SL relationships

This meeting, dating, and marrying people in your Second Life has always intriguiged me. People seem to get quite attached to others they have never really known. Is it really that easy for people to make a huge separation of their first life from their second, so that their second life "lover" really only exists in their SL mind?

Ie, how do you get involved with someone without the emotional attachment drifting into "real life"? Actually, I know a lot of people do put real world emotional attachment into their in-game partners, with the hope that it will transfer into something more real?

But some people seem to get enough satisfaction from the SL relationship that they don't need or want to carry it over into their other life. They (somehow) make a real separation. I've seen people who are married in real life and married in-game (to other people). How does that work?

Has anyone actually met and gotten along with (or even, fallen in love with) someone they have met here in SL? How did things work out?

I have never chosen a "SL girlfriend" myself. It seemed a bit too heady to be fun yet lately I have seen people who can make the separation easily. SL is SL, RL is RL. In your SL, is it only the attitude and person's "idea" of beauty that really matters. For example, if you're a troll in real life but manage to makeover your AV in such a way that attracts - is it really the inner beauty that matters for SL? (Think "Shallow Hal" ... in SL, should I only be looking at what you've presented me with - or considering the driver behind the AV?

--Jack Lambert

Often times, it doesn't. Stability of online relationships is as fragile is RL ones. However, I'm digressing. A lot of the times, when something like this does work out, this being a person having different partners online and off, is because said individuals are comfortable with both themselves and have confidence in their relationships.

As far as having attachments to someone beyond their av, I think most truly caring people will usually have some kind of bond with the person at the other desk. Whether it be the same kind of bond their avs have, or not... there is still one there.

Mind you, I'm speaking about those who wish to have actual meaningful relationships(friend, co-worker, lover, what have you), and not those that bounce from one person to another at their own whim.

(A bit of background on myself - my husband and I met in an online game 8 years ago, so I have some experience in the crossover of Online Life and Real Life. )

I have not yet had a SL relationship, but am working on my first one (wanna be my second, Jack)

Seriously, I have a solid RL relationship and he does not play SL. I've mulled the idea of a relationship in SL for some time and finally came to the conclusion that if you are going to have relationships that coexist with RL relationships, you must keep a total level of fantasy. Which means that no discussions about RL take place in SL, the relationship that you have in SL must be strictly between AV's. No messaging outside of SL, no real names, no bringing the SL relationship into RL.

SL must stay in SL and RL must stay in RL. Unless, of course, you happen to be RL partners as well.

I know some people will feel that this is cheating, but I've come to the conclusion that (at least in my relationship) some fantasy has to exist. I tolerate my man's pornography addiction and he therefore is going to tolerate my pixelated adventures. Maybe, if he's lucky, I might bring back some new ideas

isablan seems to have the right and healthiest outlook on it i have read lately. or, it mirrors my own view on it a lot. which makes her right of course.

so sayeth:

marilyn

Relationships in SL need not be limited to couples either.

I have a SL son who I really do care about, worry about and watch out for. He and I have had long philosophical discussions that I doubt many people have even thought about in RL - let alone discussed with their parents. I have not met him in RL, but I really would like to - despite the fact that when I first meet him in SL he was wearing orange prison coveralls and handcuffs.

My RL and SL do cross over a bit though because my RL husband and I both joined SL at the same time and we are often in SL together. What cracks me up is when we are both sitting on the sofa in the same RL room but instead of speaking in RL we are typing out things to each other in SL.

If I were ever to illustrate a relationship with a visual representation, it would one that showed multiple connections stemming from a center. I am connected to my SL son mentally, intellectually and emotionally and I am connected to my RL husband mentally, intellectually, emotionally, physically and spiritually. I have some RL friendship connections that are solely intellectual.

Relationships in SL have a more fragile line connecting them in that communications are electronic and dependent on whether or not someone can actually log in as opposed to showing up at your front door in person. Nevertheless, they can be just as emotional.

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Yep, and I would agree with Isablan too, having gradually come round to the same conclusions in comparably similar personal circumstances.

I have plenty of 1-to-1 depth and commitment in RL, but where SL is concerned, fun, casual fantasy is best and simplest for me, and simply adds another dimension to my life as a whole, contrasting and complementing, rather than conflicting with it. Indeed, some things I would not (or could not) do in real life for very practical reasons, and here is where the fantasy is truly liberating.

I enjoy chatting about general RL stuff with people from around the world, but feel that anything in-depth on this particular topic in this context is best left at home. I do care deeply for certain people I meet here though, and in different and unique ways, each as individual as are the personalities of those I might connect with. I can and do feel fondness and intimacy.

That said I've never actually had an 'official' SL relationship, just longer term liasions, some of which I would have liked to have been a 'proper' couple situation in SL, but somehow there is always some factor which frustrates this. Perhaps this is fate...

I do feel that everything is so dynamic and transient in SL, and people tend to be involved in so many different concerns from one day to the next, that putting down roots is hard anyway, and you just have to roll with the changes, without getting too upset when suddenly everything turns upside down. Time is definitely accelerated here. I think I have developed a slightly thicker skin since my arrival.

As for inner versus outer, Jack, I myself connect with the personality. Their avatar appearance does have a certain amount of influence but not always for the most obvious reasons, it being an expression of the persons thoughts and inner-self. The real life details of physical appearance, age, gender, or anything else at the other end do not actually matter to me at all, as within SL I simply take people as they are manifested in this world.

Of course, this topic is one which is potentially unique to each individual and their personal circumstances, so an interesting spectrum of replies should result.....

Oh, I do go on don't I *giggles*, fades away into quiet contemplation once again.....

I have often thought about posting a thread like this but feared the worse of conversations arising out of it. Somehow, I have not been able to keep most of my relationships just in SL. In the beginning of my SL life, it was very easy and I kept it all separate but when you include Skype voice and Yahoo messaging, it gets messy and begins to overlap and bonds form with people. I play SL with the same personality, honesty and integrity that I am in RL, and all my close friends know that about me. SL and RL have become one to me now, and is One Life. I believe for alot of the people I know in SL, this is very true for them as well. The thread where we all posted our RL pictures was very fascinating and I feel that most of them has made it one life as well or they would not have brought RL into SL. The pictures have made the avatars real to me. It was hard for me in the beginning to see this. To me you all were a bunch of pixels, big deal. But now, I see the light, hehe. I see there are feelings, emotions, and ideas (human ones mostly, some alien) behind each set of pixels from all over the world. When I am in world, I vision in my mind that everyone is from the US but when I see that someone is from a different continent it just amazes me. Maybe, I am amazed too easily and have a country girl naive mind (true).

Which brings me to the point of apologizing to Blue Burke, Barbii Electric, Amunet Zander, and Shokra Patel. I made a post when I was very angry about a situation that was caused by my SL partner. I took it very personally because I am not a person that would do anyone any harm at all. But at the time, I felt like they were attacking me for things I didn't have anything to do with. I didn't do anything to them, though, in SL, per se, but I attacked them here on the forums. I am truly sorry about that bad decision.

Behind my avatar is a real person that has real emotions and feelings just like each of you. Sometimes people forget that and end up hurting alot of people.

Back to the subject, my SL partner and I date in RL, too. By doing this, it takes away some of the fantasy that a previous poster has mentioned because you are tied down now in both worlds. Still thinking this all through and hope I haven't confused anyone with my unorganized thoughts.

Yup. And, for me, thats how it gets hard to separate SL from RL, imo. Even if you never bring up RL in SL, feelings and emotions can still be real and have real consequences.

It's an interesting topic.

I play "tabletop" RPGs, and I've had characters have relationships with characters played by people other than my RL husband (who also plays RPGs). In one case this ended up exposing feelings between myself and another person that probably would have been better left unexamined. I ended up losing a good friend that way. I'd rather not repeat that experience. I've been more careful to keep roleplaying separate from my "real" persona since.

I don't plan to have any SL relationships other than friendships, however (unless my RL husband does decide to sign up), because I don't roleplay in SL. I could, I suppose. It certainly doesn't bother me that other people do. But I myself don't. It's not what I'm in SL for. I like to build and script, and I like the general environment. But my av basically looks like me and wears the kinds of clothes I would wear in RL (allowing for the fact that I don't have to worry about dripping spaghetti sauce on my clothes in SL), and the stuff I say and do is pretty much what I would say and do in RL -- except that in SL I can fly.

That being said, I could imagine building a separate av and playing an RPG in SL for a while, with the understanding all around that in that case I would be role-playing. And that might include a fictional role-played relationship. I don't know, though. I don't think it's something I'd be comfortable with in any great depth or detail.

neko

I have a lot of SL pals I like and care about, but only platonicly. Reasons include:

1. waryness of getting involved with someone unseen
   I'm wary in general, but this seems to be an invitation for scams, mismatches and gross dissapointment. At the very least, I'd fear that an SL relationship would give me a false sense of intamacy that may not be there when I met the guy in RL.
   
2. SL environment
   To me, even the most realistically skinned av still seems like a doll or a puppet controlled by an unseen entity. Not a turn on.
   

That being said, there's a plenty of RL couples who met through SL who are doing just fine, so take my observation with a grain of salt

The most puzzling thing to me is the way people bring their RL emotional baggage into SL instead of trying better ways to relate to others.

They slag their RL spouses, and use SL as a kind of singles bar in a frantic quest to get a better spouse online. Getting an official partner in SL is seen as the holy grail. wtf? That kind of approach fails in RL because the other person is being treated as a trophy. I doubt that it leads to lasting online relationships either. The virtual world is an ideal place to ditch the loser tactics, and try a better way. Many of the good SL relationships I see are between people who are already good at this in RL. Maybe SL needs a new service industry: relationship counseling.

I think it's way easier to screw up good SL friendships than RL friendships.
I've had experience at both and somehow things just die quicker in SL.

SL is RL emotions on SPEED...

It's also a lot easier to read someone the wrong way in SL too, particularly if you are a person who relies heavily on visual expression, voice tone and body language to ascertain the intentions of a statement.

Emoticons just don't cut it at times when we are attempting to say something in writing that in real life we would simply imply. I think that this is the reason that posts in forums seem unreasonably harsh at times. They may not be intended as such, but the poster was unable to garner a word to express their concept subtly.

Anonymity and the fact that SL is considered a recreational [secondary] activity so one can log in or not, makes avoidance easier to accomplish in SL than it is in RL also. I have a RL friend who, if she has not spoken with me for a few days, will just show up at my doorstep and say "where the hell have ya been and what's up?" If I were to not show up at home one evening with no explanation, my husband would be phoning the police out of worry. There are lots of nights when I don't have the opportunity to log into SL though and no one really thinks much about it.

The intellectual, mental and sometimes emotional links exist in SL but they are connected by a very tenuous rope.

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That's not exactly fair. And the "Getting an official partner in SL is seen as the holy grail" is quite patently NOT TRUE.

A lot of people who partner switch within days aren't people you usually want to hang around anyway. You're a bit new, and quite a lot of people have partners and want one, but not all of us do ...

Eeek, I dunno. You just sound so jaded for having joined in February. *shuffles away and sits in the corner*

Not everyone that is a partner is out for quick pixel fucking....most of the ones you see end fast and bad were built on pixel fucking and die the same way.... the ones that start with friendship and go on seem to last and I came name quite a few couples that have been together for a long time ...even before the added slot in the profile