your initial dates you were both living your lives as independent human beings.

Since his accident you have been extremely kind in helping him through a life-changing event. However, the change is over.

It is time for him and for you to move on and continue your lives as they are today. He is not the same man you met. He is not the same man he was.

You may even be doing him a disservice by providing a sheltered world. There is a life out there for all of us. It is time for you both to get on with it.

Bhodi;

I am saying a prayer for you.

Cath