It sounded good at the time.......

I received this in an email and am still LMFAO.
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Dear Friends,

My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse sized Tazer gun with a clip.

For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle eyed, muscle twitching, whimpering, pencil neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY ************** DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back

If you *were* that stupid, why woud you relate it in painstaking detail by email to everyone?!

hah I know, I suspect it is a fake but a funny read nonetheless

OMG

/me reaches for asthma inhaler after a near-lethal laugh attack

What scares me is I know several people irl that might do something like this

Bwaahaaahaaaa!
That's too funny!

Oooohhh yeah, baby... I think I have finally found a way to get my kids to clean their rooms!



- Ace

OMG - my husband and I laughed at that until we cried. Mostly because it is TOTALLY something he would do too. He too would look at the AAA batts and think exactly the same thing - how much power could they actually deliver? Put him and his best friend into a room together and the two of them would be tazering each other.

I don't have things like this in the house for just that reason.

The situation is even worse if his best buddy Joe (a contractor) is here with him. One of them always winds up injured when he visits. "Oh Hey, lets try out the new air compressor" - and the next thing Joe's wife and I know, were taking one of them to the hospital because they have a nail shot through the top of their foot. (really not kidding on this one)

Last time his buddy visited they decided to put in a couple of new electrical outlets without turning off the electricity at the breaker. We warned them but they both looked at us like this:

So the next thing we hear is a big bang and we smell smoke, running into the living room, we see a big black burn mark around the outlet and both of them have this face:

Like Chip once said - "It's all great fun until someone loses a weiner".

After morbid curiousity got the best of me over a shocking dog collar, I won't be playing around with a taser. (But at least I tested it on my hand, not my neck like our friend Brandon.)

hahah Excellent Rose !! I seriously need to come down your way next trip to the sunshine state ! You guys sound like we would get on famously! What is funny is I'm an electronic tech by trade and KNOW how 3 AAA's could produce this type of power and would still do it as well. Hell, I've used the opening line several times in my life: " Here, hold my beer and watch this!!"

LOL Been there, watched a friend do it. Laughed my ass off
Let's hear fart lighting stories !! I know there are some out there !!

I told Tat not to tell anyone about that.

I used to work at a police equipment dealer and we would hold training classes for the use of stun guns. Everyone in the class gets a shock from the thing so they know what they are doing to the victim. Most suck it up and have little response other than uncontrollably falling to the ground. One time a fairly new salesman wanted to get a shock from it since he was selling them to the officers. Well, he got his shock and he screamed like a little girl, a really high pitched and whincing sound that hard to believe came from this man. The laughter of the class was uncontrolable.

To make matters worse, this particular day there was a video recorder on hand. The video was instantly converted to .avi and emailed to everyone in the office and quite a few police departments around the Southwest. Weeks later it was common to walk past someones desk and hear that poor guy screaming.

I never volunteered to be a victim.

Hahaha... that is funny! Yikes, SHOCKING STORY!

Applying this to SL, I have a few cattle prods to give out, as created by Jacqueline Bancroft and Cid Jacobs. Great fun, just type "prod [personsname]" and that'll zap 'em. IM me if you want one. You can also zap yourself if you drop it on the floor first!

Long live the capacitor!!!

- Ace

the farad is quite a drug

I think this is known in male psychology as the "peeing on the electric fence" impulse. We can't help ourselves. That story reminded me (for unknown reasons) of a great candid camera type thing I saw once. A construction crew was demolishing a building with explosives. They got it all set up and ready and then put a sign near a sidewalk about a quarter mile away so that the building filled about half your view if you were facing it. It said "To Demolish Buidling, Push Button." They waited for someone to come along who couldn't resist pushing the button and blew up the building at that moment. hahaha. What that has to do with tazers I have no idea. That would be the "tell unrelated story" impulse.

it's the "peeing in somebodies wheaties" impulse.

Oh, right. I always get those two confused. Where's my tazer?

hahah I remember that one ! Thanks chip!

He knows it only takes one amp to stop your heart, right? Household circuits usually have 15-20 per breaker. What a moron.

Anyways, that being said- I would be the first person in a room to volunteer to be tazered, but only because I know it's theoretically non-lethal. (and, yes, "theoretically" is good enough for me)

Heh heh,
Reminds me of when I worked at an aquarium shop years ago. A guy wanted some lobster creature but insisted that he catch it from the tank with his bare hands because he "knew how to handle them".

Next thing you know, he's cursing and there's a lobster hanging from a pinch of skin on his palm by a claw. I don't think it let go right away either. I should have asked him "Want me to wrap it up? Or are you gonna wear it home?"

LOL!! Excellent thread! These stories are killing me!

Pendari, I have always wondered. Why is your forum icon a sperm wearing a cowboy hat?

Maybe he's forging new frontiers- boldly going where no man has gone before and all that.

Men are such manly, tough creatures...*sigh* Can't help but adore them