At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?" Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick like you."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at
their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells,
dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the
house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were
checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few
days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit...
Repairmen refused to work in the house...
The maid quit...
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house.
She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her
divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth... but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...
............including the curtain rods.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know you're from Canada when...
1. You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.
4. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
5. You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.
6. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores
at Christmas.
7. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is
one meter above the ground.
8. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are
filled in with snow.
10. You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie
with only 8 buttons.
11. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
12. The local paper covers national and international headlines
on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
13. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat
processing plant.
14. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
15. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
16. You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
17. You head south to go to your cottage.
18. You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears
won't prowl on your deck.
19. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
20. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo it's sausage making.
21. You find -40C a little chilly.
22. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
23. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest
jewellery and your Sorels.
24. You can play road hockey on skates.
25. You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and
Construction.
26. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
27. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials
28. You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said,
"Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a
land of outstanding natural beauty, it shall have tall majestic
mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautifully sparkling
lakes bountiful with carp and trout, forests full of elk and moose,
high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life,
and rivers stocked with salmon."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the
inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they
shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth"
"But Lord" asked Gabriel "don't you think you are being too generous
to these Canadians?"
"Not really" replied God "just wait and see the neighbors I am going
to give them."
Welcome to the Second Life Forums Archive
These forums are CLOSED. Please visit the new forums HERE
