Military Jokes

Just for you flyboy Billy

Here we can relive our glory days with those wise ass insults we loved so much when we served!!!!

Personally wasn't much into the jokes, as a Marine, we'd usually just hand out some beat downs on the FlyBoys, Squids, and DogFaces

Did the Navy thing too, that sucked, like hanging out with chimps, undisciplined chimps But love each and every last f*ing one of ya!!!!!!

JarHead!

AAUUURRAAGGH!!!

A 2LT was walking home from work one day, when he noticed a little boy sitting on the sidewalk. The little boy was playing with a pile of shit. Curious, the 2LT walked over to the little boy and asked him "Why are you playing with a pile of shit?" The little boy replied "I'm building an NCO". The 2LT, amused by this, ran back to the company to get his captain. Upon returning to the little boy, who was still playing with the pile of shit, the Captain asked "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy looked up at him and said " I'm building an NCO". The captain being equally amused insisted that they return and get the 1SGT. When the three returned the little boy, still playing with his pile of shit, was asked by the 1SGT "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy again replied "I'm building and NCO". "Why are you building an NCO?" asked the 1SGT. The little boy paused and responded "Because I don't have enough shit to build an officer"

ROFLMAO!!!
But he had a little left over to make a Nincompoop, ehh?!
Beautiful Nolan, and I never heard that one before either!!!

An Army soldier was in the head takin a piss when a Marine comes in and uses the urinal beside him. The Soldier finishes up, shakes his shank, zip zip, and goes to the sink and started washing his hands. The Marine finishes up, shakes his shank, zip zip, and starts strollin' straight to the exit. Soldier still washing his hands, looks over his shoulder and blurts, "In the Army they teach us to wash our hands when we're done using the head!"
The Marine halfway out the door stops, turns back over his shoulder, "In the Marine Corp they teach us not to piss on our hands!"

That was the joke I first thought of when I saw this thread title. good one.

LOL! Good one! Now I get to retaliate

A battalion of marines was on a beach doing a PT workout when the CO of the battalion looked up and saw a lone army ranger standing at attention at the top of a hill.
The CO was curious so he sent a marine up to see what was going on.
As the marine approached the ranger sprinted into the woods, and the marine followed.
Yelling and screaming could be heard coming from the woods, seconds later the Ranger stepped out and stood back at attention.
The CO was still curious so he sent a squad up to investigate.
The ranger ran into the woods and after some yelling and screaming, came back out and stood at attention again.
Now the CO was angry so he sent an entire Platoon up to the top of the hill.
The ranger ran into the woods.
He emerged moments later after some more yelling and screaming with no sign of the marines anywhere.
The CO had had enough, he sent the entire battalion of marines charging up the hill.
The ranger ran into the woods. More yelling and screaming and this time some gunfire.
Finally a terribly wounded marine crawled out of the woods and reported back to the CO.
The CO inquired "Do you mean to tell me that one army ranger destroyed an entire battalion of marines"
The marine replied "no sir, it was a trick, there were two of them"

F*cking love it DogFace!!!!! Damn Nolan got jokes, I might need to call in back up, but can't stop laughin long enough. Can't lie, blew my load already. Was like the only one I could remember.

Tikki this Skippy thing is NUTZZZZ, some of these are just damn funny!!!

from the Skippy site:


^ Reminds me of our armory in Guam!!! We would bat frogs over the back fence with a broom stick! Ever seena frog split in half on it's way outta the park. The were good targets for discharging extinguishers for monthly PM. Fozen frog legs!

Yes I was a sick drunkass bastard!!! I admit it.

I'm all better, now.

great stuff

I got Jokes too

Wow, you can google too, see the FUNNY part is I never claimed I didn't nor did the thread starter ask for original jokes and to be honest, there aren't many layman that create jokes these days, but that doesn't matter, does it Grimmy Junior?

Oh you're so cool, are you going to spout some anti-American gov't. or military stuff too?

Being an Aussie ex soldier - I thought over a few annecdotes and tales I heard over my time in the military -- but I guess any other ex or current Aussie soldiers would appreciate this simple one:


Marines.

Siggy

nolan, there is something seriously wrong with the persona you portray on these forums.

all i was doing was adding a link of jokes for johny. geez.

Oh it's not a portrayal, I just can't stand people who find their own dry, self indulgent humor funnier than anyone else, especially when half the time people don't know it's a joke and the other half of the time the *joke* is weasled out of with some lame ass excuse. Slap yourself on the thigh for me as you indulge yourself will you?

Both the jokes I cut and pasted came from the site you linked to followed by that ever famous clever wink. I wasn't born yesterday dumbass. It wasn't a coincidence. *WINK*

i forgot you had a PhD in "mind reading" and "every thing is an insult!" sorry you felt so violated that i unwittingly found the same site as you by entering the title of this thread into google. get a clue!

Jeez, well slap me silly and label me "mind reader". That link was halfway down the page and I googled the same thing you did, what an amazing coincidence!

You made your point now at least own it.

Now now kids! Play nice!!! *drops ginsu knives and razor blades in the crib*

Nice link Jauani, now just pick the ones you like best and drop em in here

DogFace, you pickin on little gurls again, shame on you!!! Ain't all boot camps mixing male and females toghether? 'Cept DA CORP BABY!!! Let the men do thier work
*beat's chest like pompas, arogant cheuvonist (sp?) jar head pig killing machine that he was trained to be, 3rd Battalion, Parris Island ba-be*

Seriously folks,



Back to the funny, ehhh?!?!?

Who needs blades and/or other. I am airborne, hard core, +*hooooah*

My predcessors wreaked havoc and scare their opponents silly, the airborne. Well what can be said for the other those who caused the the Germans who met their wrath which gave them that moniker. (In WWI)

Hey jarhead i dont need to relive anything.. im still living it as we speak.. blousing my bdu's inbetween writing this! Im sure im just wasting my time writing this considering you probably only understand the words like I,me,am,was. But hopefully you can comprehend this stuff. We make fun of the smarts of the marines.. or lack thereof but honestly.. when you go to the base pubs and such the first people you want to be around is marines they will give you a good laugh and make an ass out of themselves and not even care.. and they provide the smart killers like me with protection its nice not having to fight or anything and let the marines take up for ya when someone has had to much to drink and want to jump stupid. Also its neat how you can talk a marine into damn near anything just by mentioning that its for the beloved corp. heh.. go get me a beer johnny your beloved corp wouldnt have it any other way. Pfft marines.. lol truth be told my brother is a marine and he made sure when i said im going to join the military that it was with the af and not marines.. he is gungho and damn proud of it.. so its always a tit for tat thing.. i love it!

Ahh so you understand the value of the Marines. I went to air defense school with like 20 Marines, as a matter of fact the class leader fell upon a Marine sgt. He was fair even though he was a hard ass. Even though we were on an army base, we respected him and his commands. It was about respecting the highest ranking NCO and we had to put our Army pride aside, The Army condoned this, we were the the OOOO ahhhs. You know what? I admired their devotion. I was a Dog. A proud dog who you could not beat in 2 miles, I wouldn't let you, cause I was so adamant.

Footnote: My dad was a Marine who died trying to rescue other Marines in a *banana* heli in Vietnam.

*Afixes bayonet, YUUUUUT YUUUUT, beheads bartender, returns to Billy with beer, and a shot of 151*

Unit, Corp, God, Country! That is the code!!! Not sure where you going with the "not sure you understand... only I,me,am... comprehending....
The behind those statements means I am joking! i was a Fire Directions Controller in Artillery, 92 on the ASVAB, when I went to the Navy they tried to get me into the Nuke Program, didn't feel like glowing in the dark, and passed all the initial testing for SEALs till they found out I'm blind as a bat!

I knock all the other services in jest!!! Marines are indeed fanatical about being Marines. We've never lost a battle, history, honor, and discipline are of the utmost importance to the Corp. Why the saying "Once a Marine, ALWASY a Marine!!"? other branches don't seem to have these same priorities and values, and it's simply because of the mission of the Marine Corps vs others. Picking my nose in the bush could get an entire battalion masacered, and I could be left holding my best friends, with the top of his head missing, trying to convince him it's all OK. We leave no man on the battlefield dead, alive, or otherwise. Sure we each have special forces, trained above and beyond, but to be a Marine means you MUST be a basic infantryman first. A killing machine willing to dipose of your foes face to face!!! Why do we have a Rifle Creed? Where's the Army's? Navy gets to pop a couple in boot camp and the majority can't even swim. AF, well, the toughest thing I've hear about thier basic is don't loose your footlocker key. You have a Marine as a friend, you have a friend for the rest of your life, and we'll still be lookin you up at the Crossroads too. The Marine Corps is the second greatest Fraternity on the planet.

And name a sweeter lookin' uniform then Marine Corps dress blues?!!?

But the bottom line is we all NEED each other. Period! And yes we fight anyone just for shits and giggles, we're so rediculous we fight each other, some times literally, over which boot camp we come from Parris Island "The Originals" -vs- the "Hollywood Marines".
I personally salute you Billy and ALL other serviceman and women. My youngest brother, Army puke see joke, is over there now, putting his like on the line so we can sit here and bitch and moan at each other bout builds, and he said she said crap, dig on our own Commander in Chief, and not be taken out back and shot.

So you see this is all LOVE man!!!! 100% Teufel Hundin, crazed killing', beer swiggin, bar brawlin LOVE right here man!!!!!

BTW Always been a fan of the Air Cav, these dudes get to where cowboy hats and spurs as part of thier dress uniform, how f*in' dope is that?

Nolan my prayers to you and your pops, God's got a thing for Marines, we keep him in business

I agree with the whole dress blues statement..they look hot as hell until you get up close to them and realize there really over embelished and highly tacky.(and my brother had to pay 300+ for his!!!!) I do not live by the creeds that govern your life, i live by Integrity first, service before self and excellence in all I do. And johnny boy i hate to hurt your little marine feelings but you do realize that the navy,marines,army ASVAB score is actually lower then the AF score for instance.. your 92 in the marines is probably a 30 in the AF..min to join the af is the mid 70's...

OK Billy,
I'm just a dumb ass Marine with a tacky ass uniform.
Don't know what creeds you think are governing my life? But hey, whatever floats your boat bro, and I'm just a wee bit too old to worry bout gettin' my feelings hurt by some one over the internet who doesn't even know me.

Did you get to this part, Billy?


How Bout this part?


Oh oh, and this part?


Didn't forget this part, did ya?


Oh and um..... just FYI from your friendly neighborhood dumb ass Marine

Air Force
ASVAB Score - Air Force recruits must score at least 40 points the 99-point ASVAB (Note: The "Overall" ASVAB Score is known as the "AFQT Score," or "Armed Forces Qualification Test Score".

Army
ASVAB Score - The Army requires a minimum AFQT Score of 31 to qualify for enlistment.

Marine Corps
ASVAB Score - Marine Corps recruits must score at least 32.

Navy
ASVAB Score - Navy recruits must score at least 35 on the AFQT. The Navy raised this requirement from 31 in 2003.

Coast Guard
ASVAB Score - The Coast Guard requires a minimum of 40 points on the AFQT for those who took the ASVAB prior to July 1, 2004, and 36 for those who take the ASVAB after July 1, 2004.

And noooooooow, back to the funny, eh folks???!

johnny i was only kidding with you.. didnt you read my one team one fight line?

An Airman, a Sailor, an Army infrantryman, and a Marine are all travelling on a military transport helicopter (we won't say which branch the helicopter is) on a mission.

Suddenly, there is sputtering in the engine, and the helicopter starts jerking violently. The pilot gets on the intercom and says, "we're losing altitude fast... we need to lose some weight". So the infrantryman stands up and says, "I'm glad that I can offer this life for my country.... Be all you can be", and he jumps out of the chopper.

A few minutes later, the pilot says again, "We're still losing altitude". So the sailor stands and says, "I'm glad that I can offer this life for my country... Its not just a job, its an adventure", and he too jumps out of the chopper.

Once again, the pilot comes on and says, "We're going down fast... we still need to lose more weight". So the Marine jumps to his feet and says, "I'm glad that I can offer this life for my country... Semper Fi".

And he pushes out the Fly Boy...

- Ace