People's reaction

My boyfriend reacts negatively to me spending time on SL. we live together, so it's hard to get privacy...
He was raised at a completely different time (we have a significant age difference) so he doesn't comprehend virtual worlds ... although he's played MechWarrior and things like that..... But....
it's just hard to tell people without them being immediately negative.
I'm hesitant to tell anyone else....

Anybody else find a problem with this?

Some of my friends who play computer and console games have similar problems, Nimue. Most of them are guys, and their girlfriends/wives abhor any computer/console game/etc usage. Their ages to their sig others are fairly close, so their dislike of games does not stem from growing up in a different time as much as other factors (the idea that computer games are "useless"; games take up "together" time; etc etc). Their sig others, however, don't like any games, not just online ones.

I used to get a lot of flak from my parents for playing online games, because they thought I was addicted and played them entirely too much. They did turn around, though... I think because they realized I wasn't turning into a mindless zombie and was still pretty much myself. (:

I am lucky in that my husband plays SL and other games with me as well. My work environment is different too, because my section chief and a unit chief both have X-boxes and talk to me about the online games I play.

I'm not sure if what you are experiencing is the norm, but I would hope people would eventually be more accepting of your hobby. (:

I recently ended a realationship where it was an issue.
Funny how SL can take precidence over RL.

Crow=)

Were there other control issues? Perhaps it wasn't SL?

I am married to a wonderful man, except he does not understand why I spend so much time online. I have tried to get him interested in SL, but he just says he doesn't have time.

His remedy to this? He is looking to buy a cabin cruiser and stay on the boat a lot. My first question to this suggestion.... Can we get internet there? Hehe.

Its a fairly common occurrence with spouses and on line games. Your boyfriend (BF) is a "SL widower."

A lot of it is just personality. Personality wise he does not have a love for computer games or on line worlds like you do.

He probably feels neglected when you are in SL. This can cause a lot of conflict.

I can't think of much you can do about it unfortunately, short of quitting playing (don't do that ).

Maybe if things don't work out with him you can find a nice on-line addict BF. Thus you will neglect each other equally and appreciate more the time you spend together in RL.

*Laughs* there are a lot of guys who would love to meet someone with the same computer interests.

It's very true, online gaming or actually just the internet can have a huge impact on a relationship. For mine (and i've never discussed this publicly cept with a few people in world) it devestated it. It drew us apart and in the end, with mistakes on both our ends we've decided to get a divorce.

<beginbittersadblahblahblahpoomood>

The funny thing about it all...is i'm still here online, playing these games/involved in virtual communties, while my husband(soon to be ex), is living somewhere with another woman. So how come i'm still here?

</endbittersadblahblahblahpoomood>

*irked,hurt,blahblah*

I just think couples who are in relationships need to be careful, cause you might think things are ok....when in reality they're not

Hope the hubby doesn't mind me posting here...but I thought it might be helpful.

My husband joined SL back in August I think, and spent LOTS of time here. I got VERY jealous, and it really did start to affect our relationship. We started speaking and seeing each other less...and getting along was, well, a challange. And my husband enjoyed it so much, I couldn't ask him to give it up.

Most of the problem was that I thought SL was a bad thing....something to keep people away from living their real lives. And my lack of computer and gaming knowledge didn't help either. We tried compromise after compromise, and nothing worked.....things were only getting worse.

After much hurt and confusion, I decided that I should give SL a try....after all, my hubby enjoyed it so much, it couldn't be all bad. I signed up for my trial account and was on my way into the world. I was immediately taken back by the world itself...it was so overwhelming, but I knew that I had to give SL a fair chance. Blah, blah, blah....by my third day, I had a yearly premium membership and a land teir. I didn't completely understand what SL was and how helpful it can be to somepeople......let alone the creative possibilities that it holds until I played it for myself.

Bottom line, any online game can be a strain on a relationship, and to make things work, both parties involved have to make a concious effort to make things work. Whether it be having you BF get a trial and find out for himself what SL is (never know, he could become just as addicted as I am) or cutting down your SL time to spend time with your BF. Whatever you do, DO NOT let a virtual world get in the way of a RL relationship....IMHO, it's not worth it.

..something i learned too too late in my marriage, maybe this thread will help others? I hope so

I completely agree, Medici and Aurelie. This is EXTREMELY important. Although Ama and I spend a LOT of time online, we make sure to spend a ton of time taking hikes, bugging each other, etc. too.

Playing games together online is better than playing solo, but RL interaction is still needed to keep a healthy relationship IMO.

Exactly, the problem with my husband and I was that he wasn't interested in the same online activities as me, instead he liked chatting....which led to erm....'extra' things within his retarded little world (sorry am still bitter). I tried getting him interested but he would stay up all night chatting and stuff, anyhow my point is, you just need to be careful. We thought we were spending time by ourselves (you know to get some alone time), but it turned into picking that over each other....unfortunately.

As much as i love SL and the games i've played in the past, if i had a choice right now, i'd pick him over any of this, but i don't have that choice anymore.

so heads up! don't make the same mistake i did

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I completely agree Alek!

That pretty accurately describes my relationship with my husband. We are equally addicted to the net (we even met on the net), but we make sure to spend offline time together. In fact, I need to get ready right now because we're going out for a walk in the park.

While all the things mentioned here can be true, and all warnings can be valid...what many fail to realize is that this state of affairs in a relationship has nothing at all to do with gaming, or being online.

There is no difference between the person who spends time away from their partner at the pub, or playing golf, or reading all the time, than the person who plays online games a lot. It is the self-absorbsion in ANY activity or hobby to the exclusion of a partner that can lead to strife at home. Online games like SL are no different in any way. Couples have struggled with these issues for as long as we have had the current expectations of relationships, long before the internet and virtual lives. The wife that complains about a husband always off golfing or the one plugged into the TV sports channel is no different than the husband complaining about the wife chatting online, or playing everquest too much.

Most of the problem, in my opinion, comes from a failure on many people's part to be able to accept that the person they love may have an interest that doesn't involve or center around them. It can be a form of insecurity, a need to be the ONLY thing your partner wants and needs...and that is unrealistic, and utterly unfair.

Everyone has hobbies and interests, and anyone who loves another should be able to accept that that person will need some time alone, time to persue aspects of them that may not interest their partner, or may take their attention away at times. You have to accept the people you love as they are...not as you wish them to be.

True, many hobbies or interests can be taken too far by some, but online virtual games are no different than any other examples that could be offered. In any of those cases, the problem is either with a deficiency in the relationship that drives the partner to excess at a hobby to "lose themselves", or simply an addictive personality on the part of the partner. Either way, even if not involved with online games, they would express the problem at it's root in obsessing over another interest or hobby.

People have to learn to compromise. Unfortunately, we are a society of rather insecure people these days, and things that draw our loved ones' attentions away often feel like threats. But, the bigger threat is for you not to accept the partner's interests and needs. It is that lack of respect for your loved ones that will drive them away more than anything.

I am lucky now. My partner, Raivyn and I share similar interests for the most part. We both play a lot of online and offline games together, we like the same books and read a lot, love the same movies, etc. I wasn't always so lucky before I met her. My ex-husband (who spent 7 years cheating on me because he "had something in him that had to get out" convinced me to give up my art and writing because it took too much time from him. That nearly destroyed me. It was too much a part of who I am, too much a part of my soul, and not writing during some of the most difficult periods of my life came close to driving me insane. In the end, it was the underlying attitude that drove us apart...his inability to respect who I was, and what my needs were...not his cheating, or the women he would bring home and force me to be with, my cancer, or the death of our children. His lack of respect ended our marriage.

I agree that you should always be aware of problems that start arising in a relationship, and immediately work to corret them. But, don't give up things that matter to you, that are a part of you for others. If they respect and love you...they will understand that you need these parts of yourself and allow you to be you. Cutting yourself off, piece by piece for someone else isn't love.

Just my views, from another who has been there and done that.

--tava