Looking for subjective responses; dating-oriented--

Earlier this year I left a really amazing relationship that lasted almost five years. The breakup felt pretty smooth, I'm still friends with my ex, and we still live together as roommates--and yes we do it without stepping on one another's toes, too! It shocks even me.

However, I'm starting to have feelings for someone new, and I'm very cautious about it. Is it too soon?

My relationship ended in the first week of February; we're just heading into the third week of April... so that's about three months of "single" time. It was such a long relationship before, though, so am I ready, or should I be ready, or is it fair or right or--gah!!! From your standpoint, should I start having feelings again?!

Should I bring this up to my ex, who might be hurt by this news? How does one go about doing something like that? I'm so novice in all these things; I want to minimalize any hurt that could come from this...

Well, would love your thoughts. Thanks!
Dae

It sounds like you have a healthy relationship with your ex-girlfriend, so I would suggest speaking to her openly about it. If you live together, she's bound to find out sooner or later, and sooner and honestly would probably be a lot easier on everyone.

First a note, he made no mention of the gender of his ex so people shouldn't just assume he was dating a woman. Heteronormativity can be hurtful.

Okay, now the advice. It doesn't matter if you "should" be having feelings for someone else because you DO have feelings for someone else. The question is should you act on those feelings. There is a chance that you are not ready and this relationship will be a reboud. But I think that is a chance worth taking. If you don't try, then you won't know. You sound like a mature responsible person and I think if you handle this new relationship with care then you will be fine. Also, dating someone else might cause problems with a live in ex, I suggest a long talk before you do anything romantically with the new interest.

Thank you for the responses! And to clarify, though I'm not sure how this would/could factor in, but Kasandra's right, I date males (and I am a male myself). Keep the advice coming. You're right, I guess I should talk with my ex about this. *sigh*

5 years is a looooooooong time in 'gay years'!

Remaining friends and roomies is great, if it can stand up to the next test: bringing home the date.

If it was me, I'd be having discussions about this with my ex, since you're both friends and roomies, you need to have that discussion if you're going to remain such. It's important to find out how you both feel about it. What if he wants to start dating too? How is that going to make you feel?

I say... start the conversations now and start the dating a little later.

Good luck with it Daemioth!


Oh.. and you can pick me up at 8pm.

You're ready whenever you are. If you're feeling guilty about it, you obviously feel something for her.

In reality, you could just walk out the next day and see someone else if you're capable of that.

Guilt is a very self-rationalized process.

It's benefits are very limited.

So if you want to see someone else.. see them. If she is compassionate, she'll feel guilty about trying to dissuage you from what will make you happy and then everything will be cool and you can get what you want.

Male, female, gay, straight.. whatever. My advice remains the same. Stay open and honest about everything and you'll have far less to worry about and stress over.

Seems to me the decision needs to be are you and your ex really over. If the answer is yes and you are as good friends as it seems like you should talk to him to clear the air out of respect. If he is truly a friend he will be happy for you and if not, you will know that he still has feelings for you. Either way, communication is the answer and you will feel better for it.

Just my heterosexual, conservative Christian 2 cents.

Thank you, again, everyone, for the advice!!!

I began the "open and honest" "plan" last night by asking my ex how he was going to feel if we started dating again. In short, I don't think it made him too happy, obviously... I don't think he is easing out of the relationship the way I think I am.

Right now it feels like I need to start laying all my cards down on the table for my ex to see, slowly and steadily. I feel like if I drop everything for him to hear all at once it might be too much. But after a lot of consideration and some generous pushes from you all, I certainly agree that I need to be more open. In fact, I think that may be where my guilty feelings came from all along.

I've never meant to degrade my previous relationship in any way; people change, relationships change with them. But I also want to look forward to the future. This is the first time in ages (as Juro said--5 years is a long time in gay years!... oh, and I'll see you later ) where I've been able to even think about anyone else in my life. It feels, again, like I have a lot of learning to do, which is fun and exciting and... I just don't want all this extra interference.

So, now I'm just babbling. But thank you all, I really appreciated it!

My experience is that the ending of relationships that last that long always affect you deeply, even if you may not feel it right away. It appears to me that you were the one who broke it off; I did the same thing a few years ago and the first thing I felt was relief (forgive me if I'm mistaken here ).

I've never regretted my decision to break it off, but as time goes on I can more clearly see the changes between the person I was and the person I am now. Often the person who was broken up with cannot see it as easily.

I've never been friends with my exes. I don't see anything wrong with being friends with your ex but I don't understand why so many people say that a person who is still friends with their ex is more relationship-worthy than a person who is not (I think that it's great that you two are still close, though).

However, there is one thing that I think is very important: leave. You seem to be living in a quasi-relationship -- you guys probably sit around drinking beer together, watch movies, and you still have to split the rent and such and figure out laundry and make sure he doesn't steal your shampoo. Too much intimacy! I know how it is -- it's comfortable. But it's a holding pattern; it's not progress. The chapter of your relationship is ending and it's best to finish it completely, although I'm not by any means advocating that you stop talking to each other. Just ... less

I hope that helps, and please know that I'm not trying to attack or insult you in anyway. Sorry 'bout the essay!

I think Lo is right about the living arrangements. I have stayed friends with some of my old girlfriends, but I didnt live with them. Although it probably works out with rent and friendship and whatnot, your living together is a real strain that will prevent either of you from really moving forward and into other relationships.

yeah, move out. It isn't right to subject yourself, your ex AND your new interest to the pressures of past relationships vs new relationships.

I wish you happiness.

I disagree that "it's all about communication". Open-ness will only take you so far. A demonstration of your commitment is necessary. Demonstration of your commitment to NOT be intimate with a past lover, commitment to be dedicated to a new lover, commitment to be reasonable when it comes to expectations about others feelings, perceptions and desires. It is unlikely that you can remain in the physical place you are without creating emotional stress, for you, for your ex, or for your new friend. Being "honest" isnt always good enough

I gotta be honest, here... people break up for a reason. Generally I don't think people who break up can be friends unless the following happen:
1. all issues are resolved.
2. sufficient time passes to not only ensure (1) but also just put distance in between.

I think living with an ex is asking for trouble. It screams to me that one or both people in the partnership has yet to fully move on.

Then again, I'm a very independant person.